


I Thou (Remastered)

by SupremeOverlordHaru



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, obvious depression, they do get together i swear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 11:42:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 79,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24969157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupremeOverlordHaru/pseuds/SupremeOverlordHaru
Summary: High school is hard: the classes, all the people, but the worst part is Nico’s own mind. He tells himself it can’t be depression, but he can’t explain why he feels sad all the time. To him the whole world seems pointless, until one day, a chance meeting with a boy named Will grabs his attention and holds on tight. As Nico starts falling for his only friend, he starts to wonder if he can live in limbo forever, or if he is already too far gone to feel happiness again.High school AU. All canon pairings. Cross posted on FF.net. Updates every Friday.
Relationships: Nico di Angelo/Will Solace
Comments: 59
Kudos: 135





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you were big on the PJO fandom a few yeas ago, you may or may not remember a version of this fic floating around on FF.net. I was only 16 when I started writing it, and I didn't think it was very good anymore. I wasn't proud of what I'd posted, which is why I deleted it. I forgot about it for a long time. I recently rediscovered it when I was going through some of my old files. I haven't done a ton of writing in between now and then, but I thought it would be nice to finally give it a proper ending. I also wanted to rework some of the older scenes, clean it up, and, in general, make it a more enjoyable experience to read. I hope people like it.
> 
> Haru xx

"I hate this..." Nico complained to himself. He was referring to a lot of things: the fact that he was back in school, the fact that it was 7th period and he hadn't eaten anything yet, the fact that he hadn't turned in his homework from before break, the fact that he had no friends, but mostly because he was stuck in gym class. Nico was not a fan of gym class. Nico was not a fan of anything that required more than minimal effort.

When he saw that the school offered a course called "Self-Defense" for the second semester, he hadn't been too interested. That was before reading a quick summary of the class and realizing that every Friday was a relaxation day which just meant sleeping in class. Nico had the summary from a pile of small pamphlets stacked on a folding table in the gym. Nico had immediately signed up. If it meant he could sleep in class one a week and get points for it, he sure as hell wasn't going to say no!

Now Nico wasn't as sure. Most of the class was girls, which Nico wasn't too happy about. They'd all formed little circles of twos and threes, making him feel very isolated. Nico nervously began twisting the ring on his finger as sat against the wall, arms crossed over his knees.

He put his head on his knees and closed his eyes. He must have nodded off, because the next thing he knew, a very short man was shaking his shoulder yelling something about cupcakes.

"…cupcake!" The man, who Nico guessed was the teacher, finished. "You don't have time for that! An attack could come from anywhere! How can you defend yourself if you're asleep?"

Nico glared at him, annoyed by the tiny man. He half expected him to take out a megaphone and start yelling in his face again.

The teacher did not look pleased.

"Go sit in your attendance line!"

Nico sighed heavily, disappointed that he couldn't just keep sleeping all period; he would have to wait until Friday. Because of his last name, di Angelo, he wound up sitting right in the front of the second line, right in front of the teacher. Great.

The teacher passed the length of the gym as he gave his introductory speech. "So, you took this class 'cause you thought it'd be the easy option, did you, cupcakes? Well, think again! This will be hard. You will be expected to work. Work just as hard as any of the football players. Now they're athletes…" the teacher tailed off wistfully and his eyes got misty. Nico suspected that he'd rather be working with them. "Points will be given every day for participation! No dress, no points! So don't forget!"

The teacher seemed to be done talking.

Nico felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find a tall, bespectacled boy in a purple shirt.

"What?" he snapped.

"Did he say his name?" the boy asked.

Nico shrugged. "I guess he didn't find it important."

"I hope I'm wrong about this."

The kid frowned and raised his hand.

"Yes! Grace! I had your sister, you know. Now she was an athlete…" The teacher said.

"You're Coach Hedge, right?" The boy asked.

The teacher looked a bit miffed. "Yes, I am Coach Hedge. Now, if there aren't any more questions…" He narrowed his eyes, as if daring anyone to raise their hand. No one did.

"Alright," Coach said. "You first assignment." He looked at his clipboard and frowned for a minute. "Get in small groups and list all the qualities in an ideal dating partner."

The coach turned around, a confused expression on his face. He mumbled something that, to Nico, sounded like "Really? …curriculum…so stupid...baseball…won't help..."

"What the hell," Nico whispered to himself just as annoyed as the coach. Had he accidentally signed up for dating 101? If this was the first day, what was going to come next? He looked at Grace who looked almost as confused as him.

"So…is your name really Grace?" Nico finally asked.

Grace shook his head.

"It's Jason. Grace is my last name."

"Oh." Nico didn't know what else to say. Fortunately, he didn't have to. Before either of them could try any more awkward conversation, they were interrupted by a pretty girl. Her long, brown hair was tied up in a braid. Nico couldn’t tell what color her eyes were. They seemed to shift from blue, to brown, to green like a kaleidoscope.

Jason's face instantly lit up. "Hey, Pipes!"

She smiled. "Hello, who's this?"

"I, uh…"

The girl rolled her eyes. 

"He's so rude." She extended her hand. "I'm Piper. He's Jason."

Nico reluctantly took her hand and shook it. "Nico."

"So, guys," Jason interrupted. "Coach Hedge is looking at us. At least look like we're doing the assignment."

Nico glanced over at coach Hedge who, so far, was the only person shorter than him.

"Well, I like glasses," Piper started. "And blondes."

Jason blushed.

Nico said nothing.

"I think you're supposed to be talking about personality traits," said a voice behind Nico. He jumped to find another boy behind him. So, roughly three fourths of the male population was in Nico's group now. 

"Hey, Jason. Mind if I join in?"

Jason shrugged. "Sure."

The boy moved to the side. 

"Hey, Piper. Had a good Christmas?"

She nodded. "Oh my God, yes! My dad took me and Jason skiing. He was terrible at it."

"I was not!"

"It's ok. It was cute," Piper smiled. "Oh, this is Nico."

"Hey," the other boy said. "I'm Will. You a freshman then?"

Nico shook his head. "Sophomore."

"Cool."

"Will tries to get to know everyone every year," Jason said. "He's pissed he missed you until now."

“Not at all,” Will said. “Do you know how many kids go here? I couldn’t meet everyone if I tried.” 

“Well, you seem to be doing a pretty good job,” Jason said. 

Will grinned. 

“What can I say? I like people.” 

"Grace! I can hear your conversation from here!" yelled Coach Hedge from across the gym. "You can socialize in your free time!"

Jason groaned. "Thalia said to avoid him. He's not gonna leave me alone all year. This is your fault, Pipes. You convincing me to take this stupid course-"

"Wait," Nico interrupted. "Your sister's name is Thalia?"

That was funny because Jason didn't look anything like Thalia. Then again, Nico realized he didn't look anything like his sister, Hazel.

Jason nodded. "You know her?"

"Yeah. She graduated last year, right?"

"I didn't know you knew her," Jason said.

Nico suddenly felt three pairs of eyes on him. 

"She, uh, was my senior advisor last year," Nico explained. In all honesty, he and Thalia had hit it off pretty well. They'd liked a lot of the same things, and Thalia had been so laid back, she seemed to get along with everyone. They had had a few texted conversations over the summer, but Thalia had started college. Nico wasn’t sure if she just had less time, or if she had other friends, but the two didn’t talk as much anymore.

"So, um, back to the project…" he offered, trying to get attention off of him.

"Ok, I want someone I can trust," Will offered.

"I want him to have a sense of humor," Piper said.

"I'm cool with Piper," Jason stated.

Piper hit his shoulder. "Do the assignment, dummy!"

Jason frowned. 

"Fine, I want her to be nice!"

Piper scoffed.

Jason turned expectantly to Nico.

"This assignment is stupid."

“Yeah, I know,” Jason said.

"Ok, we'll skip you,” Piper cut in before Jason could say anything else.

And they did. Nico stood there listening to the other three people talk, feeling extremely isolated. He wasn't sure why he didn't want to talk. He wanted friends, but talking to people…it was different. It felt like he had been pushed onto a stage, but he hadn’t learned any of the lines.

"Ok, you can't just stand there all period," Will finally said after he, Jason, and Piper had exhausted the list of completely adjectives for an imagined partner. "Just say something."

Nico decided he didn't like Will. He took this class to sleep, dammit!

"Fine," he finally said. "I want someone who loves me."

It was the most generic answer ever.

"Yay!" Piper said. "Now we can all get participation points!"

Nico raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"Hey, an A's an A. I've got dyslexia and ADHD. It's hard for me."

Nico glanced at the clock. "We have five minutes left."

"Ok, go around one more time then," Will said.

"I want her to be a good singer," Jason started.

"I want him to like video games," Piper said.

"I want them to want to be a doctor," Will finished. He turned to Nico.

Nico shrugged. "I, um, I guess I'd like it if they played  _ Magic _ … _ the Gathering _ …it's a card game…" he trailed off awkwardly.

"Ok, get out of here!" Coach Hedge yelled from where he'd been sitting. A magazine covered in different guns was resting next to him on the floor. Nico was sure that kind of thing wasn’t allowed in a school. "See all of you cupcakes tomorrow!"

Nico didn't need to be told twice. He often wondered why he was always in a hurry to get to his next class. He never liked it anyway. He changed quickly and left the locker room to find himself face to face with Will.

"Oh, hi again," Nico said. "Are you waiting for someone?"

Will shook his head. "Not really. I kinda wanted to talk to you."

Nico eyed him suspiciously.

"About?"

"Hey, sorry if this sounds weird, but were you that cyborg on Halloween?" Will asked.

Nico faltered. 

"You remember that?"

It had been a minor thing in his mind. It was the one day, people didn't find his darkness creepy. In short, Nico's favorite day. Over the years, his costumes had gotten more and more elaborate, until it could have been called an obsession. But he couldn't believe that anyone still remembered his costume, much less him, months later.

"Are you kidding? It was fucking awesome! I knew it was you. How'd you get bones to look real? And was that actually metal?"

"I, uh, used liquid latex and built it up on my face with Kleenex for the bones. And no, I used craft foam and painted it with silver paint. Do you know how heavy metal is?"

"Damn, I understood only about half of that," Will said. "So did you have to, like, follow a pattern?"

"No," Nico answered. "I just kind of made it up."

“And did you, like, sew the whole thing too?” 

“Of course not. I can’t sew at all. I just bought it at the store.”

"Man," Will exhaled. "Still though. That's epic.”

Nico found himself smiling too and shook his head. 

"I can believe you remember that."

Will stopped at the entrance to the B hallway.

"Ok, I have American studies here," Will said and stopped at a classroom. "See you around."

"Bye."

* * *

The di Angelo's large, black dog was a little too excited to see Nico when he got home.

"Hey, girl," Nico said scratching her ears. "Yeah, yeah, I missed you too, Mrs. O'Leary. Get off me." With great difficulty, Nico managed to push her large body off of him and went into the kitchen.

His sister, Hazel, was already there eating an apple and working on her math homework. Because Nico's school was so big they had two busses for every stop. He and Hazel never rode the same one. Nico wasn’t really sure why, but he had never complained about having extra space on the ride home.

Nico flopped down next to her. "Can you not?" he asked. "We've been home less than 10 minutes."

Hazel shook her head. "I'm trying to actually get good grades this semester."

Nico snorted.

"You always get good grades, every semester."

“And I need to keep it up.” 

Nico snorted again, more exaggeratedly. 

“No one is going to look at your Freshman year grades.” 

"Nico, my grades are always important," Hazel said. Nico felt as if he was being lectured. He guessed she was used to his abysmal grades.

Nico sat in silence for a while listening to her pencil scratch on the page. 

"I'm going up to my room,” he decided.

"Bye! Do your homework!" Hazel called after him.

Nico walked up the stairs, entered his room, and closed his door. "Caution! Zombies inside! Enter at the risk of infection!" read the sign he'd put up a few years ago. He slumped his shoulders, no longer needing to keep his body upright. Any sort of composure he had melted away. He was extremely tired and went to take a nap. There was little else worth doing.

It was eight o'clock before he woke up to his phone vibration.

_ Dad: I'm working late tonight. Make dinner for your sister. _

Nico sighed. His dad was often absent. Nico wasn't really sure what he did, not that he really cared. To the best of his knowledge, they were rich, but his dad was often gone on business trips, leaving only Nico and Hazel in the large house. Occasionally, Jules-Albert, a family friend checked up on them.

Nico wished, as he often did, that Bianca was there. Bianca was Nico's older sister. When they were little, they used to run around the house together for hours when their dad was gone and their mom was either sleeping or out. It usually ended when one of them broke something. It then turned into a game of "let's see how well we can hide [insert item] without mom or dad noticing."

Six years ago, Bianca and Nico's mother, Maria, had left to drive Bianca to her archery lesson. Nico's dad hadn't gotten home yet. Maria had told Nico to watch the house for her. That she'd be gone for fifteen minutes. Lock the door and stay with Mrs. O'Leary.

When she didn't come home in half an hour, Nico had gotten slightly worried. He had watched sheets of rain pelt the sidewalk as thunder cracked overhead. No one had ever come back.

That had been when the phone had rung.

"Mr. di Angelo?" a voice had asked.

"Yes?" Nico asked. That was him.

"Kid, is your dad home?" the voice said.

"He's at work," Nico answered.

"Alright, is there anyone home with you?"

"I can't tell you that!"

"Kid, if your dad gets home tell him to call me back. It's important."

"Ok," Nico had said. He hung up the phone. A few minutes later Jules-Albert had come over. He looked very upset.

"Nico, come one," he said. "We're going to the hospital."

Bianca and Maria had been in a car accident. Maria had lost control of the car and it had skidded out of control in the rain. She had been killed on impact. Bianca had been left in critical condition. She'd been transferred to the local hospital but had died less than an hour after her admittance.

Nico had never seen his dad cry before. He'd hugged Nico so tightly Nico was sure he'd be crushed. His dad didn't let go of him for what felt like ages. Nico had wrapped his arms around his dad as far he could and stood there, crying into his chest. Jules-Albert put a hand on his shoulder.

"Hades—"

Nico's dad looked up at him.

"Yeah, I know," he said.

The funeral had been the following week. Bianca was buried in her white party dress. Nico had crept up to the coffin and looked down at her face. It was almost like she could have been sleeping, but she lay far too still. As she was lowered into the ground and buried, Nico felt a part of himself stuck down with her, covered in the dirt, never to rise again. He felt like he'd never be whole again.

Life had been very hard for both Nico and his dad the next couple years. Nico had spent weeks cursing life for being so unfair. It took years but, eventually, very gradually, Nico had begun to feel ever so slightly better. He wasn't over it by any means, but he's stopped feeling absolutely terrible every day.

Over the years, Nico’s memories had begun to grow fuzzy around the edges. He started to forget more and more little moments. He clung on as hard to what he could, but he remembered very little about his mother now. Bianca stood out more clearly in his mind, but still most of what he had left of her was the last few years of her life. Nico knew his father remembered more. He also knew he was never going to ask him about it. His dad hated talking about it.

Two years ago, Hades had come into Nico's room.

"How do you feel about getting a new sibling?"

Nico frowned. "I don't want a replacement."

Hades shook his head. 

"No, not a replacement. A new sibling."

Nico shrugged. 

"I don't know."

"I've been thinking of adopting," Hades said. 

"And if I say no, you'll forget about it?" Nico asked.

"No. I do want your input though."

Nico shrugged again. He had felt empty inside.

"I don't care."

Several months later Nico had met Hazel. A few more months after that, it was official and Hazel moved in. Nico tried to think of her as a separate person, but it was easy to compare her to the sister he'd lost. Hazel looked and acted nothing like Bianca, but Nico still occasionally slipped up and called her the wrong name. 

Despite that Nico had grown to really love Hazel. She was always so upbeat about life and seemed so innocent. She had cute, little mannerisms that made Nico think she was from a far older time than the 2000s. But then she pulled out her smartphone and ruined the image.

In an effort to take his mind off the past, Nico went over the events of the day. 

He took his phone and scrolled through his contacts. 

_ Nico: I met your brother today. _

It took a few seconds before he got a reply. 

_ Thalia: Heeeeyyy _

_ Thalia: Yep. That’s Jason _

_ Nico: Why didn’t you ever tell me? _

_ Thalia: :/ I must have  _

_ Thalia: At some point _

_ Thalia: So that means ur back then _

_ Nico: Yes. Back and miserable.  _

_ Thalia: Awww :( _

_ Thalia: At least try to make some friends _

Nico thought back to the day. Of how Will had talked to him about his halloween costume and how it had seemed to make the walk down the hall so much shorter.

_ Nico: I did talk to people today _

_ Thalia: … it’s a start I guess _

_ Nico: How is college? _

_ Thalia: Nah. That’s boring _

_ Thalia: But guess what is actually exciting?  _

_ Nico: You finally learned how to drive. _

_ Thalia: I did! But its not that _

_ Thalia: I’m starting a band  _

_ Nico: oh no _

_ Thalia: Its so great :D _

_ Thalia: I will take u to a show once we get some gigs _

The news wasn’t nearly as interesting as Thalia seemed to think it was. Nico remembered every time Thalia had ever put any music on, it had always been loud, almost indistinguishable from noise. He really wasn’t looking forward to hearing more of it. 

Nico listened to Thalia talk about her new band for a few more minutes before saying he had too much homework to keep talking. 

Upn putting his phone down, Nico realized he'd left his backpack downstairs. It was too much work to retrieve. Besides, it wasn't like he understood how to do most of his homework anyway. Nico grabbed his "at home sketchbook" and drew a few, not very good, pictures in it before deciding he wasn't in a creative mood and throwing it back down on this floor in frustration.

Unsure what to do with the rest of his day, Nico went back to bed. It wasn't a very interesting or fulfilling life, Nico mused as he stared at the ceiling, but he had no idea how to make it any better.


	2. 2

Nico's first period class was Horticulture, which basically meant plant class. Nico, himself, had no interest in plants, but his aunt did. It had led him to thinking that taking the class would be... less than extremely boring. He had been wrong. Nico simply could not bring himself to care about plants that much, no matter how much he remembered his aunt enthusing over them. The class wasn't even an easy A, because Nico didn't do the homework. 

The only thing Nico liked about the class was the teacher, Mr. Brunner. Mr. Brunner wasn't a science teacher; he was a social studies teacher, but the school had told him to teach Horticulture that year. He came up with a number of practical, hands-on review activities that Nico suspected he would have loved if he had more of an idea of what was going on. He doubted no amount of hands-on activities could make him like Horticulture.

Not that Nico liked most of his classes anyway. By the time he got to lunch, Nico was often very frustrated. Occasionally, he would play a game of  _ Magic _ against a kid named Chris Rodrigues, but more often than not, he'd go to the library. He was currently reading a book on nonverbal body language and what it meant.

He didn’t know why he bothered. He never talked to anyone anyway. There was no point reading how to have a conversation over and over again. However, Nico found himself unable to stop reading the simulation.

By the time Nico got to gym class, he wasn't in a good mood. The class right before it was English. Nico did not like English. English didn't like Nico, so it all worked out, but he still hated spending forty five minutes every day in the class.

Nico changed as quickly as he could in the locker room. He felt very uncomfortable about being stuck in a confined place with a bunch of half-dressed teenage boys. He always felt like he was violating their privacy somehow. Not to mention, he could only get away with wearing a ridiculously long gym shirt for so long before people started getting suspicious. He wondered if he could get away with wearing gym clothes for the rest of highschool and pass it off as “his thing”. He decided he liked his gothic fashion too much. 

"Hey!" a voice jarred Nico from his musings.

He looked around to see Will.

"You ready to beat people up?" he asked.

"I guess," Nico replied "I really just took this class to sleep though."

Will laughed.

"True."

Coach Hedge walked into the gym.

"Shit. Hide me," Will said stepping behind Nico.

"What?" Nico asked, instinctively turning around.

"Someone took my sneakers," Will said. "Look." He pointed down. Nico looked. Will was wearing converse. The first day of first quarter the school had told the whole class that they didn't count as proper gym shoes. Nico, who had considered converse part of his brand, had to go out the next day and buy “I’m only going to wear these for gym” shoes.

"He's not going to notice," Nico said, hoping the coach would be too interested in whatever the magazine he’d brought with him today. "Why'd someone steal your shoes anyway?"

Will whined slightly in way of answer.

"Shut up."

"Hey, get in line!" Coach Hedge yelled. Nico turned to find half a dozen other students milling around. "We're not going to make this into an everyday thing! You get in your lines by the time I get here!"

Nico walked over to his spot and sat down in front of Jason.

"Hey, bro," Jason said.

"Bro?" Nico asked. "We just met…”

Jason shrugged. "Sorry. Habit"

"Quiet, Grace!" Coach Hedge yelled. "No talking!"

Jason's face fell, but he didn’t say another word as Coach Hedge began to tick off names against a clipboard.

"Yes, the most effective way to achieve silence is by yelling," Nico mumbled. Jason jabbed him sharply in the back.

"So, yesterday was a warm up," Coach Hedge said after finishing attendance. "Today the real workout begins! I'm going to give you cupcakes 5 minutes to pick out a sparring partner. You're going to be working with them the rest of the quarter, so pick someone you don't like,” he paused dramatically. “So you can beat 'em to a pulp!" Coach Hedge looked thrilled. "Get going! Your five minutes starts now!"

There was a scrambling as people tried to pick friends. 

"Hey, sorry to leave you hanging, but if I don't pick my girlfriend, she will kill me," Jason said.

"Nah, it's ok," Nico answered.

Jason wandered off to find Piper.

Nico sighed.

"Yo, Nico!" Will called walking up to him. "Partners?"

"Don't you have other friends?" Nico asked.

"Not in this class," Will answered. "Jason doesn't count because he’s never available. None of us can compete with Piper."

Nico pretended to think about it.

"Ok."

"Cool!"

Will sat down next to the spot where Nico was standing and took his phone out of the pocket of his gym shorts.

Nico frowned.

"You seem to care very little for the rules set in motion in this class," he said sitting down crossed-legged next to him.

Will shrugged. "It's just gym class. It's not like its Band or Physics or something. Besides, I have to check on my babies."

"What?" Nico asked, a bit baffled.

"Ooh, you want to see?" Will asked, excited. He scooted closer to Nico so he could see what was on the screen. It was hard to make out, but Nico saw a bunch of pictures of dragons.

"It's a collecting game," Will explained. "Ok, but my lore is so cool! Remind me to tell you about sometime when we have more time."

Before Will could explain in earnest exactly what his dragon collecting game was all about Coach Hedge started talking again.

"This course is extremely important. More important than any other class you'll ever take at this school..."

After the Coach finished telling the class about how important the course was and how he expected everyone to take it seriously, he went into a brief overview of the curriculum.

After a brief description of how to do a palm heel strike, Coach Hedge made the class spit up into their pairs and begin.

"Oh, girls…and guys," the Coach added. "Make sure you take off any jewelry. Earrings, bracelets, rings, that kind of thing."

Nico glanced down at his left hand. On it was his silver skull ring that Bianca had given him a few months before her death. Nico had to keep getting it resized as he grew, but he didn't care. 

"Damn it, I always wear this." He twisted the ring off his finger and put his hand to his hip before realizing that his gym shorts didn't have pockets.

"Do, you have pockets?" he asked Will.

Will, who was trying in vain to unite several woven bracelets, nodded and held out his hand.

"Ok, be careful," Nico said, giving the other boy his ring.

The rest of the time was spent sparring. To Nico's surprise, he was really good at it. He was pretty sure Will was really bad at it too.

"It's not funny," Will said angrily after Nico hit the glove so hard it flew off Will's hand and landed a few feet away.

"Sorry," Nico said, picking it back up and putting it back on Will's hand. "Hold on harder next time."

“I’m just not good at melee combat,” Will complained. “It’s why I always do ranged.”

“What? In real life?” 

“Mostly in video games,” Will replied. 

* * *

"I'm home!" Nico called out as soon as he got in the entrance of his house. He felt a lot better than he had in awhile. Who knew punching people was so cathartic?

"Hi!" Hazel called out. "We're in the living room!"

"We?" Nico asked, slightly shocked. Hazel didn't generally have people over.

He walked into the living room to find her sitting on the couch with a big Chinese guy. They had a text book open in front of them on the coffee table.

Hazel looked up. "Nico, this is Frank. We're working on a social studies project together, so I invited him over so we can get it done early and then we're going to hang out in here."

Nico glared at Frank. He didn’t like how close he was sitting next to Hazel. 

"Um, hi," Frank said in a small voice, a nervous look on his big, baby face.

"Oh, ignore him," Hazel said. "He's just grumpy because he had to talk to people today."

Nico directed his glare onto Hazel.

She smiled at him innocently.

"I'm going up to my room," Nico decided. "See you guys later."

Nico closed his door, and as he did, he felt his good mood melt away. He looked around his dark room. Maybe it was better with the lights off. The silence and emptiness overwhelmed him. He sat down on his bed, propping his head up on his hands and his arms up on his knees.

"Stop it," he told himself. "Stop feeling like this. There's nothing to be sad about."

He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to calm himself down. He left one hand on the back of his neck. In an attempt to distract himself, Nico pulled out his phone.

"There are not enough Deadpool comics in the world to make me happy," he murmured to himself. Still, he could try. He pulled up a comic and tried to lose himself in the story. It was impossible to be sad while reading a comic about Deadpool…until he started talking about how he hated his own reflection.

"Damn it, Wade," Nico told the comic book character on his phone screen. He put the phone down, feeling reality rush back to him. He shouldn't read these when he was upset. Sometimes they left him feeling worse than before. Nico felt too much of a connection to the character, which was ridiculous, because his life was far, far better than Deadpool's.

Nico turned to face away from his phone and lied down. He stayed like that for a while, not sleeping, not thinking, eyes glazed over. Eventually, he came out of his trance-like state enough to put some music on and clap his headphones over his ears.

The music on his phone did nothing to cheer him up. Most of the songs Nico had downloaded were a bit depressing to say the least. They just made everything worse.  _ “Maybe that was the point”, Nico thought. “Maybe I enjoy it.” _

He curled up into a ball in his bed, facing away from the door. He pulled the blanket over his head, feeling the darkness warmth envelop him. He could feel his breath bouncing off the fold of fabric in front of his mouth and hitting him gently in the face. It was hot, overwhelming. He pulled his arms up to his chest, tucking them behind his knees. He felt tears leak out of his eyes, slowly winding their way across his face, finally hitting the mattress under him. A small sob escaped his lips. What was wrong with him? He had a loving family, he was attending a good school, there was nothing wrong going on in his life, so why did he feel so miserable? Was his head wrong?

"Why are you crying?" he whispered to himself.

Nico shoved the blanket off of him and stalked over to the door. He turned the lock.

Feeling a kind of sickening anticipation, he made his way back over to his bedside table. He opened the drawer at the bottom and shuffled through old papers and pens until he found what he was looking for.

He sat on his head, the exacto knife in hand. He'd gotten it freshman year to cut patterns to make a stencil. He'd never used it for that, but he had used it plenty.

Nico sighed. He couldn't believe he was doing this again. He'd been trying to quit for the last year, and yet here he was again. He took off his pants so that he was standing in only his underwear and t-shirt. He glanced down at his right leg. Long, angry slashes ran down his leg, stopping a few inches before his knee. Some were old and peeling off, while some still had fresh scabs. Many were simply white lines on his skin. Nico sat down and, with the knife, made a quick, little nick in a spot that had cleared up.

He watched as little drops of scarlet formed along the line. It always amazed Nico to see just how red his blood was. The sight of the little pools made Nico's heart speed up. He felt hot and sweaty all over. He made another cut, this one longer than the first. As he did, he got a thrilling sensation, almost like riding a roller coaster. He couldn't tell if he liked it or not. The initial pain wasn't that bad, it was certainly something he'd gotten used to. He ran his finger along the new line, feeling the skin already beginning to swell up. He made a few more lines, before deciding he'd done enough damage for one night.

He took a tissue from his table and carefully wiped away all the blood that he'd gotten on his leg. He then pulled out a bottle of hydroperoxide. He grimaced at the stinging sensation. A couple of the new cuts bubbled. Nico carefully applied more peroxide to the rest of his cuts. He was not letting any of them get infected. God, that be so embarrassing. After he finished up with his cuts, he also disinfected the exacto knife. He carefully put the lid back on the bottle and hid it back away under his bed. He then put the cap back on the knife and threw it back in the dresser drawer. He hoped he wouldn't need it in a while. He wasn’t sure why he bothered hiding it from himself, but he knew he definitely didn’t want to see it longer than he had to. Finally, after getting dressed again, Nico balled the bloody tissue up in his hand and carried it to the bathroom where he flushed it far, far away. He washed the blood off his hands and looked at his reflection in the mirror. 

Nico stared at the face in the mirror. It frowned back at him. He felt hollow inside. Nico felt his fingers grip the counter, curing against the cold ceramic.

"I don't want to do this anymore."

* * *

"Mr. di Angelo."

Nico looked up from where he was doodling in his "at school" sketchbook.

Mr. Brunner looked disapprovingly at him. "A word with you after the bell."

Nico groaned internally.

"Nico, where are your notes for chapter 16?" Mr. Brunner asked as soon as everyone left.

Nico avoided his eyes, fixated on the hem of his shirt.

"I don't have them," he finally answered.

"And your notes for chapters 15 and 14?"

"I don't have them either."

Mr. Brunner frowned. "Why not?"

Nico felt a lump forming in his throat.

_ "Because as soon as I get home I can bring myself to do anything but cry and hurt myself. I'm wasting my life." _

"I don't know," he answered.

"Why aren't you turning in your work?"

"I don't know."

"Nico, you're not going to pass the class if you keep this up."

Nico swallowed the lump.

"I know."

Mr. Bunner sighed. 

"Alright, if you turn them in tomorrow, I will take your notes for half credit this one time."

Nico nodded, still looking down.

"Alright, now get going. You're going to be late for your next class."

Nico, was in fact, not late for his next class, art. He'd never really seen himself as the artist type until he started drawing on his notebooks in 8th grade. He really liked it. It calmed his mind. 

Nico had settled down on a desk slightly away from the rest of the students, but still close enough to listen to what his classmates were saying, the closest being Lacy What's-her-face and Mitchell It's-on-the-tip-of-my-tongue. Listening to them talk made time go faster for Nico and made it so he didn't have to think about himself. After listening to Lacy talk about mountain goats for half an hour, Nico felt in a good enough mood to try to eat something.

Nico sat down in the cafeteria in the seat farthest from the door. It was quieter there. He opened his backpack. He kept a supply of cereal bars and fruit snacks there. Not because he planned on it, but because so many days he'd take one from home, shoved it in his backpack, and then didn’t eat it at lunch. Nico picked at his food and stared around the cafeteria at the people there. 

Across the room he spied a familiar, curly blonde head. Will was sitting next to a couple of other people. They all seemed to be having a good time. As Nico watched, he saw Will put his hand on top of the hand of a girl with red hair. He seemed to be trying to calm her down from the very animated conversation she was having. Nico briefly wondered if he should go up to him and say hi, but quickly rejected the idea. It wasn't like he and Will were friends. After finding himself unable to finish his food, Nico packed it back up in his backpack and went to use the library. He continued his book on nonverbal body language until the period ended.

During 7th hour, Coach Hedge announced that today they'd be working on breaking their partner's grip. Nico, again, gave his ring to Will to keep until the end of the period. And looked at Will. Was he supposed to just grab his wrist?

Will sighed. 

"Here," he said, extending his hand, waiting for Nico to grab it.

"Um, ok," Nico said reaching out his hand and holding onto Will's wrist gently. Nico refused to meet Will's eyes and instead focused on his hand.

Will twisted his hand and Nico felt his grip break.

Will laughed.

"That's so cool. Here."

He grabbed onto Nico's wrist. Nico immediately flung his wrist out to the side causing Will's fingers to slip. He frowned.

"That's wrong."

Nico shrugged. "It worked."

"No, do it right," Will said, grabbing Nico's wrist again.

"Fine," Nico said annoyed. He quickly twisted his hand the way he was supposed to.

"One more time," Will said, holding his hand out again for Nico to hold on to. Nico locked his fingers around Will's wrist.

"Ok," he said.

Will twisted his hand, but this time, Nico was ready. He moved his arm along with Will's and kept the firm hold on his arm.

"What's the matter?" He asked, a grin on his face. "I thought you were going to do the thing."

"You're cheating!" Will scowled.

Nico just smiled more. 

"It's not cheating. It’s just winning."

Will tried the move a few more times before Nico finally took pity on him and let go.

"Fuck, you're strong," Will said rubbing his wrist. "Where'd you get hands like that?"

Nico shrugged and held out his hand for Will to try to get back at him. Nico easily broke Will's grip for the second time.

"Ok, that's not fair!" Will fumed.

"You better make sure I don't kidnap you," Nico laughed.

"Coach!" Will called.

It took awhile for the short man to come over. 

"What is it, cupcake?"

"Look," Will said. "Nico?"

He held his hand out. Nico held on.

"See," Will said, trying to twist his hand. "I can't" twist "break his" twist "grip."

"You need to use two hands then, cupcake," Coach Hedge said. "Here, kid, let go."

Nico dropped his hand.

"Now take mine," The coach said.

Nico, a bit unsure of himself, took hold of the Coach Hedge's wrist.

"Here watch," Coach Hedge said. He took his free hand and grabbed onto the one Nico had in his grasp. He pulled straight up and Nico felt his fingers slip.

"Now, you try it," The coach said to Will.

Will did, and it worked.

"Just do that from now on," Coach Hedge said as he walked away to yell at some other kids who had apparently decided to improvise some "karate moves".

Nico turned back to Will.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"Nah, it's ok," Will said. "I still don't get how you're so strong though."

"I don't know."

Will shrugged. 

"I may have picked the wrong partner."

Nico smiled tightly, but he wondered if he had too. He wasn’t liking all the attention it seemed to be garnering him. 

The unwanted attention continued the next day when Coach Hedge singled Nico out in front of the class to do a demonstration during which he "smashed" Nico's face with his knee.

"That was like something out of a film," Will laughed when Nico sat back down, his face very red. “I could start doing stunts.”

"I wish I’d taken a film class," Nico said bitterly, thinking of Horticulture.

Will looked at him with seemingly new eyes. "Really? I signed up for a film class this year cuz I thought "Eh, why not?" but I'm really loving it right now. It’s so fucking cool."

"Interesting," Nico said, now a bit jealous that Will was taking a class he liked so much, and again casting his mind back to Horticulture. 

"Yeah, I'm actually thinking of doing this PSA thing if I get time. You interested in helping?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"Here," Will pulled out his phone. "Give me your number."

Nico nearly laughed. It was the first time someone had actually asked for his number.

"Cool," Will said as he typed it in. "I'll text you the details."

Nico nodded, but he seriously doubted Will would. 

He was very surprised that night when his phone buzzed. It was a new number.

_ New Contact: Nico it's Will. Link to PSA: radon/kv_ _

Nico smiled to himself and saved the number as a new contact.

_ Nico: Thanks. _

_ Will: np _


	3. 3

At school, Nico's teachers talked more and more about the ACT. Nico was, technically, too young to take the test that year, but his school had acquired a few thousand copies of retired ACT tests. They gave them to the sophomores and freshmen on top of their regular homework in the hopes that they would be “better prepared” .

Nico would have liked to say that it was the homework that got to him, but he rarely did any of it. It was the stress. All the teachers were constantly saying what the minimum to pass the class was. What a good ACT score was. What a good PGA was. How a good GPA and good ACT meant a good college. A good college meant a good job. Everything built upon itself, to the point where Nico felt like he was dooming his whole life at fifteen. He could feel his life spiraling out of his control. He knew he could fix it if he just tried harder, but he didn't. What was the point? It was pathetic to try. It was easier to stay shut up in his room all day.

He was in such a bad mood, he found it impossible to enjoy his sixteenth birthday. In fact, he had spent most of it shut up in his room, trying to work on his homework, only to stare blankly at the empty pages. Eventually, he gave up in disgust, and hadn’t turned anything in the next day, which had been a Friday.

That weekend the school called Nico's dad to report his miserable grades. After that, Nico avoided his dad too. It was easy since he was often at work. He started to walk over to the public library after school instead of taking the bus home in order to spend as little as time as possible at home. He'd stay at the library for a few hours before walking the three miles home in the snow.

The one person Nico didn't try to avoid was Will. Will knew so little about Nico it was easy for him to talk to him. Nico purposely kept any discussion about him minimal and preferred instead to listen to Will ramble on about his life. Will often jumped from topic to topic with little warning. He claimed it was because of his ADHD. Nico doubted it.

Will wasn’t just a distraction for Nico. The energy Will brought with him was infectious. The amount of time he threw into things Nico would consider a waste of time was intriguing, because of how happy it seemed to make Will. It seemed to push Nico’s anxiety away, leaving him much calmer, at least for a little bit.

Nico was sitting in his general corner against the wall waiting for class to start when someone sat down next to him.

"Ok, so you know when you can't get a game out of your head?" Will asked.

Nico continued looking straight ahead. 

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Ok, so I played this indie game yesterday and I can't stop thinking about it," Will said. He leaned back against the wall. "You gotta play it so we can talk."

Computer games weren't really Nico's forte. He'd never really been interested, preferring tabletop games. 

"Ok, what's it called?"

"The  _ Static Speaks my Name _ ."

"What's about?"

Will smiled. 

"I'm not going to ruin it for you. But I will say you play as this guy and you go through a day in his life. It really makes you think."

"Ok," Nico said.

"It's like one of those things that changes you," Will continued.

"Really?" Nico doubted any computer game could change his life forever.

"Yes," Will said emphatically. "Seriously you have to play it."

"Ok, ok. I said I would."

That night Nico was a home trying to decide it was really worth it to go back downstairs and get his backpack when his phone buzzed.

_ Will: Did u play the game yet _

_ Nico: Not yet. _

_ Will: Play it _

_ Nico: Fine. _

Nico returned downstairs, but instead of taking his homework, he found the family laptop and googled "The Static Speaks my Name". After a lot of messing around, he finally got the game to download. After that, it took an embarrassingly long amount of time to figure out how to get to actually open it. If it hadn't been for the fact that Nico knew that Will was going to ask about it, he would have given up on the game and done something else.

But finally, after much frustration, Nico finally got the game to open. The game resolution was wrong. Nico growled at the laptop screen and fixed the resolution.

It started off in a blank screen with a single white, buzzing, ball of fluff? Static? As he started to play though the game, Nico got the feeling that the game was darker than it initially seemed. The whole atmosphere was cold. When the objective "eat a shrimp" came up, Nico stared at the game wondering if it really meant what it said. In "Nico's" room, there was an aquarium filled with obviously pet shrimp. He clicked on the tank. One of the shrimp disappeared with a squelching sound. Nico wrinkled his nose. Gross. The next objective popped up: "Eat another shrimp".

"agh," Nico breathed. 

Still, Will had played through it, so there was no way Nico was going to quit. He wasn't going to let Will do anything better than him. Besides, it was just a game; it wasn't like he was actually killing anything. He pressed the button. Another shrimp disappeared.

The game kept getting weirder and weirder as Nico played through it. Objectives like "Clean the microwave" turned into "Decide what to do with the man in the cage".

Nico thought the developer might be a bit disturbed.

Nico's final objective came. "Return to your room and let your body rest".

Nico walked back to his room, but found it impossible to re enter his bed. He wandered around the house looking for a separate place to lie down, but he couldn't find anything. Finally he found a door in his room that he hadn't been able to go through before. Inside was a single chair and—

"Oh no," Nico whispered.

A noose hung from the ceiling.

He figured he really should have seen that coming. After a lot of internal struggle, Nico finally decided it was a game. So he pressed the button "Use noose". And his camera shifted around and dropped. The screen begant to jerk around. Despite himself, Nico felt an initial jolt of fear. He knew it was just a game, and that he was perfectly safe at home. Still, the view of “his” apartment fading to black left him with an empty feeling, and something else that was making him feel slightly nauseous. 

Nico was back to the beginning of the game, only this time there were more buzzing balls of static. As Nico moved closer, he saw they all had names, ages, and methods of death on them. Was he going to have to play through all of these?

After reading them all through, Nico selected the “jumping off a balcony” death thinking, at least, it would be quick. He prepared to die again.

The game cut to the credits.

Nico sat silent, staring at the game. He usually enjoyed tabletop games very much. They left him with a sense of accomplishment, like putting the final pieces of a puzzle together. This game had just depressed him. 

After a minute, he grabbed his phone.

_ Nico: what did I just play? _

_ Will: Ur finished _

_ Nico: Yeah. What did it mean? _

_ Will: It means whatever u want it to mean _

_ Nico: Not helping! _

_ Nico: Seriously, what does it mean? _

_ Will: It doesn't have a meaning. _

_ Nico: What? _

_ Will: It's just meant to convey an emotion _

Nico wasn't satisfied with that. The game had to mean something.

_ Nico: I'm going to play it again. _

After 2 more playthroughs, Nico still didn't get it and it frustrated him. Was he just too dumb to get the supposed message that had changed Wil’s life oh so drastically? He turned to the internet, but even it seemed to have very little to say.

* * *

"So?" Will asked the next as Nico sat down next to him. "How was it?"

"I don't get it."

Will rolled his eyes. 

"You're not supposed to "get it". You're over analyzing it."

Nico let a little growl escape his throat. 

"But what is it supposed to mean?"

"Why does it have to mean anything?"

"Because—"

"Look it's just supposed to affect you and make you think."

"It didn't affect me," Nico said. He felt depressed all the time. It hadn’t been a new, or exciting emotion. The whole point of games, to him, was to escape from his head for a bit, not simulate what he felt all the time anyway. The only thing it offered was a pointless resolution, one that Nico didn’t think he’d ever be able to go through with, as much as he thought about it sometimes.

"It clearly did,” Will said. “You played it, what? Two times?"

"Three," Nico said, abruptly pulled from his musing. 

"Yeah, it didn't affect you," Will said sarcastically.

Nico thought about it. "I'm going to play it again."

* * *

A few nights later Nico was sitting alone in his room, his door locked. He held his exacto knife in his hand.

" _ I don't want to do this anymore,"  _ he thought. _ "I need to stop." _

He felt like an idiot, sitting, half dressed, on his bedroom floor. 

But what was he supposed to do? He couldn't tell his dad or even Hazel. He'd be carted away to the hospital or a psychiatrist or something. He didn't want that. He wasn't messed up. He was fine. There was nothing wrong going on with his life. There was nothing anyone could fix.

Out of the corner of his eye, he spied his phone sitting on the floor next to him. Nico picked it up and opened up his contacts.

_ Nico: Hey. I need to talk to someone. _

His finger hovered over the send button. What was he doing? He had never told anyone anything. He wouldn’t even know where to start. What would Will do? Would he think Nico was some kind of freak? Probably. He would be sabotaging himself for no reason. He should keep it to himself: slowly kill himself a little more each day. He knew he should. 

Still there was still something keeping him from putting the phone down. 

Maybe it was something to do with the sense of calm he felt whenever he and Will talked. His heart hammering against his ribcage, Nico realized really anything Will said would probably make him feel better.

He hit the send button. Nico instantly regretted his decision. He hated being so weak.

" _ Maybe he won't answer,"  _ Nico hoped as panic began to well up inside him.

Nico's phone buzzed.

_ Will: Yo whatzup _

Nico sighed. It would be so easy to ignore him. It would be so easy to just say "nevermind". But Nico knew if he put the phone down, he was going to hurt himself.

_ Nico: I'm having some problems. _

_ Will: what with _

Nico didn't know what to say. This was a stupid idea. He put the phone down and wrapped his arms around himself. It was hard to think, because the only thing he could focus on was the panic growing steadily stronger. 

The phone buzzed again.

_ Will: Are you ok? _

Nico felt his stomach drop. He hadn't thought that Will had been that good at reading people. He certainly didn't think Will actually paid attention to what he said to him. He'd thought that he'd just been someone who Will talked to because he didn’t know anyone else in the class, not that Will actually thought about what Nico said. He was going to have be careful of what he said around Will from now on. 

Nico's fingers hovered over the phone. What could he say? He could just lie and say "yes", but then Nico hated to think about what would happen after their conversation ended. He knew he couldn't say "no" either. That would just worry the poor guy. Nico decided to do what he did best, avoid the issue entirely. He didn't want to outright lie. 

_ Nico: Psychically, I'm fine. _

That was technically true. Nico hadn't done anything yet, and it wasn't like his life was in danger anyway.

_ Will: But are you ok? _

At that moment, he really didn't know.

_ Nico: I don't know. _

_ Will: Where are you? I'm coming to get you. _

Nico's heart was beating so hard, Nico heard it in his ears. No. No, he hadn't wanted this. He imagined Will bursting through his door. No, that was not going to happen. Nico barely let Hazel come into his room. There was no way he was going to let someone he'd only know for a few weeks see him at home, especially not like this. It was just going to go downhill from that. Will would tell Nico's dad and Nico would be taken to the hospital, or rehab, or a psychiatrist, or something like that. He'd have to talk to so many people. He didn't need to talk to anyone one to know the verdict. He already knew: he was fucked in the head. Talking to people wasn't going to change that.

_ Nico: No! Please don't. _

_ Will: Nico. _

_ Nico: I’m really fine. _

_ Will: Are you hurting yourself? _

_ Nico: No. _

_ Will: That's good. _

Nico's phone went silent. He guessed the conversation was over. Good, Nico was sure if it went on any longer he would have started crying.

The phone buzzed again.

_ Will: What's wrong? _

_ Nico: I don't know. _

_ Will: You can't just say I don't know! Clearly something's wrong. _

Nico felt a tear fall from his eye and hit the ground. Angrily, he rubbed his eyes. It frustrated him how easily he cried sometimes. He wasn’t even particularly sad. He had to say something. Will was going to keep this up all night if Nico didn't give him something. It took Nico several drafts to finally type something that he wasn't too embarrassed about sharing and yet said something about his current situation.

_ Nico: I, um, kind of go through phases where I hate myself. _

_ “Yes, very natural, with commas and everything,” _ Nico thought, savagely to himself, but he sent the message anyway.

_ Will: So are you ok now? _

_ Nico: I don't want to bother you. Forget about it. _

This was the dumbest idea Nico had had yet. Why had he even wanted to talk to Will? Nico knew he couldn't talk to anyone, so why had he willingly put himself in this situation? Now the only possible friend he had wasn't going to want to talk to him anymore, let alone be seen around with him.

Nico's phone grew silent. Nico guessed that his last message had done the trick. His head felt impossibly heavy, too much work to lift. Too much work to do anything. Nico supposed, in a way, this had worked. I didn't feel like hurting himself anymore. He didn't feel like doing anything but going to bed. Not like this would ever work again because Nico was sure Will wasn't going to talk to him anymore after this. It saddened him to think he'd lost a friend in such a short span of time and for such a selfish reason.

Nico's phone buzzed.

_ Will: Ok, listen. My first relationship was freshman year. I asked a girl I liked to homecoming. The more time I spent with her, the more I realized she had huge self-esteem issues. I also did at the time, and we fed off of each other's misery. A few months into our relationship she attempted suicide and was hospitalized. I felt terrible. I didn't have many other friends and I couldn't talk to any of them about it. A few weeks after, I also was hospitalized. After I was released, I told myself I wasn't ever going to hurt myself or anyone else ever again. And when you say things like this, it makes me feel worried, because I’m scared that you’re going to do the same thing. I feel like I’ve been through enough of the same things to understand. I want to help you. _

Nico stared at the block of text on his phone. One thing in particular stuck out.

_ Nico: You were hospitalized? _

He had trouble believing it. Will wasn't the depressed type. He was constantly smiling, laughing, complaining about video games, or the gym exercises. His confidence was what drew Nico to him. He found it fascinating that a person could be so comfortable with how they presented themselves. Will's attitude was really "I don't care" or, as he would say, "I don't give a fuck". It was such a contrast to Nico and for that matter most of the people he knew. To learn this was jarring, too much of a contrast for him.

_ Will: That was a long time ago. _

_ Nico: I don't want you to hurt yourself. _

Nico didn't want anyone to hurt themselves. He didn't want anyone to feel like he did when he was upset. It sucked. He couldn't imagine Will feeling that way.

_ Will: What are you talking about? I haven't self-harmed since freshman year. And I’ve done a ton of other shit in between. I’m really doing fine now. _

_ Nico: I'm sorry. _

_ Will: It's ok. _

Will's last text felt Nico feeling worse. He wondered how often Will did this with his other friends, and indeed if this was a thing friends did for each other. Will was far too good a person to be hanging out with the likes of him. Nico knew he didn't deserve a friend like this. Nico was not a good person; he never had been. Will should be hanging out with people who he could actually have fun with, not with someone who was going to remind him of his past. Nico shouldn't be hanging out with anyone at all. Not until he fixed himself and could be a functioning member of society again. Until then, he wasn't going to even pretend like he should have friends.

_ Nico: Will you forget me now? _

_ Will: what? _

_ Nico: Please? Forget you knew me. _

_ Will: Why? Because you think you'll trigger me and you don't want me to relive my own memories? Because that's really stupid. Or because you're planning on killing yourself. That's 100 times stupider than the first one. _

_ "No! It's got nothing to do with me! This is about you! I'm just going to hurt you. You're not going to be able to save me and it's going to make you feel terrible. I'm not going to put that kind of guilt on you. I shouldn't even have friends in the first place, and I'm sorry I got you into this mess. You didn't sign up for this. It's not fair of me to ask you to look out for me. I'm trying to give you an out so that when how you hear in the news one day that the di Angelo kid killed himself it won't be your problem." _ Was what Nico wanted to type. But he couldn't. It would mean having to admit way too much about himself than Nico was willing to share. As long as everything stayed in his head, it wasn’t real. If he could avoid his problems forever, then it was like they never existed. And that meant he was fine.

_ Nico: Not the second one. _

_ Will: Ok, that's good. _

_ Will: Now I have the right to pissed off. _

_ Will: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT? What makes you think I'd just forget you? People have the tendency to stick in my head. Unless you're bored with me already? Which you could have just said. _

Nico wondered how the conversation had gotten so melodramatic.

_ Nico: No, I'm bored with you. I like hanging out with you. _

_ Will: Then why? _

_ Nico: I don't want to bother you. _

_ Will: My friends don't bother me. _

Nico was done arguing. He had mentally shut down. The best thing to do now was just to agree so this conversation could be over.

_ Nico: Ok, but this is going to end badly. Don't say I didn't warn you. _

_ Will: Consider me warned. _

Around midnight Nico's phone buzzed. Nico picked it up curiously, wondering who could want to talk to him so late.

_ Will: I just realized I dont know your last name _

_ Nico: My name's Nico di Angelo. _

_ Will: di Angelo I like that. Its very fancy sounding _

_ Nico: Thanks. _

_ Will: My last name is Solace _

_ Nico: I know. _

_ Will: how _

It was because Nico had looked him up in last year's yearbook. He didn't say that. It would be too weird to say he'd been looking up his friends.

_ Nico: You told me before. _

_ Will: Ok that was it. I'm going to bed now _

_ Will: Goodnight _

_ Nico: Goodnight. _


	4. 4

Nico spent the morning trying to figure out how to avoid 7th hour, but came up with nothing. He couldn't feign illness. The school nurse was notorious for never sending anyone home, even when they were sick. Nico supposed he could skip the class and hang out in the library. He'd get written up by Coach Hedge, and Nico had enough detentions to deal with already from all the times he was late to classes. Besides, if he skipped gym today, he'd just have to go tomorrow. He couldn't escape Will forever.

He realized that he just had to bite the bullet. His heart beat faster and faster as he walked down the D hallway, towards the gym.

Nico sat on the gym floor, twisting his skull ring around and around his finger. It was a habit he'd developed over the years and it calmed him down a bit. However, it had started to become a giveaway to the people who knew him. He forced his fingers to stop moving, not an easy feat, especially with his ADHD. Nico figured one of the reasons he read so many physcology books was so that he could recognize when he was acting weird and fix it. It had the side effect of making lying very easy, too easy as long as he could remember what he said. The way Nico could confidently say he was fine scared himself sometimes. No one had ever been able to look at him and see what he didn't want them to—until now. He wondered if he was losing his touch. 

Nico heard rather than saw Will sit down next to him.

"Hey."

"Hi."

There was a brief silence.

"So…what was that about last night?" Will asked.

Nico felt himself tense up. He wondered if Will noticed. Probably. Nico forced himself to relax.

"I don't know," he said, but it came out wrong. His voice was tight, and way too forced. The inflection was wrong. Why was his voice like this? Nico knew how to do it right, so why couldn't he do it now?

Will sighed. 

"Fine. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Just thought I’d ask."

Nico wasn't sure what he could say. He was used to keeping people out. It was the best way to protect them. If he got them involved, he knew he'd only let them down. And so, in a way, it protected him as well. 

The distraction came in the form of Coach Hedge entering the gym, giving the class about thirty seconds to get to their attendance lines.

"Alright, cupcakes, listen up!" The Coach said as soon as he finished attendance. "The rest of the unit, we're going to be meeting in the gymnastics gym because the school thinks the rest of the unit is “unsafe” for you to participate in unless you've got a nice, squishy mat under you. But are you going to have a mat under you if you get kidnapped? No! So, you're going to have to try extra hard to make it realistic!"

With that, he tuned and marched out of the gym.

"Keep up, cupcakes!" he yelled as he walked.

"He really assumes people know what he's thinking," Jason grumbled from behind Nico.

"True."

"I should have joined Percy in lap swim," Jason complained as he stood up. "I'm sure it's much more fun than this."

"Percy?" Nico asked, also standing up. "Percy Jackson?"

Jason nodded. 

"Yeah. What you know him or something?"

Nico shrugged. 

"We went to the same middle school."

"Dude, what is up with you and knowing everyone I know?" Jason asked.

Nico shrugged again. 

"I don't know."

"More importantly," Jason continued as they walked. "Why haven't I met you until now?"

"I don't get out much."

"So what do you do then?"

"Oh, you know. I mostly hang out at my house."

"Meh. Sounds boring," Jason said. "I practically live at either Piper's or Percy's house. Except when I’m at work. Now that Thalia's in college most of the time, I'm the only one in the apartment."

"Wait, what about your parents?"

"Thalia's my legal guardian."

"Oh. I didn't know,” Nico said, shocked. He was sure that Thalia had mentioned her mother before.

"It's ok. Most people don't expect it."

The gymnastics gym wasn't exactly what Nico would call "squishy", but did look a lot better than the concrete main gym.

"Alright, today we're getting to the good stuff!" Coach Hedge enthused waving his magazine around almost as if it was a baseball bat. "What do you do when the enemy attacks, actually attacks, you. Tries to carry you off!"

Nico highly doubted that anyone would ever try to carry him off. He briefly imagined a shadowy attacker lunging at him only to be blocked by a well-placed kick to the back of the knee. If that ever happened he was going to have to write a thank you letter to Coach Hedge. 

Nico then imagined himself sitting at an old fashioned desk, a feather quill in hand, writing a very long, flowery, letter of gratitude to the Coach in question. He imagined sending it only for Coach Hedge to finally get it and not be able to understand the cursive on the page. 

Nico's imagined conversation with Coach Hedge was interrupted by real-life Coach Hedge.

"Go! What are you waiting for?!"

" _ Maybe I should stop imagining these situations in my head,"  _ Nico thought. 

"Nico!" Will called across the room. He was standing in a white circle painted on the "squishy" floor. Now that Nico looked, he saw the entire floor was covered in the white circles. They looked just large enough to be little arenas.

Nico walked over to the circle, guessing it was theirs now. He glanced sideways at Will to see if Will was looking at him like he'd escaped a mental hospital. He couldn’t find anything out of place. Will noticed Nico staring at him and gave a quick nod before turning back to Coach Hedge was now going over the best way to escape after you'd managed to break the other person's grip.

Nico continued to frown. Why hadn't Will's attitude towards him changed? Had he really just brushed it off? Nico didn't want to talk about last night, but the fact that Will had barely mentioned it, dropped it so soon, and went about like nothing had happened was strange. Nico wasn't sure if he liked it. He was expected to be ignored, shunned, at least some kind of pitying look: not nothing. It almost made Nico want to yell at Will.  _ "Don't you care? How can you act like everything's normal? Don't you understand how messed up I am? How can you just act like none of that's true?" _

"…It's a good thing you cupcakes are all buddy buddy now." Coach Hedge was saying. "So, get going!"

"Is it just me, or is he just an accident waiting to happen?" Nico muttered under his breath.

The class divided itself into pairs and started what looked like the most awkward, synchronized hug ever. 

"Ok, that's enough," Nico said after a few, stiff "attacks" from Will. Nico backed away to the edge of the circle and rubbed his arms. This was officially the worst day of his life. Even worse than 8th grade graduation which had been 3 hours of sitting in a metal chair, way too overdressed in formal clothes while the principle droned on and on.

"Hey, don't look at me like that," Will complained, noticing Nico's glare. "I didn't write the curriculum."

Nico, with great difficulty, forced a neutral expression on his face. He told himself that normal people were fine with letting their friends occasionally show physical affection towards them. 

"I regret so many things," Nico said.

Will laughed.

"Yeah. But it was either this or lap swim for me."

"Don't juniors pick classes before sophomores?"

"I forgot my ID. Couldn’t register until the day after."

"You're stupid,” Nico decided.

"I can never tell if you're joking, but I’m going to assume you are,” Will answered, unfazed.

* * *

That night Nico was attempting to get his math homework done when the doorbell rang.

Wondering if Jules-Albert had come over, Nico put down his pencil and went to answer the door. Instead of Jules-Albert, Nico found himself looking at the baby-faced, Chinese guy from a few months ago.

"Hello?" he asked.

The guy nervously glanced down at Nico. 

"Hi. I'm Frank."

Nico scowled. 

"I remember."

"I'm, uh, here to pick up Hazel."

Nico blinked. "Why?" he asked, slightly confused, but still suspicious.

"We're going to see  _ The 5th Wave _ ," Frank answered. "Is she ready? I told her I'd be here at 5:30."

Nico felt a pang of jealousy. He didn't really like  _ The 5th Wave _ per say, but he had expected that Hazel would drag him along to see it anyway. He'd pretend to be mad, but he'd secretly enjoy it, not because he was a big fan of YA novels turned into movies, but because he got to spend time with his sister.

"Come in," Nico found himself saying instead. "I'll go find her."

"Hey," Nico called, knocking on Hazel's door. "You're…friend is here."

There was a brief silence before the door opened. Hazel's big, gold eyes stared at her brother.

"Is he here already?" she asked. "What time is it?"

"5:30 apparently.”

"Oh, gosh. I totally forgot to watch the clock," Hazel said.

She brushed past Nico and flew down the stairs. Nico followed at a more reasonable pace to find her already with her boots on, apologizing to Frank. He laughed and shrugged it off saying it was ok. Hazel grabbed her coat and panda face hat and smiled at Nico.

"Ok, I'll be back soon!" she called.

"O…kay…" Nico said feeling very left out in the conversation. Why hadn't Hazel told him about this sooner? Did his dad know?

Hazel waved goodbye before walking outside to where Frank's mom was waiting in the car to take the two kids to the theater.  _ “That was nice of her,”  _ Nico thought as he watched the car back out of the driveway.

Nico's father managed to get home before Hazel that night. Nico was again, in his room, this time trying to finish a sketch, as he'd given up on math, when he heard the door open. Thinking it was Hazel, Nico put down his sketchbook and went downstairs to find Hades di Angelo brushing the fresh snow off of his coat.

"Oh, hello, dad," Nico said, a bit taken aback his dad was home so soon.

"Hello, Nico," Hades answered, shrugging his coat off and putting it in the closet. "I finally managed to get everything done in time today. Caught the 6:30 train."

Nico was, of course, pleased, that his dad was here so early today, but at the same time, it was weird. Nico was used to his father being absent, seeing him now, in his own home, was kind of weird. 

There had once been a time when Nico and his dad were a lot closer. A time when Bianca and Maria were both still alive. Since their death, Hades had become distant, preferring to spend most of his time at work. Nico wondered if his dad was desperately trying not to get too emotionally attached to him because it would just hurt him more if something happened to him. And yet, still worse, if he avoided Nico because he was a constant reminder of the past.

"So, is Hazel back yet?" Nico's dad asked as he walked into the living room.

Nico followed behind.

"Not yet."

There was a brief silence.

"Did she tell you?" Nico finally asked.

"That she was going to spend the night out with a friend?" Hades asked, not breaking stride. "Yes. It's good she's finally started to fit in around here. You know your sister's so shy."

"Yeah," Nico said, a bit disappointed that he'd been the only one left out. "Why didn't she tell me?" he finally blurted out.

Hades finally turned around to face Nico and sighed. 

"She doesn't have to let you know everything about her life. You don't tell her when you go out with friends, do you?"

Nico frowned. 

"I don't have friends."

"But if you did," Hades said, not missing a beat. Nico felt a bit hollow inside, that these remarks were so common from him, his dad didn't question them anymore.

"You wouldn't need to tell her, would you? Hazel's growing up, you know. She's going to make her friends. Does she need your approval for that?"

Nico shook his head. 

"I guess not."

Nico knew he was being stupid, but he couldn’t help but feel left out.

* * *

"And that's three points of trample damage to deal with," Nico said to Chris several hours later. 

After going through his morning classes, Nico had decided to go to lunch. Not because he was hungry, but because he hadn't played a game of  _ Magic _ against Chris in a while. He didn't want the other boy to forget about him. Nico, although not popular in any circle, was pretty good at  _ Magic _ . He enjoyed destroying the other players. Chris was as close as his equal as it was possible to get in the school.

Chris grumbled to himself and took his Chandra's Phoenix off the battlefield and put it in his graveyard. Nico inwardly sighed, relieved. Now Chris was probably going to rain instants on him, but Nico had plenty of special cards in his deck. One advantage of having a lot of money was that it bought Nico a lot of fancy  _ Magic _ cards. Money might be able to buy happiness, but it certainly bought plenty of entertainment.

Chris turned his die: only 4 points left. Nico narrowed his eyes. He could win this, if not for that damn Starfish card Chris had. Out of all the  _ Magic _ cards, Nico hated the Sigiled Starfish the most. It made very little sense, because the card itself wasn’t that great. But the first game Nico had ever played against Chris, he had easily beat him using the Starfish. Nico hated the card from that day on.

Chris drew his card, and put down the Tome Scour.

Nico scowled as he placed the first five cards in his library in his graveyard. Mill decks were his least favorite kind of deck to play against. It sucked to having other players messing with his cards.

"Hey there," came a familiar voice from behind Nico.

He turned to find a similar curly, blonde head. 

Of course, Nico chastised himself. Of course Will was here. Nico had seen him weeks ago in this lunch period.

"So, what's this game?" Will asked.

" _ Magic _ ," Chris answered. "I take it you don't play?"

Will shook his head. 

"Nope. Never even really heard of it. I just saw the crowd around here and thought something interesting was going on."

Nico realized the crowd of students formed around Chris every day, and wondered why, in January, Will had suddenly taken an interest in it. Surely he must have noticed it in the first week of school. 

Then he realized that, since he'd met Will, he'd only played one game against Chris, and it was before he and Will were proper friends. That meant that Will must have noticed him and come over because of it.

Nico felt his face turning red and was grateful that he was currently sitting with his back to Will. He glanced at Chris, who was trying to explain the concept of  _ Magic _ to Will, while the crowd moaned in what must have been agonizing boredom for them.

Nico glanced from the cards in his hand to the rest of his deck. He was done. Quickly, he gathered up his graveyard and battlefield and stuffed all the cards into his case.

"You win," he told Chris.

He grabbed his backpack, slung it over his shoulder, his case still in his hand, and hastened to the lunchroom door. He briskly made his way to his usual spot in the library.

It wasn't actually meant for anyone. It was a gap between two bookcases at the very end of the library, off to the left. When Nico sat down in the gap, it was very hard for anybody who wasn't actively looking in that place to see him. And so he stayed hidden to the majority of the students, surrounded by psychology and fiction. Once, at the beginning of the year, a librarian had found Nico and told him he couldn't sit there anymore. He'd sat in an actual chair for about a week, before returning to his old spot. He liked it much better. It was more private and the shelves on either side of him made him feel safer.

It was only in his spot when Nico allowed himself to break composure. He ran his left hand over his face, letting it tangle into his hair. He focused on calming his breathing. He was not going to let this happen to him. Not again. He was not going to start caring about another person. He wasn't going to let another person start caring about him. That wasn't how Nico worked. He was a loner. The fact that Will had managed to worm his way into his life in the short amount of time Nico had new him scared him a little.

"Damn it," Nico whispered, wrapping his arms around his knees and pulling them in close. He could feel his heart pound against his ribcage.

He stayed like the rest of the class period, not moving. He secretly hoped that Will would somehow find him. He secretly hoped that Will knew what was going on in Nico's head and that he'd figure something out to fix it, to fix Nico.

Nico had honestly never thought he'd ever make friends. He'd always imagined his prolonged existence on earth as a cold one. He'd meet people he didn't like, people he was neutral towards, people who he could tolerate, and who tolerated him. 

He reminded himself that wasn’t strictly true. There was, an amount, a small amount, of people who he did like. But now, the connection he'd formed seemed to surpass all of them. If Nico had to compare it to any other person he'd met, he'd have to liken it to that of his relationship, or rather lack of one, with Percy Jackson.

Percy was in eight grade when Nico had started sixth. Unfortunately, for Percy, his reading skills left a lot to be desired. His English grades had been so bad, he'd been put in sixth grade English, along with taking extra classes outside of school to catch up. Percy had claimed that the words started floating off the pages when he read.

Nico had had English with him and had instantly been in awe of him. Perhaps, looking back on it, it was just because he was older, or because he'd seemed indifferent about his bad grades, but at the time, young Nico had thought Percy was the coolest thing ever. Percy didn't seem to mind Nico constantly trying to hang out with him in class, well he didn't seem to mind _ too _ much.

Over time, Nico slowly started forming a crush on his only friend. He never said anything. Nico knew that Percy already had a girlfriend. He talked about her all the time, saying it was only because of her he even managed to get most of his homework done. Nico figured that if she was helping him and making him happy, then he should be happy too, but he never really got over it.

Percy graduated at the end of the year, managing to pass the eighth grade English exam, despite never having set foot in an eighth grade English classroom. Nico had known it was for the best.

During his freshman year, Nico learned that Percy and his girlfriend, Annabeth, were still together. It was actually kind of romantic. Percy, himself seemed to have forgotten about Nico, and why wouldn't he? It had been two years, and, after all, Nico hadn't been in his friend group to begin with.

Now, as Nico sat on the library floor, he couldn't help but see this new friendship go down the same route.The circumstances may have been completely different, but he hadn't had these strong, positive feelings for anyone else since Percy. They were, in fact, eerily similar.

Nico glowered at himself. He was not going to repeat this situation again. He was not going to develop a crush on Will.

" _ It's already too late," _ Nico told himself.

No, it wasn't…maybe. 

" _ Ok, it doesn't matter what I think," _ Nico decided.  _ "Because Will already said he had a girlfriend. He's straight. So, I don't have a chance with him anyway." _

Nico told himself he was stronger than his emotions. He wasn't going to let them get the better of him again. He'd keep himself in check, just like last time. He would ignore how he felt for years if he had to.

But did this mean he couldn't be just friends with Will? Will seemed to like him, certainly more than anyone else he'd been with friends with. Will seemed to be actively seeking him out. At least with Percy, they hadn't really talked outside of English class. 

Ever since after what Nico liked to think of as "the incident", Will seemed more interested in him. Nico hadn't noticed it at first, but now he could sense, rather than see, Will trying to evaluate his mental state. Nico knew that Will was trying hard not to bring it up in conversation, but Nico hadn't read all those phycology books for nothing; he picked up on more than the average person. It was difficult for Nico even to put his head down without Will looking pensively at him. If Nico didn't look up within a minute and give a quick nodd, he'd ask if everything was ok.

But it was more than that. Will also seemed to genuinely enjoy talking to Nico and even laughed at some of Nico's constant sarcasm and deadpan.

Nico wondered if this was considered normal for friends. When he was little, he hadn't needed anyone other than Bianca, and, after that…making friends seemed pointless.

But at the same time, Will had said he considered Nico a friend. However, it was at a time where Nico had been emotionally unstable, and Will could have just been telling him something he wanted to hear.

But if Will didn't like Nico then what was the point trying to keep from hurting his feelings? Why would he care? Unless, it was all an elaborate hoax designed to get Nico to open up to Will only to be publicly ridiculed for it.

But why go through all that effort?


	5. 5

Moving into the next few weeks, there was one thing on Nico's mind: The Deadpool movie. Nico had been a fan of Deadpool for what seemed like forever. Recently, he'd been reading the Spideypool crossover, which, although only had one issue out so far, he was really enjoying. When, last year, Nico had learned that Marvel was going to make an official Deadpool movie, he'd been hyped. The hype had built over the year. Unfortunately, the movie was being released in February and was rated R, which meant Nico needed to be seventeen to see it. Both he and Hazel had asked their dad to take them, but he had refused, on the grounds, that neither of them was seventeen, so it must be inappropriate for them. However, Nico wasn't going to just sit by while one of his favorite characters was brought to the big screen.

One day, while he was "exercising" in gym class, Nico briefly complained about not being able to see the movie to Will.

Will's eyes immediately light up. "I want to see the Deadpool movie too!"

"You a fan too?"

Will shook his head. 

"No, but the trailers look awesome. We should go see it when it comes out."

Nico felt his heart jump in his chest. Up until this point, neither of them had ever seen each other out of school, and Nico had assumed it would stay that way.

"Oh, definitely," he said. "But there's one problem: I'm sixteen."

"Damn," Will said disappointedly. "I keep forgetting you're a year younger than me."

"It's ok," Nico quickly said, trying to just brush it off. "It wasn't going to work anyway, my dad won't let me go anyway."

"No, no, no," Will shook his head. "I'm getting you in. How well can you act?"

Nico shot him a look as if to say  _ "Really?". _

"You convince your dad to let you out, I'll do the rest."

* * *

"Hey, dad?" Nico asked that night at dinner. "So I was talking to a friend today, and he wants to see the new Divergent movie this weekend."

Nico's dad looked up from his plate. His expression said  _ "You are willingly inserting yourself into a social situation?" _ , but he said "Really? Who?"

"Well, I guess so," Nico said. "He's apparently a big fan of the _ Divergent _ series, but he doesn't have anyone to go with, so he asked me if I could come with him."

Nico, actually couldn't stand the _ Divergent _ series. The important thing was that it played in the same theater, on the same day, only half an hour before Deadpool. Yes, he had looked it up.

"Is this Butch Walker?" Hades asked.

Nico shook his head, barely remembering the guy other than the fact that he, like Percy, went to the same middle school as him.

"No, I just met him this year. His name's Will."

"And will I have to drive you?"

Nico thought about it very quickly.

"I think he has his license."

Hades nodded. 

"Alright, don't stay out too late."

Nico thanked his dad, and glanced at Hazel. She looked suspiciously at him. He gave her a questioning look and she mouthed  _ "later" _ at him and decidedly ignored him for the rest of the meal. However as soon as Nico excused himself from the table, Hazel did as well. Nico tried to disappear up to his room, but Hazel grabbed his arm on the stairs.

"Nico."

"What?" he asked.

"Do you honestly expect me to believe that your  _ guy _ friend is a huge fan of _ Divergent _ ? It's one of the biggest chick flicks of the year."

"Just drop it," Nico grumbled. "Dad believed it."

"Well, I don't. You hate  _ Divergent _ . What are you really doing this weekend?"

"Nothing."

Hazel's face fell and she looked at him with a worried expression. She pushed her hair behind her ear and bit her lip. She locked her gold eyes onto Nico's brown ones.

"Nico, tell me you're not mixed up in drugs or something. Because if you, I swear, I'm going to tell Dad."

Nico almost laughed.

"No, no, it's nothing like that," he told his sister. "I'm really going to see a movie. Just not  _ Divergent _ ."

"Then what?" Hazel asked.

" _ Deadpool _ ," Nico told his shoes.

There was a beat of silence.

"Then I'm coming with you."

"Like Hylla won't take you and Reyna," Nico retorted. "This is my only chance to see it."

Hazel exhaled loudly through her nose. "I'm not jealous because you get to see the movie: I'm worried about you."

"Why? I'm fine."

Hazel nodded. "I know, I know. I just…well…it's just strange."

"It's ok," Nico said, putting his hand on her shoulder. "I'm sure Will will keep me safe from all the scary strangers out there."

And with that, Hazel turned around and went back down the stairs. Nico waited until she was out of sight before climbing the rest of the steps to his room. Once in his room, Nico pulled out his phone

_ Nico: I told my dad we're going to see Divergent. If he asks, you're a fan of it. _

_ Will: Np _

_ Will: Got you an id _

_ Nico: WHAT? _

_ Will: Chill its just a school id guy in my class looks like u _

_ Nico: Ok. Bet this had better work. _

_ Will: It will :D _

_ Nico: Ok, I'm deleting this conversation. See you tomorrow. _

_ Will: C ya _

* * *

That Tuesday, a sign on the boy's locker room loudly proclaimed that nobody was supposed to change today, because there was going to be a presentation in class. Always happy not to exercise, Nico continued on into the main gym. He spied a familiar curly head, and went over to the back of the gym to join Will.

"Hey," he said. Normally, Nico didn't like announcing his presence. He actually liked to play a game: how long can I stand behind them without them noticing? However, Will was different. 

Will turned around.

"Yo, Nico! I got something for you here."

Will dug around in his backpack for a second.

"Congratulations! You're 17!" he said, handing Nico a plastic card. On it was the face of another boy.

"Ethan Nakamura," Nico read looking at the card. "He looks nothing like me!"

Will sighed.

"Yeah, he does. He's got the same hair and eye color and your faces are similar enough."

Nico grumbled.

"Shit, man," Will said. "It's not like they even look at look at your ID for more than a second."

"Ok," Nico said. "But, I just have one question: How'd you get this?"

Will smiled. 

"There are many benefits of knowing the Stoll brothers," he noticed the look on Nico's face. "I'm going to give it back! Jesus Crist. Don't glare at me like that. Ethan's not even going to miss it."

"My morals are going," Nico remarked. He slipped the card into his backpack.

Will grinned. 

"No!" he whined. "Not another one gone!"

"Shut up."

Will took it as an opportunity to segway the conversation back to his dragon collecting game. Will went through all of the dragons in his lair, explaining the backstory behind them all.

"So, did you make this all up?" Nico asked after a while.

"Will nodded. "Yeah. I love writing. I actually thought this basics of the story up a long time ago, and I've been building on it ever since."

He went along explaining about his dragons and how the game worked. Nico smiled to himself as he realized that the two of them were supposed to be listening to the presentation that Coach Hedge was giving for Hoops for Heart. Nico reasoned that, since the presentation hadn't changed since sixth grade, he wasn't missing much. So he tuned out the monotonous drone of Coach Hedge reading off a slide show.

Their conversation morphed from the dragon collecting game to Skyrim which Will had logged over 900 hours in. Nico had never played it before. His dad was good with a lot of things, but video games were not one of them. Will, in return was shocked and horrified. He promised that he'd invite Nico over so he could play some games.

"I'm going to be so bad at them though!" Nico said. The few times he'd managed to pick up a controller, he had terrible trouble with the games. Not just how to play the actual game, but how the buttons worked and how to steer.

"It's ok," Will said. "I've been playing them for over a decade. I'll help you. God, my childhood was  _ Pokémon _ . What else haven't you done?"

Nico shrugged.

" _ Avatar _ ?" Will asked.

" _ The Last Air Bender _ ?" Nico asked.

Will shook his head.

"The one with the blue people."

"Yeah.

Nico shrugged. "Never saw it."

"What? How can you not have seen it?" Will asked. "It's one of my favorite movies of all time."

Nico shrugged again. "I'll have to watch it some time," he said. It was a noncommittal answer. He never actually planned to rent it, but maybe he'd read a plot synopsis so he would know what it was about.

" _ Lord of the Rings _ ?" Will asked.

"Do you take me for a fool?" Nico snorted. "Of course I've seen _ Lord of the Rings _ ."

" _ Narnia _ ?"

"Read the books and own the movies."

" _ Inception _ ?"

"It's got something to do with a spinning top."

"Ok," Will said, typing on his phone. "So,  _ Avatar _ and  _ Inception _ ."

Nico titled his head off the side. "What are you doing?" he asked confused.

"I'm making a list of movies you need to see."

Nico rolled his eyes.

"Really?"

"Yeah, it'll give us some good ideas of what to do when you come over."

Will continued on not seeming to notice Nico's expression. Nico, for one was shocked. He couldn't believe that Will was actually inviting him to his house.

" _ How to Train Your Dragon _ ?"

"The book was better, but yes."

“There was a book?” 

“Yeah”

" _ The Hunger Games _ ?"

"Yeah, I've actually been dragged to all of them."

Will laughed.

"Not me. Never like them."

"Me neither."

Will laughed. 

"Ok,  _ Monty Python _ ?"

"Oh, my God, yes!"

"It's just a flesh wound!" Will quoted. “Hey, Nico, what's your favorite color?"

"Blue—wait! Yellow! Aughh!" Nico feigned dying, only to sit up a second later and continue to laugh along with Will.

"Grace!" Called Coach Hedge from the front of the gym. "Stop socializing!"

Jason, who had been sitting a few feet away from the two of them, not talking at all, glared at Coach Hedge, but didn't say anything.

"Shut up, guys," he whispered to Nico and Will as soon as the coach's back was turned.

"Sorry," Will whispered back. "So," he continued in a much quitter tone " _ The Princess Bride _ ?"

Nico nodded.

"Disney movies?"

Nico shook his head. "I'm not big on  _ Disney _ . I've seen a few, but mostly no."

" _ Toy Story _ ?"

"I've seen  _ Toy Story 3 _ ."

"What kind of sense does that make?" Will asked.

Nico shrugged. 

"I don't know."

" _ Mean girls _ ?"

Nico wrinkled his nose.

"Isn’t that like, a really big chick flick?."

Will shook his head.

" _ Mean Girls _ is for everyone. It's a classic. I'm adding it to the list."

"Nooo," Nico complained.

"Too late."

"I'm assuming  _ Harry Potter _ ," Will said after finishing updating his list.

"I own a Hogwarts T-shirt," Nico answered. "You've seen me in it!"

Will thought about it for a second. 

"Huh. I guess I have. What house you in?"

"Slytherin," Nico answered.

"Hey, me too!"

Nico narrowed his eyes. "Seriously? I thought you'd be in Ravenclaw or something. Aren't you taking Calculus and Physics this year?"

Will nodded. 

"Yeah. I thought so too for the longest time, but then I got sorted on Pottermore. I was kinda disappointed, but I love snakes, so I guess I kind of see it."

"Really?" Nico asked. He'd never met someone who loved reptiles before. Lots of people gushed over how cute puppies or kittens were, but never snakes.

"Yeah," Will enthused. "I really want a ball python. My dad thinks they'd be able to kill me though, despite the fact that they're literally the most common house pet. For snakes," he added.

"Well, that's stupid," Nico said.

"I know!" Will said. "And they're the chilliest snakes ever. You can just put them on your hand and they'll hang out with you for hours. I once went to Petsmart and they let me hold a baby ball python."

"Cool," Nico said. "So, you don't have any pets then?"

Will shook his head. 

"I have a fish, but it's not the same."

"I have a dog," Nico offered. "Her name is Mrs. O'Leary."

Will laughed. 

"How'd you come up with that?"

Nico shrugged. 

"She came with the name, and she already answered to it, so we didn't change it."

"My fish's name is Broseidon."

"Bro-seidon?" Nico asked, incredulous.

"Yeah, cause he's a bro," Will answered. "I got him last year when my boyfriend at the time and I went to the summer carnival."

And that was the sentence that sent alarm bells off in Nico's mind. Oh, God, not again. Not another Percy.

Nico became aware that he hadn't said anything yet.

"So," he said, trying hard to say something other than  _ "You're bi? Why didn't you tell me?". _

"You have a boyfriend? I feel cheated. Why haven't I met him yet?"

Will shrugged, kind of embarrassedly. 

"Oh, I should have said ex. We broke up at the end of the summer. He was straight. So, you know, it wasn't going to work out, but we're still friends, so I guess I don't consider him an ex. Kinda a weird time for me, to be honest."

"Oh," he finally said. What else was he supposed to say to that? Was there even a proper response?

Will shrugged.

"Yeah, but anyway. I seriously need to get a ball python as soon as I graduate. It's going to be the closest to a dragon I'm ever going to get. Dragons are basically snakes with wings."

Nico was relieved that Will had changed the subject himself.

* * *

The next day, Will wasn't in class. Nico was painfully reminded why he hated gym class, especially partner work. Since everybody already had paired up weeks ago, Nico got to practice with Coach Hedge. It was a terrifying experience. Nico was sure the little guy could easily snap him in half or take him out with some kung fu. Really though, Nico was forced to do more exercise than he had done all semester, so he had to give the coach one thing: working out really was his passion.

The next day, Will also wasn't in class. At this point, Nico had gotten worried. One day was normal, but two days missing, and something was probably wrong. Nico's mind instantly jumped to the night of "the incident". Will had admitted to being depressed once. What if he'd relapsed? What if he was secretly really hurting, but he kept it together in front of Nico much like Nico did in front of Hazel?

As soon as Nico got home he took out his phone and typed

_ "Hey, you haven't been in school. You ok?". _

He looked at the message for a long time before shaking his head and deleting it from his que. It sounded stupid. He placed his phone on his bedside table and tried to forget about it, but he couldn't shake the notion something had happened to Will.

The next day was Friday, just one day before the two of them had planned to see _ Deadpool _ and Nico, in second period resolved that, if Will wasn't in class again, he would text him. By fourth period, Nico decided that texting him on Saturday was probably a better idea. By fifth period, Nico had come to the conclusion that Will probably just didn't want to talk to him and if he did, he'd text Nico. By sixth period, Nico had decided that Will was purposely ignoring him. By the beginning of seventh period, Nico had decided that Will must have been hospitalized again.

Nico entered the gym, not particularly looking for Will and was very surprised when he saw him alive and well leaning against the wall in their usual place. Nico felt a relief wash over him as we walked across the gym. He didn't want to admit he had been worried without reason. At least he didn't have to tell people.

"Hi-" Nico started but was interrupted by Will pulling him into a rough hug. Nico felt his stomach jump. Was this meant to be butterflies? If it was he didn't like it. Will patted his upper back once before releasing him in one motion.

Nico stepped back and studied Will's face. He had a bruise on his right cheek and butterfly bandages on the side of his chin.

"Are you ok?" Nico asked.

"I was in a car accident."

Nico blinked. 

"Are you serious? Where?"

"Right up here," Will answered. "Literally right outside of the school. Didn't you hear about it?"

Nico shook his head. He didn't drive. He'd just gotten his permit this month.

"It was really big news," Will said. He sounded a little put out, almost like he had been enjoying the attention. "So, I was trying to get to school, you know, like normal, and then, some car comes out of nowhere and slams into the side of my car, and then my car winds up hitting two other cars. It was fucking scary, but I'm ok. I didn't even need stitches, but my car's totaled."

"Oh," said Nico not quite knowing what  _ "totaled" _ meant. "That sucks."

"I know!" Will said. "My parents and I are trying to find me a new car now that I can afford, because I'm but a poor boy. I have no money."

"But lots of Skyrim hours," Nico added.

"You have a point," Will conceded. “And really, we both know which is better.”

"I thought you died," Nico said, without thinking.

A crease formed between Will's eyebrows. 

"Why would you think that?"

Nico shrugged.

"It would be the only reason I would miss two days," he answered, trying to pass it off as a joke.

Will shook his head. 

"You remind me so much of me sometimes it's freaky."

Nico frowned. 

"I'm not like you."

"You're like freshman me," Will clarified. "Only a lot nicer, and more in control. I was an asshole back then. I would have hated me."

"I would have liked you," Nico said.

"No, you wouldn't have."

There was something very definite in Will’s tone. 

"So, I'm you two years ago?" Nico asked, trying to change the subject. "Well, I guess that gives me a bright future. Just look what I could become."

Will nodded, and Nico doubted he had even heard his last statement. Will seemed to be lost in his past, and Nico realized that he had been comparing the two of them in more ways more than superficial similarities. Nico wondered how much of himself Will saw in him.

"So…" Nico said, in an attempt to lighten the mood which had grown unsettlingly dark in the last few seconds. "Are we still on for Saturday?"

Will nodded. 

"Are you kidding? You think I'm going to miss it because of a few bruises? Hell, yeah, we're still on! I wanna see Deadpool cut some guys in half!"

Nico smiled. This is why he liked gym class best of all now: blatantly not exercising and talking about comic book characters.

Will smiled back, and Nico felt the butterflies return.


	6. 6

Several hours later, Nico was finding it impossible to fall asleep. He glanced at the clock: 1:12am. Nico rolled on to his back, careful not to bump anything with his right leg, because it was still very sore. Most people thought that self-harm only hurt when you actually did it, when you were actually cutting yourself to ribbons. What they didn't realize was that the cuts scab over and stick around. They were sensitive to the touch and constantly rubbing against whatever clothing you hid them under. They slowly heal, but still throb and ache painfully. Nico's old scars never fully healed, never quite stopped hurting.

Nico moaned to himself. Sleep finally took him, but it was brief. Several hours later, he bolted straight up bed fear coursing through him, unsure for a second if he had woken up at all. His eyes swiveled around in the darkness.

Nico pulled his knees up, still under the blankets, and rested his face in them, his hand over his neck, trying to remember his dream. What had scared him? 

He remembered running...running from something big, something he couldn’t see, something he couldn’t let catch him. But that wasn’t where the fear had come from. It had been something else. He remembered something else as well. A sensation he hadn’t actually ever felt, but he had imagined over and over again. He had kissed someone in his dream. 

Nico let his mind sit in the moment, trying to recapture the feeling. Then suddenly realized why he’d woken up so afraid. It had been Will. He had kissed Will and become so terrified he’d woken up before he had gotten his reaction. 

Nico covered his face in his hands, rubbing circles into his hot cheeks. He didn't have a lot of friends, but he was pretty sure that most friends did not have dreams where they kissed their friends. If his dreams were his subconscious, then they were trying to send him a message. 

_ “Thanks a lot, stupid emotions,”  _ Nico thought bitterly. 

Still, the dream had made Nico really happy, kind of embarrassed, but happy. Not only did it assure him he was indeed a real person with real emotions, it was something to look forward to every day. Nico knew that however upset he was at the time he was, there was someone who could always make him feel better. There was someone who he really enjoyed spending time with, someone who he felt he could never get bored of. It was exciting, and nerve-wracking, and made him really happy. 

But on the other hand, it also made Nico feel like the worst person in the world. Mostly because, just like Nico's self-harm, Will hadn't signed up for this other. This would just be another problem Nico would put on him. Nico couldn't very well tell him, because then Will very likely didn't feel the same way, and then would have to tell that to his friend, who he knew was already dealing with such low self-esteem. Nico already felt terrible about dragging Will into his life as a friend. There was no possible way he could ask anymore of him. But, by not telling him, Nico felt, if that was possible, even worse. He felt like he, at least, owed Will that. He felt like he was taking advantage of Will's kindness.

Nico thought that he might have been able to just bottle his feelings if Will had been 100% confirmed straight. Then at least there was some kind of reality to the situation. The fact that, one day, they could wind up together, filled Nico's mind with all sorts of possible  _ "What ifs?" _ .

Nico's thoughts swirled around his head, looping endlessly. He was unable to come to a conclusion. He imagined the lines of thought as shimmering ribbons trying themselves into knots in his brain. They left no room for anything else.

_ Nico: Hey. You up? _

_ It only took a minute for a response. _

_ Thalia: Heyy! It's been so long! :) _

_ Thalia: Boy whachu doin up? It's 3 in the morning _

_ Nico: I can't sleep. I need some advice. You busy? _

_ Thalia: Nah. band practice is over _

_ Nico: I think I might like someone. _

_ Thalia: OMG! Who? I can't believe it! Nico has emotions! I'm so proud of u :DD Do u have a picture of him? Don't mind me while I hyperventilate over here _

Nico smiled to himself as he imagined Thalia in all her punk clothes and dyed, spiky hair outright fangirling over the prospect of him liking someone. He laughed to himself and chalked up the overzealous response to lack of sleep and/or alcohol.

_ Nico: Just, calm down. His name is Will, and no, I actually don't yet.  _

_ Thalia: Describe him then? *^-^* Is he cute?  _

_ Nico: Um, I guess so.  _

_ Thalia: U guess? Nico!  _

_ Nico: Ok, he  _ is _. I said it. _

_ Thalia: So, you need to figure out if he's gay or at least bi? I’m so down to overanalyze everything he’s ever said to u _

_ Nico: Not exactly. I already know he's bi. I need to figure out how to stop liking him. _

_ Thalia: Huh? If he's bi then just ask him out. _

_ Nico: Um, I can't. _

_ Thalia: Ur too shy? _

_ Nico: No, it’s not that. It's just we're already friends and I don't want to scare him away or something. I keep thinking maybe I'm liking him for the wrong reasons. _

_ Thalia: Oh. :P _

_ Thalia: Well u could try it. That's what I'd do. _

_ Nico: I can't. _

_ Thalia: So let me get this straight: u wanna be friends with him, but don't want to date him, even though u already said you like him? _

_ Nico: Yeah, pretty much. _

_ Thalia: Idk Nico. I'm srry. I really am. I guess if ur really serious about it u could try ignoring it for a while and if it goes away, then no harm done. BUT! If months go by and you still like him u gotta ask him out.  _

Nico knew Thalia must be getting frustrated by now, and for good reason. He knew he was putting her in an impossible situation.

_ Nico: Ok. _

_ Thalia: And actually do it. I swear if u don't sort this out by summer I'm gonna fix it for u. _

_ Nico: You wouldn't dare. _

_ Thalia: Oh yes I would! ;D _

_ Nico: Thanks. _

_ Thalia: Don't get bent out of shape. It's just high school.  _

_ Nico: That’s easy for you to say. My whole life is high school.  _

_ Thalia: It’s all good. It’s important to u ya know tho _

_ Thalia: u need anything else? cuz I'm literally dying rn _

_ Nico: Me too. But no, I'm good.  _

_ Nico: Thanks. _

_ Thalia: Np _

_ Thalia: Ask him out!! _

Nico put his phone back down, watching the blue glow until it shut off. He closed his eyes, half wishing he could go back to the dream.

* * *

The next morning Nico was preparing to go to his and Will's definitely-not-a-date-we're-just-friends trip to the movie theater. Nico looked at himself in the mirror, self-consciously wondering if he looked ok, but then realized that Will hardly ever saw him out of gym clothes, so trying to look nice probably didn't matter at this point. Will already knew what he looked like.

His dad was gone and Hazel was nowhere to be found, so Nico hung around in the living room, absently petting Mrs. O'Leary. She took it as an opportunity to slobber all over his knee.

"Are you excited for the Deadpool movie?" he asked her.

Mrs. O'Leary looked up at Nico and smiled her doggie smile. She didn't really care what you said to her as long as you petted her.

Nico smiled and scratched her ears.

"Yeah, me too."

Nico's phone buzzed.

_ Will: I'm coming be there in 5 _

_ Nico: Ok. _

And true to word to his word, Will showed up in an incredibly huge, blue minivan. It was so large and seemed even bigger with only Will inside that Nico had to laugh.

"What's so funny?" Will huffed as Nico climbed up to sit next to him in the front passenger seat.

"I literally had to pull myself up into your car," Nico answered.

"I told you it wasn't my car," Will said. "My car is totaled. This is the only other car I can drive. I can't drive my mom's work car."

"I know," Nico said. "It's just funny. What's your mom do, by the way?"

"She's a performer," Will answered. "She mostly sings and plays the piano."

"You from a musical family then?"

Will nodded. 

"You could say that. My dad plays the drums and harp, kind of a bit of guitar too. My mom plays the piano and sings. I think they'd kill me if I wasn't in band."

Nico nodded.

"So, what do you want to listen to?" Will asked as soon as he'd backed out of the driveway.

Nico shrugged. He wasn't picky about his music tastes.

"I don't care."

"Ok," Will said. He scrolled through his phone for a second before setting it down. And that was when Nico learned two very important things about Will's tastes in music: one, Will was the kind of person who liked to blast his music so loud you couldn't talk over it, and two, Will's preferred genre was Movie Soundtracks/Orchestral music. It was the strangest combination Nico could think of. Still, Nico appreciated the interesting choice and Will hummed along with the  _ How to Train Your Dragon _ opening theme all the way to the theater.

"Ok," Nico whispered nervously as he fiddled with Ethan's school ID.

"Oh, relax," Will said, waving a dismissive hand as they waited in line. "At least take your hands out of your pockets. You look like you’re trying to disappear into your jacket."

Nico nodded, knowing that trick. Exposed hands were more likely to create less suspicion, due to the fact that subconsciously, people recognized that you weren't armed or trying to conceal anything. God, why did he know that? Why did he treat his life so analytically? 

The line moved slowly, but eventually the two made it to the front of the line.

"Two to Deadpool, please," Will said to the girl at the counter.

"Can I see your IDs?" she asked.

"Whoa, whoa. You can't pay for me. I can buy my own ticket," Nico protested at the same time.

"You can pay me back later," Will said, showing the girl his ID.

Feeling very much out of his depth, Nico held up Ethan's ID. He hoped it wasn't upside-down.

"Alright," the girl nodded and gave them their two tickets.

"Thanks," Nico muttered as he took his ticket.

He followed Will who had apparently decided to stop at the concession stand.

"You want anything?" Will asked.

Nico shook his head.

"Do you ever eat?" Will complained.

Nico shifted uncomfortably, not wanting to add eating disorder to Will's list of  _ "Things Wrong With Nico" _ .

"I'm just not hungry," he answered.

Will shrugged. 

"Your loss."

The theater was half full by the time Nico and Will finally found seats and by that time, Nico was a jittering mass of energy. He doubted he'd ever looked this physically engaged in anything before to Will, but in fairness Will had only seen him in school up until this point. How could Nico look anything but apathetic there?

Will, ever concerned with the welfare of his dragons, pulled out his phone to check on them. Nico let him mess around before a few minutes before saying

"It's starting now."

And as the lights dimmed, Will shut off his phone, so that his face, along with everybody else was shrouded in darkness.

* * *

"Best movie ever!" Nico exclaimed two hours later as the two of them left the theater.

"Ok, but Deadpool may be my favorite comic book character now," Will admitted.

"Ok, but seriously, it wasn't canon, but it was awesome," Nico answered. "Like when he just straight up shot Francis. And Colossus was upset and he was just like  _ "You were droning on." _ . That's so in character."

They two continued discussing the movie as they walked out to the parking lot.

"What time is it?" Nico asked suddenly.

"Um, about four thirty," Will answered after checking. "Why?"

Nico shrugged.

"No reason." 

It was because his dad wasn't going to be home yet. Nico didn't want to go home to an empty house.

"We still have some time," Will said. "What time does your dad expect you home?"

"I doubt he'll even be home before seven," Nico said. He tried not to sound bitter, because he knew his dad wasn't purposely trying to ignore or neglect him. He worked hard at his job, but at times, Nico couldn't help but feel like it took precedence over him and his sister.

"I don't know, do you want to hang out here then?" Will asked. "There's a pottery place just over there."

He pointed to a small building with a sign that read  _ "Color My Mind" _ .

"What do you do there?" Nico asked. "Buy pottery?"

Will shook his head. "You get to paint it. Come on, I'll show you. It's really cool."

And so the two of them wound up spending the next hour painting. Nico found a gravestone in the Halloween section that read: RIP Ima Gonner. Under it read: I told you I was sick.

"Seriously, man?" Will asked. "We just had Halloween."

It was true, if Nico wanted to be up to date with his holidays, he should have chosen one of the heart shaped plates that seemed to be ever popular in the store today. Valentine's Day was two days away. However, Nico wouldn’t be caught dead paining some pink, flowery heart.

"I like it," Nico protested. "Besides, you're painting a coffee mug."

Will shrugged. 

"I drink coffee, so it's useful. What are you going to do with a grave stone?"

Nico smiled.

"It'll match my room more than you think. Besides, Halloween's my favorite holiday. I used to check out Halloween books from the library during summer when I was little."

Will laughed softly. 

"Of course you did. You were macabre from an early age."

"Don't act like Halloween isn't your favorite holiday too," Nico answered as he started painting the spectral crow perched on top of his gravestone.

"How can it not be?" Will asked. "You just walk around and get candy all night."

"Everybody blows Christmas out of proportion," Nico said. "I'd take a month of Halloween. Can you imagine how terrified everybody would be by the end of it?"

Will shook his head. 

"Only you, only you'd want a month of terrorizing everyone around you."

Nico smiled and realized just how easy it was to still talk to Will. It had been harder with Percy. Nico had never really been able to talk to him properly. He had been younger then. Nico found talking to Will just as easy as it always had been. Maybe it was because they were already friends that he didn't feel any pressure to act differently. Honestly, the conversation went pretty much the same as when they had been just friends. No, they  _ were _ just friends, Nico reminded himself. He shouldn’t be thinking like that.

By the time their pottery was finished, Nico had reassured himself that just ignoring his feelings was going to be a lot easier than he had originally anticipated.

"Nico," Will called.

Nico turned from where he was about to head back to the car.

"What?"

"There's a pet store."

"You want to look at the puppies, don't you?"

Will nodded.

Nico rolled his eyes, but he couldn't help it as a smile crept over his face. He followed Will down the street with his hands in his pockets, because he was going to be shady, damn it!

Nico was sure as soon as he entered the store that Mrs. O'Leary would love There. The walls were lined with dog toys and treats. Bedding and cages were stacked against the other wall. And behind the glass, on the last wall were-

"Puppies!" Will squealed delighted, going up to the cages and pressing his hand to the glass.

"I thought you liked snakes," Nico said casually, leaning on the wall next to him.

"I do," Will said as the puppy put it's paw up to his hand. Had there been no glass, they would have high-fived. "But I love puppies too."

Nico had to admit the puppies were pretty cute, but he found their situation rather sad. The idea of being simultaneously trapped and on display made Nico’s good mood evaporate. Will was still talking to the puppies, and hadn’t noticed Nico’s shift in emotion.

"I really want a dog," Will rambled on to Nico. "I'd get one, but you know, my parents would kill me and shit."

Nico nodded. "You should come over sometime. We have a dog."

"Yes!" Will agreed.

After a few more minutes, they left the store and were on their way back to the car when Will decided he was, again, hungry. Nico pretended to be slightly annoyed.

Will found an ice cream shop a few blocks away.

"Do you want anything?" he asked.

Nico shook his head.

"Oh, come on, man. You can't just sit there while I eat."

"Fine," Nico decided, exasperated. He looked at a spot about 12 inches to the left of Will's shoulder. "I'll get something." 

Despite the wind chill, Nico felt his face getting hot. It wasn’t so much embarrassment, as it was a self acknowledgement of his own shame.

As Nico sat inside the shop, eating his lemon flavored ice, he glanced out the window and saw snowflakes begin to fall. He wondered if Will ate hot food in summer too. Nico listened as Will went on and on about his life until the conversation somehow morphed into a discussion on roller coasters.

"I mean, yeah, I like them, but some have too many loops," Will said. "Then it just gets overdone."

"So, you like tastefully done loops," Nico concluded.

Will nodded. 

"Yeah, like I'll get sick if that's all they do."

"Yeah, I still maintain that I like all rollercoasters."

"We should go to an amusement park some time," Will said. "All my friends hate them."

"All? Seriously?" Nico asked. He found that hard to believe. He and Hazel both had no problem with them.

Will nodded. 

"Yeah, because I go with them and they're all like "Nah, I don't want to do anything." And I'm like "What the fuck did you buy a ticket for? The teacups?"."

"Hey, don't dis the teacups."

Will snorted.

"My family used to go to amusement parks every summer. I was kind of our thing."

"What happened?" Nico asked.

Will shrugged.

"Family issues. You don't want to hear about it. But it kind of sucks, because I never get to see my mom's grandparents anymore. I mean, I kind of do, but it's like once a year at most."

"Do you miss them?" Nico asked. He wasn't close with any of his grandparents or cousins or anything. After his mom had died, his dad had pretty much cut ties with her family. The most he ever saw of them was a Christmas card. His dad didn't get on well with most of his siblings, so he rarely visited. Nico knew he had a lot of cousins, but he didn't know their names.

"I miss my grandma," Will said. "She's this little, old, conservative, lady, but she's the sweetest ever. I think she'd really like you."

Nico's eyebrows creased. "Why?" he asked. He couldn't see himself appealing to any conservative. 

Will shrugged. "Because you're so polite and quiet and shit. I mean, you even talk old fashioned."

"I do not!" Nico protested.

"You type out all the words when you text," Will said. "No one does that, man. You're, like, everything she wants me to be."

"I'm glad your grandma would approve of me. After all, the approval of one's grandparents is what I strive for in all my friendships,” Nico said.

Will laughed.

"Not everything in life is sarcastic," he said.

"I don't follow."

"Shut up!"

A few seconds later Will asked "So...how about you?"

"My family life?" Nico asked. "It's boring. I live with my dad and my sister. Have you met her? She's a freshman this year. Her name's Hazel Leveque."

Will shook his head. 

"I don't think so. But she has a different last name?"

"She's adopted."

"Oh, that's cool. I guess she doesn't look like you then."

Nico shook his head, thinking about Hazel's curly hair, large gold eyes, and dark skin. The only thing they shared physically was a very light set of freckles.

"I want a sibling," Will said. "It's seriously not fair you get a sister  _ and _ a dog."

Nico snorted.

"You don't want my life," he said.

"Yeah, that's true," Will nodded. "I've already lived it. I don't want to repeat history. Now if I had a time turner…"

"Ooh, did you know the new movie comes out in November?"

" _ Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them _ ? We should go,” Will said.

Nico smiled.

"We should."

Nico phrased it in a way that didn't actually commit himself to saying they would. He knew that, very likely, Will would have forgotten about it by then. Nico didn't like promising things, even to himself. This way, he wouldn't be disappointed if it never happened. Nico had been using this method of subconsciously avoiding outright lies and truth for years now. He didn't even realize he was doing it most of the time.

"Hey, do you want to come back to my house after this?" Will asked. "No one's home right now. Except Broseidon," he added.

Nico shook his head. 

"My dad's going to be home soon. I don't want to get back after him."

Will nodded. 

"Alright. Some other time then."

"Ok," Nico agreed.

Nico looked down at the cup of half melted ice cream. He wasn't going to finish it anytime soon. Besides, he and Will had been in the ice cream shop for over half an hour already, and Nico was starting to feel as if he'd overstayed his welcome.

There was also a group of teenage girls who had entered the shop a while ago and were whispering behind their hands while stealing looks at him. It made Nico feel extremely uncomfortable, but he couldn't go up to a group of kids minding their own business and tell them to knock it off. The problem was in his own head.

"So…" Will said. "Shall we go?"

Nico realized he'd been spacing out.

"Oh, yeah," he said.

"Thanks for taking me," Nico said as Will pulled back into his driveway.

"I--Thanks for coming."

"See you Monday?"

"Yep. See you then."

Nico walked up the steps to his house, and for the first time in a long time, he wasn't happy to be back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Bit late, but here it is!


	7. 7

Nico went to his room, unable to find anyone in the house. He spied his backpack in the corner of his room. He walked over to it and opened it, a vague sense of needing to do his homework nagging at his mind.

He flipped through his notebooks for a while, unable to actually begin anything. It was like his brain was barring him from completing anything. Nico stared at the horticulture textbook. It sat cold and heavy on his lap. He knew Mr. Brunner would be disappointed in him if he didn't turn them in. He knew that his grade in horticulture was terrible. He knew if he kept not turning in his work he wasn't going to pass the class. He knew he should be working, but Nico couldn't, and he hated himself for it. It was like watching his life fall apart in front of his eyes. It was as if he was in a dream; he could do nothing to stop it.

Frustrated, Nico snapped the book shut. He walked over to his bookcase and put the book down. He went back to his uncompleted notes and shoved them back into his backpack. He'd have to finish it another day. Maybe tomorrow.

Nico lied down on his bed, still fully clothed, shoes on. He was so tired, he almost felt physically ill. His head spun. 

* * *

A day and a half later, Nico's homework still wasn't done.

He thought that Mr. Brunner must expect it at this point, because he didn't even comment when Nico didn't turn the notes in. Nico couldn't tell if it made him feel better or worse. It was disheartening that the only teacher that had seemed to care now regarded him as a lost cause. His mood didn't improve in the rest of his classes. He spent the majority of his lunch period skimming his homework trying to see what he could get done, but since he hadn't paid attention in the lessons from three days ago, it was nearly impossible. Finally, Nico gave up. He spent the rest of the period reading _The Psychology of Anger_ , but his mind wasn't in it, and his eyes slid over the words on the page without taking them in.

Nico was done with the day by the time he got to seventh period, and he was sure Will could sense it. There had been another sign saying not to dress for gym class today, but Nico had barely noticed it as he walked in.

"Hey," he said sitting down next to Nico. "How are you?"

"Fine," Nico responded, not taking his chin off of his knees.

"Cool," Will said. "That's cool."

They sat in silence for a minute.

"So…"Will broke the silence. "How was your day?"

"Ok."

Will scowled. 

"I'm not going to be able to keep up this conversation if you keep replying with one word."

Nico sighed and lifted his head from his chin shaking it, trying to clear his head. He felt his hair whip around his face. It was getting long. He was going to have to cut it again soon.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. What were we talking about?" he asked, but the words came to him slowly. He felt stupid in his own head.

Will looked at him and Nico started feeling uncomfortable staring into those blue eyes. He wanted to look away, but he felt like he'd break something if he did.

"Smile," Will finally said.

"What?"

"Smile. Just relax."

Nico broke the connection and looked away. He wrapped his arms tighter around himself.

"I don't do that," he said.

"Oh, come on. You do it all the time," Will said, reaching out his hand, poking Nico slightly in the cheek.

Nico purposely continued to scowl and swatted Will's hand away.

"Knock it off."

Nico rubbed his face where Will had poked it, but when he took his hand away, he could still feel the indent. Nico could help but like when Will touched him. He was warm, reassuring, calming even, but Nico was scared. He disliked physical contact from everyone, including Hazel. It bothered him that as soon as Will's hand left him, he found himself wishing it was still there. It bothered him more than anything Will could say to pester him. He was angry, but didn't have a reason for it. 

"I guess this is a bad time to tell you I won't be here two Fridays from now?" Will said as it became apparent that Nico wasn't going to say anything.

Nico immediately turned to face him.

"Why?"

"I'm, uh, going to be going on an antidrug/mental positivity retreat."

Nico raised an eyebrow. 

"Oh, I was unaware you were a girl. Consider the wedding off."

Will tilted his head to the side in confusion.

"Huh?"

"Nevermind."

"What's your problem, man?," Will protested, seemingly only having grasped that part of the insult. "Lots of other guys are coming too."

"Good for them."

"You should come too," Will said, proceeding to ignore Nico's last comment.

"I don't do drugs," Nico said flatly.

"It's more than that," Will corrected without a hint of sarcasm in his voice. "It deals with a lot of self-esteem issues and other shit like that too. It could seriously help you."

"I don't need help," Nico scoffed, but he doubted, from the look he gave him, that Will believed him. 

"At least think about it," Will said. "You can probably still sign up for it."

Nico shook his head. 

"Sorry, but I'm not going to go talk to a bunch of strangers."

"Oh, come on. It's really fun. I've been going since my sophomore year."

Nico sighed and leaned back against the wall. He didn't have the energy to argue with Will, but he knew there was no way in hell he was going to go along on this weekend retreat thing.

"Oh, Nico. What am I going to do with you," Will remarked.

"You could just leave me," Nico offered. He was only half joking.

"Nah."

"Then _you_ bring this on _yourself_."

Nico realized how easy it was to deflect any comments Will made with immediate sarcasm. It bothered him immensely because he didn't want to just brush off any concern Will had for him. It was an automatic response to people trying to pry at him for information. Nico wished he could talk to Will and say what he really meant, but he didn’t know how to even start. It saddened him to know he kept his emotions so tied up in himself in himself he'd never be able to fully let them go.

"Seriously?" Will asked. "Are you mad at me or something?"

Nico shook his head.

"No."

"Really?"

"I'm just having a bad day today."

"Why? What happened?"

"Nothing!" Nico spat. There was too much anger in his voice . "I'm not feeling well." He added lamley, in a much more subdued voice.

"Physically...or...?"

The question hung in the air, gossamer thin, but unmistakably demanding to be answered.

Nico shook his head.

"It’s stress."

Will frowned and studied Nico's face.

"Are you stressed because of the test today?" he finally asked.

Nico blinked.

"There's a test today? On what?"

He noticed Will suppress a small smile as he shook his head.

"How the fuck do you keep passing your classes?" he asked, a tint of wonder lacing his words. "Do you ever know when there's a test?"

Nico shrugged.

"Here comes Hedge now," Will said, pointing to the short man who was, indeed, carrying a stack of papers.

"Hmm. Well…" Nico mused.

"It's ok," said Will as he stood up and extended his hand down to Nico, pulling him to his feet. In that moment, Nico was painfully aware of how short he was, and of how easily he could be lifted from the ground. And how he was still holding onto Will’s hand, how warm it felt. His dream flashed in his mind for a second. What if he kissed Will now? 

Nico let go of Will’s hand and the moment was over. Gym class wasn’t the time for romantic gestures. 

"It's just on what we done so far. You'll do fine,” Will said.

Oh, he was talking about the test.

Nico was relieved when he saw the first question and realized he knew the answer. It was rather easy when he was practicing the answers every day. He finished the test relatively quickly, turned it in, and went to sit against the wall while he waited for the rest of the class to finish. As he waited, Nico fiddled with a rip in his jeans.

He half absently half focused his attention on Will who was still working.

His mind turned, as it often did, to his own patheticness. What had been that flash earlier? Why hadn’t he done it? Why was it so hard to just go up to the boy he liked and say _“I like you.”_? Why did he feel so bad about it after. His thought began to go backwards bringing up other, embarrassing memories. 

Nico was fully aware that he should have no reason to be feeling sad and I made him angry with himself, but the slide show of failures in his mind made it hard to believe that. What was wrong with him? Everyone else was able to function normally. Why not him? None of them experienced waves of sadness like this. None of their judgement was impaired like this. 

"Nico," he heard Will's voice say above him. He looked up to see his curly, blonde head, a worried expression on his face.

"What?" Nico whispered, jolted back to reality, and aware other people were still taking the test.

Will sat down next to him and took hold of his left hand. Only then did Nico realize that he had been digging his nails into his skin though the rip in his jeans. As he watched, little, red lines appeared in his skin. They were tiny, very shallow, but they were surrounded by a purple ring of bruised skin.

Nico closed his eyes and exhaled, disappointed with himself.

"You can let go now," he whispered to Will who was still holding his hand in his.

"Uh, no. It's ok," Will said, not only not letting go of Nico's hand, but interlocking his fingers with his. 

He focused his eyes on Will's hand, and felt ashamed that he couldn't make it through a day by himself. That when he wanted to talk he couldn't and that he broke down at the worst time. Nico felt something snap within him, but he stubbornly refused to admit it. He tried to push the myriad emotions away, only succeeding partly.

"I don't need your help," he managed in a tight voice.

"Hmm," Will hummed looking forward. "Ok."

"I don't."

"I said "ok"."

Will still didn't let go. Nico couldn't tell if he was angrier with himself for getting himself into this mess in the first place, or the fact that he was doing nothing to get out of it. He could very easily just get up and walk away. His eyes suddenly felt very wet and he angrily rubbed at them with his other hand.

"People are going to make fun of us now, you know that, right?" Nico said after a few minutes of silence.

Will shrugged.

"Who? Jason?"

Nico shook his head. He couldn't imagine Jason caring.

"Piper?"

"No."

"Then I don't care," Will concluded. "Besides, not everyone is as hypersensitive as you. Well, speak of the devil. Hey Jason."

Nico looked up to find the bespectacled boy in question standing in front of them.

"Hey, guys," he said sitting down on the other side of Will. "Do you have Blofis?"

Will shook his head.

Jason groaned. 

"He keeps scheduling all his tests the day before my games. I don’t have time for practice and tests at once. I swear he's doing it on purpose."

Will laughed. 

"I imagine they have meetings like that. Hmm," he mimicked a much deeper voice. "What will cause students the most pain? I know let's all have all of our tests on the same day! They’re bitter,” he added in his normal voice.

Jason groaned.

"You could always do what Nico does and forget about tests until they're happening," Will offered.

Jason laughed. 

"I think that's what Leo does."

" _Where_ is Leo?" Will asked. "I never see him around anymore."

"He has a new girlfriend," Jason answered. "He's hanging out with her a lot."

Will shook his head sadly. 

"He shouldn't forget about us like that. We're gonna have to invite him over sometime just to make sure he hasn't died."

The walk down the hall with Will was silent. The crowds of student were so thick on either side of them that Nico couldn’t even see the windows. Despite how many people were around him, Nico still felt alone. His eyes traveled over groups of friends, couples kissing, even the teachers walked together.

"…ok not be ok…"

Nico's ears picked up. Will was looking at him. He had stopped walking and now stood at the entrance to the B hallway.

Nico felt his throat let out a small whimper and he buried his face Will's shoulder. He felt Will's arm wrap around him and rest around his shoulders. He felt his body shift so that Will could hold him easier.

Just for a short time, Nico let himself be "not ok". He let himself be comforted.

"Sorry," he muttered into Will's chest.

"It's ok."

"Thank you."

"Hey, what are friends for?"

Nico felt himself deflate a little.

"Yeah…"

* * *

As Nico approached the library the next week, he was surprised to see a sign on the door. It read: _The Library will be closed through 3/6-3/13 for guest speakers. It will open again on 3/14._

"Fantastic," Nico muttered under his breath. Now what was he supposed to do for a whole week? Today was Wednesday. That meant this was Nico's last day in the library before it shut down. He supposed he could play Chris one of those days. But really. What the hell was he going to do with all of the other ones? Just sit in the lunchroom and stare at the walls?

Nico sunk down into his place in the library.

He was painfully aware of a certain curly haired student and he shared the same lunch period. However, Will already had a table full of other people he sat with. He and Will might be friends, but that didn't mean Nico knew any of the other students. They wouldn't appreciate a creepy stranger hanging around them.

Nico picked up a book, and tried to read it, but _The Encyclopedia of Dreams_ wasn't nearly as interesting as it had been yesterday.

When Nico got the gym class, Will was already there.

"You're early," Nico commented as he sat down.

Will nodded. 

"Ok, so I was thinking…" he trailed off, seemingly lost in thought at the moment.

"Don't hurt yourself,” Nico cut in.

Will frowned slightly before continuing.

"I had this idea for a story."

"Are there dragons in it?" Nico asked. Previously, Will had shown him some of his stories and they all seemed to revolve around the creatures.

"Sadly no," Will replied. "I made it up a while ago, but I don't know if it's any good."

"Ok. Run it by me."

"It's kinda of this personal story about a guy who lost his dad."

"Oh," Nico said. He wasn't sure if he liked where this was going.

"I'm thinking I might do it for my end of the year film project. I'd have to re-write it," Will said. "It's going to take a while to film, so I really should start thinking about it now."

"Finals aren't until May," Nico reminded him. "It's March."

Will shrugged. "I have to write the junior research paper. I don't have a lot of time. Anyways!" he cut himself off and smiled at Nico. "How are you?"

"Good."

There was a silence. Now would be the time to ask him if he could join him at his table tomorrow. He opened his mouth, but shut it again. He couldn't do it.

"So, I leave this weekend," Will said. "Any chance you've changed your mind?"

"For the antidrug thing?"

"Yeah."

Nico shook his head. 

"Sorry, no."

"Next year," Will mumbled to himself. "Next year you'll say yes."

* * *

The next afternoon, Nico made his way from art class down to the lunchroom, a large piece of drywall in his hands. On the drywall was stapled a sheet of stretched a piece of watercolor paper and on that was a rough sketch of cupped hands. In them, a pomegranate tree stretched past an underground cavern, a wheat field, and finally a hill covered in flowers. His art teacher had shared Will's mentality and assigned the classes' final project in the beginning of March.

Nico found an empty table by one of the walls and put the piece on the table next to him. He dug a pencil out of his backpack and began idly sketching on his piece some more, not really drawing any more detail in particular. 

"What are you doing?"

Nico heard a familiar voice behind him. He turned to find Will standing a few paces behind him.

Nico shrugged. "Final project."

Will dropped into the seat next to him and studied the piece of drywall.

"What is it?"

"It's a pomegranate tree," Nico said, slightly offended that Will couldn't see it. "See," he said tracing the lines he'd drawn with his index finger. "Here are the branches. And this is going to be where I put on leaves. That's the trunk-"

"Huh," Will said, apparently pondering the piece. "Well it looks cool. I didn't know you could draw."

Nico shook his head. 

"I can't. I just take art classes."

"So, what are you doing here?" Will asked. "I never see you."

"The library's closed," Nico remarked flatly.

"Are you hungry?" Will asked, noticing that Nico's project was the only thing he'd brought with him.

"No."

"Lonely?"

"Not really."

That was a lie.

"Well, if you want to come sit with us…" Will trailed off. "I feel bad watching you sit there alone."

"Thanks," Nico said. "But your friends don't know me. I'm fine here."

Will snorted.

"Bullshit. They don't care. Come on."

Will's friends turned out to be a tall, black boy named Austin and a freckled girl named Kayla who'd dyed the tips of her red hair green. It reminded Nico of Christmas and he was tempted to tell her the holiday had ended months ago.

They both seemed agreeable as Will introduced them and Kayla immediately pulled up her phone and showed whatever was on it to Austin who laughed. Will fell into conversation with the two of them, but it was so full of what must have been inside jokes, Nico could hardly keep up. As near as he could figure, they were all in Band. That was about it.

"No," Will said, shaking his head around animatedly. "If Cecil didn't go around getting himself locked in the storage closet, then I wouldn't be in trouble."

"He wasn't in there at the time!" Austin protested. "And even if he was! You can't just break off the lock."

"Fuck you, man. I'll do what I like," Will said laughing. “Everyone knew that lock was on its last legs anyway. Really everyone should be thanking me because we’re going to get a new one now.”

Austin shook his head.

“Or we’ll have nothing for the rest of the year. You're seriously taking this?" he asked Kayla.

"Nah," she said. "Will could have come up with such a better excuse. Cecil would have found a way out."

Will scowled. "What else was I supposed to do?"

"Go home without your jacket."

"Find a teacher with a key?" Nico suggested.

"Stay out of it, you," Will said turning on him and shaking his finger disapprovingly. He turned back to Austin and Kayla. "Oh before I forget: Nico's not going to tell you anything, so he's a sophomore, we met in gym class, he doesn't talk much and most of it is sarcastic, he's freakishly strong, so send all jars to this guy.” Will dropped his voice to a stage whisper. “I’m also pretty sure he’s engaged."

"What?" Nico asked, sitting bolt upright. He felt his face getting hot. "I'm not engaged! Why-"

"Calm down," Will said, putting his hand on Nico's shoulder. "It's just a joke. You wear that ring every day," he added.

"It's not an engagement ring."

"What is it then?"

"My sister gave it to me.”

"Hazel," Will said.

Nico shook his head.

"No. My other sister.”

“What grade is she in?” Will asked, excited. “Maybe I’ve met her.”

Nico shook his head. 

“You haven’t.” 

“Oh, come on,” Will insisted. “I bet I have. Does she look like you?” 

Nico wasn’t sure what Bianca would have looked like if he had still been alive. He had a hard time remembering what she used to look like. The more time passed, the more and more that Nico felt like he was only remembering her picture. He realized, with a sinking feeling, that he was much older now than she had ever been.

“She died,” Nico found himself saying flatly. “You don’t know her.” 

Will's face fell. Nico could see shock in his eyes.

"Shit. I'm sorry. I didn't know." 

His voice sounded panicked.

"It's fine," Nico said. "I know you didn't. It was a long time ago."

He glanced at Austin and Kayla. Their smiles had both faded and they were looking down. The atmosphere at the table had dropped to very subdued. Nico's fingernails dug into the palms of his hands. This was not the first impression he wanted to make. 

Beside him, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Will's hand twitch. Nico forced his hands open in an odd, jerky motion under that table.

Conversation resumed again, but it was more formal that it had been a few minutes ago. At some point in the conversation, Will's hand found Nico's and he didn't protest. It felt like a lifeline, keeping him in the moment, refusing to let his thoughts wander back to the past.


	8. 8

"Nico!" Will called loudly, and rather unnecessarily as Nico sat down across from him at the lunch table.

"Hi," Nico blinked, startled before replying "How was your thing?"

Will's eyes shone with excitement and he began rambling about his weekend.

"What have you done?" Austin moaned as he dropped into the seat next to Nico.

"I just asked him how his weekend was-"

"Never ask Will about his retreats," Austin cut him off. "He's gonna talk your ear off for the next week."

He gestured to Will who had switched his focus on Kayla without missing a beat. She also looked like she wasn’t enjoying the conversation. Austin sighed loudly, unwrapped his sandwich, and started eating his lunch. 

“I don’t get why he likes the things so much,” Austin said. “They seem miserable.” 

“Yeah,” Nico agreed. “He tried to get me to come with him.” 

“Man, if everyone cared about mental health like Will, we’d all be psychiatrists,” Austin pulled a face. Nico guessed it wasn’t a high priority of his. 

Will eventually turned his attention from Kayla back to Nico.

"…and then did this skit. Oh my God," Will continued. "It was incredible. Everyone there always cries at the end of the skits and then we always go and talk about it. Oh, yeah."

He pulled something out of his bag. It looked like a red and green piece of yarn.

"I brought you something. Hold out your hand," he said to Nico.

"What?" Nico asked, confused.

"Just do it."

Not quite sure what was going on, Nico extended his right hand.

"Everyone has necklaces we do this on," Will explained. "But you obviously don't."

He took hold of Nico's hand and wrapped the piece of yarn on his index finger.

"Nico, I present you with this gift," Will said as he began tying a knot in the knot. "You've become one of my best friends, and I've really grown to care about you over the months."

Nico would have given anything to vaporize on the spot. He was sure that his face could burn someone. 

"I…"

"Sorry if that was weird," Will said, picking up his sandwich. "You're supposed to say nice things as you tie the yarn on their necklace. It's meant to symbolize your love for them."

Nico's heart pounded in his ears. His eyes flicked around the table and the table and he noticed that he seemed to be the only one of Will's friends to receive a piece of yarn.

"What do I do with it?" he finally asked.

Will shrugged.

"I don't care. Throw it out. It's only supposed to be a thing for as long as I talk to you."

Nico found the rest of the day much easier to get though. Somehow the piece of yarn seemed to give off a heat of its own, warming his cold hand, circling and cushioning him in a soft layer of fuzz. 

* * *

"You ready?" Will asked.

Nico nodded, bouncing slightly on the balls of his bare feet.

The day to take the physical part of the self-defense class had come. Coach Hedge had made a big deal out of an online study guide that everyone should read before taking the test, but it was gym class. Nico was not going to put in one minute of outside study.

"Di Angelo, Grace," he paused.

Nico, Will, Jason, and Piper shuffled off to the side of the gym in front of what they hoped would be a benevolent god. Nico took his spot on the floor as instructed and waited with Will in front of him for Coach Hedge's instructions.

"Close your eyes."

"What?" Nico asked. His dark eyes swiveled around the room as if he had been asked to jump into a pit of snakes. They focused on Will.

"I don't want to."

"Do it, cupcake."

Nico reluctantly shut his eyes, feeling the ground sway slightly below him. The silence stretched on and Nico felt his eyes twitch under his lids. What was going on?

Suddenly, Nico felt a pair of arms close around him from behind, pinning his arms. Nico wasn't sure if he was supposed to open his eyes or not, so he kept them closed as he struggled in the arms that held him. Whoever it was strong, but as Nico twisted violently, he felt the other person overbalance and Nico dropped to the ground, carried by the weight of the other person.

Nico opened his eyes. He was curled on the ground, with Will, because of course it was Will, lying spread-eagled on top of him, his hands still firmly clamped around Nico's back. He was laughing. Nico quickly found his hands, broke the grip, and stood up.

He offered a hand to Will, who took it and stood up.

Coach Hedge walked over to Nico.

"You let your attacker bring you to the ground. However, you did manage to get away. Keep practicing."

Nico nodded. He and Will went to the side of the wall to watch Jason and Piper’s test. Jason did everything perfectly. During Piper’s test, in confusion, and with her eyes shut, she homewhow elbowed Jason hard in the face. There was a sickening crack and Jason crumpled to the ground. 

“Oh my god!” Piper exclaimed, rushing to Jason’s side. “I’m so sorry. Are you ok? Jason?” 

Jason made a small, pained sound. He sat up. His nose was bleeding. His eyes were unfocused behind his glasses. He looked like he’d been knocked unconscious for a second. 

Coach Hedge was looking at Piper with wonder in his eyes. 

“He’s the enemy! Don’t show mercy now! You’re doing great, kid!” he said, writing something down on his clipboard that looked suspiciously like a one hundred. “What an athlete…” 

Jason staggered off to sit against the wall for the rest of the class. 

No serious damage had been done because he was in gym the very next day, acting like none of it had happened.

“This list is too long,” Will complained as he and Nico sat against the wall, watching Jason from several feet away. 

Nico looked over his shoulder to see just what exactly he was talking about and groaned. 

“No, no.”

“Yes!” 

“I thought it was a joke.” 

“This is no laughing matter.” 

“Who’s laughing? Does this look like the face of happiness?” 

“Oh come on, man,” Will protested. “You have to.” 

“I’ll do no such thing,” Nico countered. 

“But _Mean Girls_ is a classic!” 

Nico frowned. 

“But I don’t want to.” 

Will sighed and put his phone back in his pocket. 

“Hedge is coming,” he said standing up and holding his hand out for Nico. 

Nico took his hand. He felt a rush that couldn’t possibly be from standing up alone. He felt as if he’d left his stomach somewhere several feet below him. Nico knew he could protest all he liked, but he was finding it harder and harder not to imagine an alternate universe where he and Will were dating. And extremely happy. 

“Alright fine,” he muttered. “But this is the only time I’m watching it.” 

“Yay! I’ll pick you up at, like, five or something.” 

“Today?” 

Will shrugged. 

“Yeah. You doing anything?” 

Nico made a small sound as he exhaled. 

“Do I ever?” 

Nico walked over to Jason and sat down in front of him. 

“Hey.”

“Hi.” 

“Dude, save all your homework,” Jason said almost absentmindedly. 

Nico frowned, a little confused. 

“Um, ok.” 

“Leo always holds a party--well, technically he doesn’t,” Jason cut himself off. “He lives in an apartment with his mom so he can’t, but every summer he gets one of his friends to host.” 

“Ok,” said Nico who barely thought about next week let alone months in advance. 

“So we all get together and burn our homework,” Jason finished. 

“That’s great for you,” Nico told him. “But I fail to see how I factor in.” 

Nico had never so much as met Leo. He doubted he’d be invited. 

“Well, you don’t have to come if you don’t want to,” Jason replied. “But Will’s going to want to bring you.” 

Nico felt himself tense up a little. He didn’t like what Jason was implying. 

“I mean, me and Pipes go every year, since elementary school, and of course Leo has a lot of other friends. Last year, Will brought Austin and Kayla and they’re probably coming back this year. Kinda the more people the better.” 

“Ok, I’ll keep it in mind,” said Nico. 

He was intent on forgetting it as soon as possible. 

* * *

Nico was in his room when Mrs. O’leary began barking wildly. Guessing who it was, Nico climbed down the stairs. 

“Hey,” he said, opening the door. He had one hand on the dog’s collar and was very nearly pulled out the door as she strained to meet this new person.

“Oh my god,” Nico muttered through gritted teeth as he struggled to restrain Mrs. O’leary. “Stick to texting me.” 

“Oh my god! Is this her?” Will said in form of reply, dropping to his knees and holding out his hand. “She’s so big! When you said you had a dog I was thinking, like, fifty pounds, not this.”

Nico let go of her collar and Mrs. O’leary bounded forward. Even though he was on his knees, Will was still almost knocked over as Mrs. O’leary collided with him and began licking his face.

“Aww, what a big girl!” Will told her as he began petting her.

Nico hung back in the doorway, leaning against the frame.

“So, how are you since I saw you last?” he asked, awkwardly after a few seconds.

“Since two hours ago? Good,” Will said, clambering to his feet. He tried to shake the dog hair off of him, but it clung to his clothes. “So, is this why you wear all black?” 

Nico shook his head. 

“Not really.”

“Anyway,” Will said. “Let’s go.”

They left Mrs. O’leary to watch them from the window. It turned out that Will’s house was only about ten minutes away from Nico’s. The neighborhood looked a lot less nice than Nico’s but he decided he liked it more. The houses in Nico’s neighborhood were imposing and loomed over the residents, casting an ever present shadow over them. The yards were meticulously trimmed. Nico had always thought his neighborhood was for looking, not actually doing anything in. The houses on Will’s street were brightly colored. They felt like real people lived in them.

Will’s house was very much the same as his neighborhood. It was neat, but not extravagant. The door was red, which seemed so fitting Nico smiled. 

The first thing Nico saw upon entering was a grand piano shoved into the entryway. He was a little taken aback until he remembered Will had told him that his mom was a professional musician. He wondered if Will could play as well. 

Will had kicked off his shoes and walked down a hallway. Nico followed him noticing that it was lined with photos. Most of them were of Will. Some were school photos. Others must have been taken by his parents, but Nico couldn’t find either of them in any of the photos. There was one of what must have been Will’s mother, holding a much younger Will in her arms, but her head was cut off by the frame. It was strange, Nico decided. 

He found Will rummaging through a box of DVDs in what Nico decided was his living room. 

“Is that him?” Nico asked, pointing to a fish tank in the corner of the room. 

Will looked up and laughed. 

“Yeah, that’s Bro.” 

Inside of the tank was a tiny black goldfish. He swam through the water, weaving his way around the plants, and Nico contented himself with watching the fish until Will found what he was looking for. 

“I still don’t know how I feel about this,” Nico said taking the DVD cover extended to him and flipping it over. 

“Are you hungry?” 

“No.” 

“Well, I am. I’m going to get something. You can go up to my room and set up the Xbox.” 

“Ok,” Nico said, never having so much as touched an Xbox before. He wasn’t really sure why, but his dad was firmly against video games. Computer games were fine, but as soon as something required a console he would flat out refuse. He didn’t want his kids staring at a screen for eight hours a day. It didn’t make any sense Nico realized looking back on his dad’s line of reasoning. Still he didn’t really mind. He stuck to _Magic_ for most of his entertainment. 

“Third door,” Will said before heading off down the hallway. 

Nico climbed the stairs and pushed Will’s door open. He almost sighed in relief. Will’s bedroom was possibly worse than his. Clothes were strewn over the floor, dresser, shelves, and seemingly but the hamper. Video game boxes were piled roughly in one corner. Some were open and clearly empty. There was something that looked kind of like a sort of arm guard laying on the ground next to something long and curved hidden by a pile of clothing. There was a desk with a computer and several books worth of papers on it along with something that looked like plastic feathers. A poster of a mountain range at night was behind Will’s bed. On closer inspection the poster said “Zelda” at the bottom. 

Nico located the Xbox next to Will’s bed. After putting the DVD in, he looked around for a controller to turn it on, but couldn’t find it anywhere. 

Luckily, he was saved anymore searching by Will walking into the room. 

“Do you know you have drumsticks on the floor?” Nico asked. 

“Marimba mallets,” Will corrected distractedly as he put a green, plastic bowl of pretzels on his bed. His eyes scanned the room before he shook his head and knelt next to his bed. Nico watched as he stuck his hand under it and, after a few seconds, pulled out his controller. 

Will sat down on his bed and turned on the monitor in front of it. Nico, still not quite sure why he was letting himself be subjected to such an inhuman form of torture, sat down next to him. 

The movie, honestly, wasn’t as bad as Nico had feared. It was kind of stupid, but it was very intentionally meant to be so. Nico’s attention slowly began to drift from the images on the screen to the boy sitting next to him. Will had eaten all the pretzels and was seemingly subconsciously holding the empty bowl to his chest. Before he could stop himself, Nico wished that he was the one being held. Then he realized that he was getting jealous of a plastic bowl. 

_“You’re an idiot,”_ he thought to himself. _“Just stop. Shut up.”_

Feeling suddenly very cold, Nico wrapped one of the loose blankets on the bed around his shoulders. His fingers curled into the fabric, tightening it around him, making himself smaller. It didn’t help with the cold. 

By the time the movie had ended, Nico’s arms and legs had grown stiff from sitting in the same position for too long. He knew he was being stupid, but he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t sure how to stay friends with someone he liked so much. At least with Percy, he only saw him at school. Actually being at Will’s house had thrown him off. There weren’t any easy escapes, no way to blend into a non-existent crowd. 

He threw off the blanket as soon as the credits started playing and stood up. 

Will looked up, surprised by the sudden movement. 

“What’s up?” he asked. 

“I should go,” Nico said, unable to come up with a good excuse. 

Will’s face fell. 

“Aww, already? Is your dad asking you to come back?” 

“Um, no,” Nico said. “But I should go anyway.” 

Will frowned. 

“I mean, ok. If you _really_ want to. Let me find my shoes.” 

He stood up too and walked past Nico on his way to the door. 

“Wait.” 

Will turned back. 

“Do you want me to stay?” 

“I mean, yeah. But it’s fine either way. It’s up to you, man.” 

It was the way he said it. Nico felt like Will had dropped his normal composure. His words were overly casual, like he was worried, but was trying to hide it. But there wasn’t anything wrong. And Will could just ask him if he wanted to know. He didn’t need to try to pry the information out of him.

Nico sighed and sat back down on the bed. 

“Stop treating me like that,” he said. “I’m not a kid.” 

He was sixteen. 

“What?” Will asked. He sounded annoyed. “Like I fucking care?” 

“Like you think I’ll blow up if you say the wrong thing.” 

Will crossed over to the bed and sat down next to Nico. Nico noticed that he kept several feet of space between them. He appreciated the gesture, and it made him feel worse for snapping at him. 

“I’m not,” Will insisted. “I’m just trying to...nevermind.”

The two of them sat in silence. 

"Look at me."

Nico glanced up for the smallest of moments.

"Do you want to know what I want to do when I grow up?" Will asked, his tone suddenly much softer.

"Become a musician," Nico guessed.

"No, I'm going to med school. I'm going to be a doctor," Will answered. "I'm going to help people. But I can't help them if they don't let me know what's going on in their lives."

"Yeah," Nico mumbled. "That makes sense."

"So you understand where I'm going with this?"

Nico nodded.

"So what's going on?"

Nico shook his head. 

"Nothing." 

His own voice sounded cold, even inside his own head. He had mentally shut down somewhere in the middle of the conversation. Nico knew from this point there would be no reasoning with him. He knew he'd walled himself off and he'd only give the shortest, more appropriate answer even if it was the exact opposite of what he really felt.

Will frowned. He exhaled loudly through his mouth and clasped his hands together before running them through his hair.

"Ok," he said wiping his hand over his own face. "Let's try that again. Where did I lose you?"

Nico cocked his head to the side slightly, making strands of hair fall into his field of vision. He brushed them away, absently with his hand.

"You didn't "lose" me anywhere," he said. "There's just nothing going on to tell you."

Will looked extremely unhappy.

"Why can't you tell me?" he asked. “I’m not going to make fun of you or anything.” 

Nico knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t tell Will the reason he was upset was because he wanted to ask him out but he couldn’t because he was too broken. 

Instead,Nico glared at him and said "Whatever you're trying isn't going to work. You're not going to be able to fix me. So, drop it…please."

Nico felt himself pulled forward into Will's chest. He felt Will's arm wrap around him and hold him with a strength Nico didn't know he had. His hair ruffled as Will whispered "I don't try to fix what isn't broken." into it. “You’re not broken.”

Nico's heat clenched at that. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the confusing mix of emotions swirling around in his head. He was angry at Will for prying into his life. He was sad for who knows what reason. He was lonely and yet at the same time, he felt extremely comforted and, well, safe. The fact that Will was trying so hard to understand what was in Nico's head and trying to help warmed Nico and made him endlessly happy, even if he didn't appreciate the actual help.

"Let me go," he whispered after a few more seconds.

Will pulled back to an arm's distance away.

Nico shook his head slightly, trying to clear his head with a physical action.

“Do you want to play a game or something?” Nico offered. Anything would be better than talking about his feelings.

Will’s face seemed to relax and he smiled. 

“Yeah, I’ve got _Smash_ set up downstairs,” he said. He began to look through the pile of games on his floor. 

“Can I help?” Nico asked. 

“Nah, I got it. Here.” 

Will tossed Nico another controller. 

“Ah, yes. This thing I totally know how to use.” 

Will laughed and refused to explain as Nico followed him downstairs to the living room.

“No, seriously,” Nico said. “How do I use this?” 

Nico was left to desperately flick though the buttons before managing to pick a character. 

“I’m not going to be any good at this... Oh my god. Will. Will! How do I jump? How do I jump!? I’m dying! Stop it! Stop!” 

Nico’s character had fallen off the edge of the screen and promptly exploded in a ray of light. Will began to laugh as Nico began to press all the buttons in rapid succession to limited success. After a while, Nico found himself laughing along with him. With every game, Nico found himself getting just a little bit better. By the end he almost always hit the button that corresponded to the action he wanted. He still wasn’t anywhere close to beating Will. 

“I used to play against the CPU all the time,” Will explained. “It’s what happens when you’re an asshole without any friends. I got really good at it.” 

Nico raised an eyebrow. 

“The game,” Will elaborated. “Not being an asshole. Although I did get better at that too. The two wern’t connected.” 

The eyebrow raised higher. 

“You know what? Shut up.” 

“I haven’t said anything,” Nico said, mocking surprise. “And I am shocked and offended.” 

Will hit him in the face with a pillow. 

By the time Nico left he was in much higher spirits. In the back of his mind, Nico knew that he was going to fall apart someday, but that didn’t seem as important anymore. It was if he had been carrying something heavy on his back. It had been there for so long, he’d grown accustomed to its weight, but it had been momentarily lifted. Nico felt it slowly returning as he opened his door and climbed the stairs to his room, the weight of it starting to crush him from the inside out.

He slammed his door closed and rushed into the bathroom instead. His eyes scanned the reflection in the mirror. The hair that he kept meaning to get cut. The thin limbs disappearing and swallowed in the folds of black cloth. The brown eyes, sharp, the only feature keeping him from thinking he was a corpse. 

His silver ring clinked against the ceramic, as he gripped the edge of the sink. 

“No,” he breathed. 

He imagined his reflection nodding. 

“I said I wanted to stop.” 

But Nico knew he couldn’t. He was in control of his own life about as much as he was controlling winter slowly shifting into spring.


	9. 9

Nico was halfway to the cafeteria when he paused. 

No, he decided. He didn't want to see anyone. He was too tired to talk to anyone. He felt incredibly cold despite the fact that he was still wearing his jacket. 

He turned and fought his way through the crowd converging on the cafeteria like many ants crowd onto a dropped piece of fruit. After several minutes of struggling, Nico made it to the library. Slinging his backpack to the ground, Nico’s feet soon followed, and he sank back against the wall, into the notch in the bookcases. The walls pressed against his shoulders on either side. Nico drew his legs to his chest. He closed his eyes, the world seemingly spinning around him. The tension he hadn’t realized he’d accumulated throughout the day began to lessen. It felt good to just be alone for a while where no one could see him. 

After a few minutes of sitting in such a way, Nico found a book to read on a shelf next to him,  _ The Five Stages of Grief _ . He knew he’d already read this one before. He didn’t much enjoy it, but he was compelled to read it again. 

Nico felt his backpack buzz. 

_ Will: Yo where u at  _

_ Will: R u sick _

Nico glanced at the messages and wanted nothing more to ignore them. He wanted to stay hidden. But he couldn’t.

_ Nico: No, I’m here. Give me a few minutes to get there. _

He put the book back on the shelf and left the library feeling rather stupid for being there for such a short time. 

“Where were you?” Will asked when Nico joined him, Austin, and Kayla. 

Nico ignored the question. 

Will was distracted from prodding further by Austin. 

“Hey, man, I need your shirt.” 

Will narrowed his eyes. 

“No.” 

Austin rolled his eyes. 

“I need it for Band.” 

“No. You can’t just justify everything with “I need it for Band”, you jackass.” 

Austin frowned. 

“I don’t need it today.” 

“Man, if you want another shirt, go fucking buy one.” 

“But we all need to look the same for the performance.” 

“Think about it, man,” Kayla cut in. “If you’re wearing Will’s shirt, what will  _ he _ wear?” 

“But I’m cheap,” Austin whined. 

Will threw up his hands in a “Not my problem” kind of gesture. 

“Besides, I know I never get anything you borrow back,” Will said. “You still owe me, like, what is it?” he asked Kayla. 

“I think the grand total is seventeen dollars.” 

“Exactly.” 

Austin frowned and crossed his arms. 

Nico rolled his eyes at the whole exchange. 

“Speaking of dumbasses,” Kayla said over Austin’s immediate protests. “Do you know any juniors or seniors I can go to prom with?” 

Nico shook his head while Austin merely looked confused. 

“Why do you want to go to prom? You’re a freshman.” 

“I want the dress.” 

Austin shook his head as well. 

“Don’t look at me.” 

She turned to Will. 

“What about you? You’re a junior.” 

He frowned. 

“I might be able to find someone for you.” 

“Why don’t I just, you know, go with you?” Kayla asked. “I thought you were going anyway.” 

“I...um,” Will began. “I might be going with someone else…” he stopped talking, seemingly embarrassed. 

Nico’s heart sank. He wondered who Will was talking about. Nico knew he had a lot of friends, most of them he had never met. It would be impossible to know it was. Nico wondered if it was a boy or a girl who Will might be taking to prom. 

“Who?” Kayla asked, asking the question Nico wished he could. 

Will looked from her to Nico for a second before turning back to Kayla, saying thoughtfully “I don’t know. I just don’t want to decide right now.” 

He left the lunch period feeling distinctly worse than he had entered it.

* * *

“I’m so tired,” Will complained. 

“Huh, that sucks.” 

“I don’t want to fucking do this,” Will continued sinking further down the wall until he was was half lying on the floor. 

“It’s not that bad,” Nico said, slightly exasperated. 

Silence. 

“So, um, how is  _ Skyrim _ ?” 

“I have an unhealthy addiction.” 

Apparently it was the wrong thing to say.

“Well, I’ve heard the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one.” 

“But it’s so good!” 

Nico rolled his eyes. It had been the thing to get Will talking though, and he spent the next few minutes telling Nico all about how his goal was do every quest, collect every item, and read every scroll. 

“But isn’t  _ Skyrim _ more or less a sandbox game?” 

“No. It’s open world.”

“What’s the difference?” 

“Sandbox you take control over. It’s like  _ Minecraft _ .” 

Nico wasn’t sure he followed. However, he was saved any sort of caring, or further thought on the subject, by Coach Hedge. He strode into the gym with his usual exuberance. His clipboard was in one hand, and in his other was his ever-present magazine. Something shiny hung around his neck, bouncing with every step.

“I think he’s added a whistle to his attire,” Nico commented as the coach passed him. 

Will groaned. 

“R.I.P. my ears.” 

“What do you think we’re doing?” Nico asked as he stood up and extended a hand to Will. “We finished our self defense exam weeks ago. We’ve just been playing Volleyball. I’m sick of it.” 

“Same.” Will nodded in agreement. “If Jason hits me one more fucking time with the ball, I’m walking out.” 

“We’re doing a research project,” Coach Hedge explained as soon as the class had settled down. “It’s going to be worth 20% of your grade. Silence, cupcakes!” he interjected over the class's various remonstrations. “Because we’re going to be doing this, we’re cutting relaxation day.” 

“But that's the whole reason I took this class,” Nico complained under his breath. 

“I’m not arguing this with you, Grace!” the coach said, glaring in Jason’s direction. “It’s non-negotiable. This will be a partner project.” He narrowed his eyes. “I’ll be able to tell if one person isn’t doing anything. So, you better both put in hard work. Now, I checked out laptops,” he pointed to a rolling cart in the corner of the room. “So I don’t want any excuses.” 

With that, the class scattered, breaking off into pairs.” 

“Any idea what this project is supposed to be about?” Will asked, slumping against the wall, then sliding down so that he wound up sitting next to Nico, who had just come back with a laptop. 

“No,” Nico answered, opening the laptop. 

“Check the website.” 

“We have a website?” 

Will nodded. 

“We have a  _ syllabus _ ?” Nico asked incredulously after a few clicks. 

“There,” Will said pointing at the screen. “We’re supposed to do an analysis on one of these things here.” 

It was a list of different exercise methods. 

“Which one do you want to do?” 

“I don’t care.” 

“Well, I don’t care either.” 

“You know what, we’ll just do the first one.” 

For such a short amount of time an hour was, it certainly did seem to pass very slowly. His chest burned angrily, and he felt slightly nauseous. The words on the screen swam on the screen, swapping places with each other. He was sitting uncomfortably on the hard, cold concrete floor researching a topic he did not actually care about, all with the looming fear hanging over his head that if he did badly it would fuck up his entire grade. Who fails P.E.? Spider man, Nico reminded himself. Who else fails P.E.? Nico. That’s who apparently. And why stop there? He was doing terribly in Horticulture. Why not fail that one as well? He was going to have to repeat the entire grade. 

Nico felt a slight pressure on his shoulder. It was so sudden, he jumped slightly. He felt his stomach drop. Nico could hear his heart pound in his ears. It was so loud he was certain that Will could hear it too. He tried to turn his head, but was hit in the face with a mass of curly hair. 

“Ummmm.” 

It wasn’t really a spoken modifier that would lead to any words, as much as the same syllable repeated over and over again. 

“Shit,” Will said, taking his head off Nico’s shoulder. “I’m tired. I forgot. Personal space.” 

“It’s ok,” Nico finally found his voice. “Just, um, warn me first.” 

Will raised his eyebrow. 

Nico narrowed his eyes. 

“Or not…” 

There was a beat of silence. 

“That was weird.” 

“That was weird.” 

“We are never doing that again.”

* * *

Nico knew something was off the minute he stepped through the door. Every day he was greeted by Mrs. O’leary, but today she was nowhere to be found. The strangeness continued as Nico progressed into his kitchen. Instead of the one backpack unceremoniously thrown on the floor, there were two. Instantly suspicious, and guessing who was in his house, Nico rounded the living room corner. Inside, he saw what had been more interesting to Mrs. O’leary than him. 

Frank, the baby faced semi-stranger, was sitting on the floor at an odd angle, making Nico suspect he had fallen there. Around him were Mrs. O'leary, all too interested in the new guest. Hazel was holding a dog toy, and seemed to be trying to convince Mrs. O'leary to come over to her. 

“Nico,” she called. “Get her to leave us alone. We’re trying to play Monopoly.” 

“A board game? Is the internet broken?” Nico mused. 

Hazel frowned and puffed her breath out her mouth in an annoyed sort of gesture. 

“We can still appreciate board games.” 

“Ok, have fun with that,” Nico. He turned to go upstairs. 

“Wait,” Hazel protested. “We can’t play with two people. Come back!” 

Nico, now resigned, slowly made his way back. 

“I declare, this is simply unfair,” Hazel said an hour and a half later. “You’re supposed to trade with people, Nico.” 

Nico looked at the randomly colored stack of cards in front of him. 

“I see no reason to.” 

“But you’re not really playing the game,” Frank answered. 

“I am.” 

“Nico, you’re trying to collect one every color, Hazel said, exasperated.

“I can’t help if my priorities are different than yours,” Nico said, ignoring his sister. “Now silence. I still need a purple one. They’re not even worth that much. You could trade me. I’ve got two yellows.” 

“I don’t understand why you asked him to play with us if he does this every time,” Frank whispered. “Why do you even want one of every color?” he added in a louder voice. 

“To get the rainbow.” 

“Why?”

“Because,” Nico said. “I’m really gay.” 

Nico was eventually beaten and bankrupted by Hazel, but he hung around until the end of the game. Nico found himself more interested in Frank’s life than he thought he would be. He was born into a military family and, because of it, was constantly moving around. 

“I was actually born in Canada,” he explained. 

“So, when did you move here?” Nico asked. 

“At the beginning of the year. Not from Canada. My credits were all a mess. Some of them didn’t even transfer, so I’m taking some classes again.” 

“Wait,  _ again _ ?” Nico asked. He furrowed his brow. “How old are you?” 

“Seventeen.”

He was as old as Will. 

“Hazel!” Nico exclaimed. He hadn’t even thought of the possibility that he was so much older than her. “I am shocked and appalled with your tastes!” 

Hazel blushed and tried to hide her face behind the cards. 

Frank suddenly looked very uncomfortable. He shifted in his seat and really looked like he’d rather be anywhere else. 

“Well, at least I’m not sad and lonely all the time,” Hazel replied, still trying, and failing, to stop her cheeks from reddening. 

“Ah! You offend me.” Nico exclaimed. He put his hand over his heart as if he had been mortally wounded. “I prefer to be alone. Silence never says anything stupid.” 

Hazel laughed. She turned back to Frank. He was still sitting, looking like he was trying to take up as little space as possible. His eyes traveled from Hazel to Nico, bewildered. 

“This is why I’m an only child…” he decided. 

* * *

“I can’t get the eye to look right,” Lacy from second period drawing class complained to her neighbor, Mitchell. 

“Let me see,” he said, dragging the paper closer to him. 

“What do I do?” Lacy whined. 

Mitchell stared at the page for a few seconds, before shrugging and passing it back to her. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Help me. It’s due in a few weeks. I can’t turn this in. It’s horrible.” 

Mitchell shrugged. 

“Maybe it’s too dark,” he suggested.. 

Nico watched as Mitchell stood up and stood about five feet away from the project. Stared at if for a few seconds, before he moved to stand next to Lacy. She was frowning at the picture. Nico snuck a look at the picture too. It looked like some abstract piece with seemingly random images and shapes thrown into it. 

“Yeah,” Mitchell decided. “It’s all too dark. You don’t have any contrast. If you just lighten up these areas,” he pointed to the bottom corner of the eye “It should help you.” 

“Thanks,” Lacy said. “I’m going to get the electric eraser.” 

“Yeah,” Mitchell agreed. “It’s a lot faster.”

Lacy walked off murmuring something about adding a catch light. 

Nico turned back to his own project. The table he was working on was a total mess. Every day, he got out the water colored and spent the first ten minutes of class mixing colors, and by the time he finished, it looked like a tornado had come through.. Pens and brushes were scattered across the table. Paper towels sat scrunched like confetti. Scrap paper was streaked with a rainbow of test colors, and reference pictures were shoved awkwardly off to the side and propped up with textbooks. 

Nic sat down and picked up a brush, trying to remember specifically what he had been working on. 

He phone buzzed. 

_ Will: Wanna b in my short film  _

_ Nico: When is it?  _

_ Will: Soon  _

_ Will: U know Kayla  _

_ Will: She said shed help  _

_ Will: I need a guy  _

_ Nico: Ok, why not.  _

_ Will: Awesome! im gonna get the script approved and ill send it to u asap  _

_ Will: Ever acted? _

_ Nico: Not really.  _

_ Will: Thats ok  _

_ Will: Just do what I say _

_ Nico: That’s a bit demanding.  _

_ Will: lol its how it works in film  _

_ Will: Thx _

_ Nico: Yeah, anytime.  _

“What’s so funny?” Lacy asked. 

Nico jumped slightly. He hadn’t even noticed the whir of the eraser stop. 

“What?” 

“You’re smiling.” 

Nico immediately frowned. 

“I am not.” 

“Who were you talking to?” 

There was nothing intrusive about how she asked it. 

“It’s just my director,” Nico answered. It sounded strange to call Will a his “director”, kind of like he was his boss or something. “He’s going to send me a script for a short film he’s working on.” 

Lacy’s face lit up. 

“Ooh,” she said excitedly. “Do you know about what?” 

Nico shook his head. 

“Not yet.”

“That’s really cool!” Lacy decided. “I didn't know you could act. Because I’m in a theater class...” 

Nico slowly lost interest in her story until it became background noise. 

* * *

The days drug on at an agonizingly slow pace, and yet Nico found himself somehow never having any time for anything. 

Nico’s final assignment in Horticulture was assigned. He was to do 20 hours of plant related activities, write evaluations for each one, and make a final presentation explaining everything he’d done, what he’d “learned”, and what he was going to change in the future. Nico had thought that twenty hours really wasn’t too much in two months, until he realized that “hours” actually didn’t mean hours.

Mr. Brunner always asked “What did you learn in the second hour that you didn’t learn in the first.” 

And Nico, fixed by his piercing gaze, shrugged. 

“Nothing then,” he mumbled. 

“Then how can I count nothing?” 

“I’ll do something else.” 

Nico’s house became the best kept lawn in the neighborhood, and he hated every second of it. Perhaps it was because he was told he had to do it, perhaps he really just despised plants, but Nico started growing irrationally angry whenever he was around a large amount of plants. 

“Why are we here again?” Will asked, as he studied the large selection of perennial flowers. 

Nico scowled, his hands in his pockets next to him. 

“School.” 

“You know when you asked me to pick you up, I didn’t think we’d be,” Will gestured around him “In a...um, gardening store.” 

“Yeah, well, I need to plant these before it gets dark,” Nico decided. He picked up the nearest plant. It had small blue flowers. 

“What’s it called?” Will asked. 

“Hell if I know,” Nico relied. “It says part shade.” 

“The fuck does that mean?” 

“It needs three hours of direct light. Come on.” 

Nico walked down the next aisle, glancing around him. The rows were lined with trailing plants, crossing over each other and dangling to the ground. Other plants swung slightly in the light breeze above Nico in hanging baskets. It looked like a green sea, dotted here and there with bright reds and oranges and pastel pinks, blues, and yellows. Dark purple and white clouds hung above it. The whole place smelled like dirt mixed with all the various flowers. It wasn’t as bad as he had thought it would be. 

“I can stay if you want,” Will offered as the two boys arrived at Nico’s house. “I can help you with the garden.” 

Nico shook his head. 

“Thanks, but no.”

He would have ordinarily said yes, but the pressure from all the projects being piled on him was starting to crack him.On top of that, Nico had started feeling more pressure when he and Will were alone together. It was nerve wracking and he kept finding himself wondering if Will knew and was just ignoring the fat that Nico liked him. Nico couldn’t blame Will for it. Afterall, it wasn’t his fault. Nico had hoped that if he ignored his feelings, buried them, eventually they’d go away, but it hadn’t worked. If anything, they’d only gotten stronger. Nico kept finding more and more things to like about Will. His exaggerated reactions, the amount of stupid video game facts he knew, the jerky way he drove, not quite having mastered the wheel, how he never used punctuation while texting, his outright dismissal of rules as long as he deemed them unimportant, but mostly the positivity he seemed to approach every aspect of his life with. Nico had heard the phrase “opposites attract” but had never really believed it until now. 

As Will’s car disappeared down the road, Nico shook himself mentally, and physically with a slight head shake and went to find a shovel. 

_ “You need to stop,” _ Nico thought to himself as he plunged the blade of the shovel into the long empty flower bed in front of his house. 

_ “You’re weird,” _ Nico thought, not quite he was referring to himself in the second person. “ _ There’s a reason most people don’t want to even talk to you. Look at yourself. You look like a walking skeleton dressed like you’re at a funeral every day.”  _

Nico hit the ground with the shovel harder than was strictly necessary. The wind around him began to pick up. Nico’s hair whipped around his face and into his eyes. 

_ “You couldn’t act like a normal person if you tried.” _

It began to rain. 

_ “You can’t make it through high school. You know you can’t. You can’t even make it through a day without doing something to hurt yourself. Tell me, do you cut yourself to punish yourself or because you’re so broken you like how it feels?”  _

The rain began to soak through Nico’s hair and clothes. His digging became more erratic, splitting layers of the wet dirt away from each other. 

_ “Do you think Bianca would behave like this? Do you think she’d disappoint Dad the way you do? He’s gone all the time because you know he can’t bare to look at you anymore. He tried replacing Bianca so he’d have some reason to come home at all, but even that didn’t work.” _

Nico wasn’t digging anymore, instead swinging the blade of the shovel into the ground over and over again. 

_ “You should have been the one to die six years ago.”  _

The bottom of the hole turned into a muddy soup, sucking the blade of the shovel down every time it connected. 

_ “See, even now you can’t do anything like a normal person. You can’t care for yourself. How could you care for another person? You’ll wind up destroying his life, so let.” _

Crash. 

_ “Him.”  _

Crash. 

_ “Go.”  _

Nico threw down the shovel and let out a scream of frustration, loneliness, despair. It was lost in the crackling of the thunder. The branches swayed overhead, taunting him.

_ “Shut up. Shut up.”  _ Nico sunk to his knees as he quitted his mind, but there was no point arguing with it. It was just himself. Besides, there was no arguing with what was true. 


	10. 10

“How was your weekend?” Will asked as Nico sat down next to him the following Monday. 

Nico shuddered internally. He tried not to think of the blue plant now sitting in a muddy hole far too large for it.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Will frowned. 

“That bad, huh?” 

Nico nodded. 

“Well, it’s not all bad news. Here,” Will said proudly, shoving a packet of paper in front of Nico. “And here’s yours,” he said, placing another copy in front of Kayla who had just sat down. 

Nico thumbed through the pages. They were strangely spaced apart, so that only a few words were on each page. 

“What’s with your font?” he asked Will. 

Will rolled his eyes. 

“That’s how you’re supposed to do it. I wrote this on  _ Celtx _ . You’ll get used to it.” 

“It looks pretty short,” decided Kayla. “When are we doing this?” 

“I have to check out equipment,” Will told her. “But I want to start this weekend, or maybe Friday. Can you guys go through and, like, memorize your lines.” 

Nico looked through the script again. There were eight pages. He wasn’t sure how well he’d be able to memorize them, let alone act on top of all his homework.

“Don’t worry,” Will said, noticing his expression. “They don’t have to be perfect or anything. I can always read your lines to you off camera.” 

Austin, who had been reading Kayla’s version of the script, threw it down on the table. 

“This is the worst, cheesiest piece of writing I’ve read,” he decided. 

“That’s why you’re not in it,” Will replied casually. 

“No,” Austin disagreed. “The reason I’m not in it is because I was in one of your fall projects, and you promised me that you’d never ask me again.” 

“It wasn’t that bad.” 

“I was traumatized. You stuck eye drops in my eyes.” 

Austin pointed to his eyes, in an effort to accentuate his point. 

“I needed tears.” 

“You’re an asshole, you know that right?” Austin asked. 

“Always have been. Besides, I bought you ice cream afterwards,” Will said. 

“Will you buy us ice cream?” Kayla asked, suddenly interested. 

“Yeah, sure. After.”

* * *

It was raining that Friday. Nico looked through the glass doors as little pools formed in the cracks of the sidewalk. He turned away and faced Will and Kayla. The two of them were weighed down with film equipment. 

“We can’t go outside.” 

“Augh,” Will complained, frustrated. “We’ll have to do as much of the insides scenes as we can now. Damn it. Most of it’s outside.” 

From his pocket, he pulled out several crumpled pieces of paper and started muttering to himself.

Nico turned to Kayla. She shrugged and gestured in a kind of “I don’t know” kind of way. 

“Can I take this off?” she asked Will after a few seconds. 

“What?” Will said, confused. He saw the camera equipment. “Oh, yeah. We need a locker.” 

“Mine’s close,” Nico said. 

Nico soon found that setting everything up took a lot longer than any actual filming. They had to take everything out of the cases. The cables tumbled out and spilled across the floor. They were a disaster waiting to happen. It took a long time for Will to attach the camera to the stand and set it how he wanted. 

“You wanna be slate?” Will asked Nico, handing him a dry erase board. The top was a hinge so that the ends could be clapped together. 

“What’s it for?” Nico asked. 

“It’s to sync up the audio from the microphone,” Will explained. “It also has info we can write on it.” he pointed to the board. 

_ Title: Labyrinthine, Director: Will Solace, Camera: Will Solace, Date: April twenty second, Scene: 4A, Take: 1 _ was scrawled in Will’s handwriting.

“Ok,” Nico agreed, not really understanding. 

“And you just change the takes and scenes as we do them. It’s easy,” Will assured. 

The acting wasn’t as hard as Nico had thought it would be. It really was just a lot of repeating the same sentence over and over again as Will moved the camera around him and Kayla. If one of them messed up, everyone had to reset. It was kind of like all jumping at the same time and hoping those around you to catch you. 

The plot of the story seemed to be that Nico's character had lost his dad a few years before the start of the film. He met Kayla’s character who was having problems with her mom. Eventually, they helped each other through the experience. Also, maybe started dating. Will said he wanted to leave it open to interpretation. 

Nico started to get a strange sense of whiplash. The mood went from a very serious conversation between the characters to Kayla giggling and jumping around as soon as the take ended. Will seemed to follow the same pattern. 

“We’ll see if we can film outside tomorrow,” Will said as the three of them began to pack up all the equipment. “If not, we’ll do all the scenes at my house--Nico, you’re coiling the cable wrong. The earlier you can get there, the better. Same for Sunday. We’re going downtown even if it’s in the rain. You guys aren’t busy, right?” 

“No,” Kayla said. 

Nico shook his head, still trying to coil the cable correctly. 

“Cool,” Will said. “Actually, It's easier if you just spent the night Saturday. That way, I wouldn’t have to pick you both up. No offense, but neither of you can drive.” 

“Um,” Kayla looked very embarrassed. “I can’t tell my Dad I’m going to spend the night over with some boy who’s two years older than me. He’d kill me,” she paused for a second before thoughtfully adding “and you.” 

Will blushed. He looked equally embarrassed. 

“Ok, yeah. Sorry. My bad. I’ll pick you up. Nico?” 

Nico crossed his arms and put his chin in hand. “I don’t know,” he said in an overly concerned, voice. “My dad probably wouldn’t like me spending the night with some boy who’s a whole year older than me.” 

“Hey!” Kayla protested immediately. “Don’t mock me, asshole.” 

“Why would that bother hi--” Will started.

Nico raised an eyebrow.

“Ohhh,” Will said, realization dawning on him. “Ok, in my defense, you did not tell me you were gay.” 

“You didn’t ask.” 

“Why would I ask?” 

Nico shrugged. 

“Nah, my dad’s pretty cool. I’ll ask him,” he decided. 

“So you _ just  _ wanted to make fun of me then?” 

“Yeah, kind of,” Nico said.

The three of them stood in silence. 

“What?” Will asked. 

“We can’t drive and you made us miss the bus.”

Nico, upon entering his house, immediately knew Frank was there. There was a pair of boots far too big to be Hazel’s or Reyna’s and not fancy enough to be his dad’s sitting on the mat.

“You just live here now?” he asked casually as he strolled into the living room. 

Frank almost jumped out of his seat on the couch. 

“Nico!” Hazel scolded. She was sitting next to him. 

Nico looked around the room suspiciously. 

“What are you doing?” he asked. There wasn’t any sort of game out and the television wasn’t on. 

“Nothing,” Hazel and Frank both said quickly. 

Nico rolled his eyes. 

“Sure.” 

“So,” Hazel began, looking like she was searching for any reason to change the topic. “Where were you?” 

“School. I’m working on a film project,” Nico explained dropping into the seat next to Frank. He stiffened visibly, making Nico internally very satisfied. “We’re hoping we finish it by next weekend.” 

Hazel smiled. “You’re amassing quite the friend group.” 

Nico wasn’t quite sure how to respond. The internal satisfaction dissipated instantly, as he realized just how tense the room felt. It wasn’t fun to bother Frank anymore. He knew he had ruined a private moment for the two of them. They didn’t want him around anymore. He tried to tell himself it wasn’t important, but he knew he’d lost some part of his relationship with his sister, a part he knew he wasn’t ever going to get back. It was a stupid thought.

“Yeah, well,” he said, getting back up. It took every fiber of his body to say “I’ll leave you guys alone so you can go back to doing...nothing.”

* * *

“How did you get here?” Will asked the next morning. Nico stood in his doorway, a backpack swung over his shoulder. “I was picking you up.” 

“My dad dropped me off,” Nico explained. “He wanted to know where you live.” 

Will winced slightly. 

“That’s not creepy as hell.” 

Nico laughed. 

“Well, I had to get my fantastic social skills from somewhere.” 

“You’re right,” Will agreed. He seemed to notice the backpack. “So, you’re staying then?” 

Nico nodded. 

“Awesome,” Will said. “Just drop your shit anywhere. I’m leaving to get Kayla. Want to come?” 

“Ok.” 

The day went much more smoothly than before. They finished the scenes in Will’s house, packed up the car and drove into the city. Will had a specific storefront he wanted to film in front of. Filming outside the store was an awkward experience. Nico and Kayla now had the added bonus of people walking around behind them and pointing at the camera. Nico was sure that all his takes were going to be completely useless because they mostly consisted of him getting distracted by something off camera. Nico noticed Will was getting more and more stressed as the scene drug on. He had taken to pacing back and forth, even as the camera was rolling. As the sun went down Will looked at the crumpled pages which Nico assumed was a shot sheet. He ticked off a few sentences before putting the pages back in his pocket. 

“We’re done for today. It’s too dark,” he decided. “Ok, let’s go home.” 

“Is the scene done?” Kayla asked, timidly. 

Will shook his head, a scowl on his face. 

“We’re going to have to come back. Unless I can save it in editing. Can you guys remember what you’re wearing for next week?”

Nico and Kayla agreed, and so the equipment was repacked, and shoved hastily in the back of the minivan. Will climbed into the driver’s seat, but sat silently, leaning back, his arms hanging limply at his sides. 

“Fuck. I’m not good at this,” he said, his eyes still staring up at the ceiling. “Sorry, guys.” 

“It’s my fault,” Nico said. He wasn’t cut out for acting. He knew he was too self conscious for anything he did to look natural.

Will shook his head. 

“Nah, you’re both good. It’s me. I don’t know how to tell you what I want and it’s bothering me.” 

Will put a hand to his face for a second. Nico was worried he was going to stay like that forever. 

“Alright,” Will took his hand away from his face and straightened up. His whole expression had changed. It was like someone had injected him with new energy. “It’s done. I’ll do better next time. Let’s gooo!” he extended the last word as he turned the key in the ignition. The car radio started up, blasting the orchestral soundtrack, and Will started to hum along. 

Nico stole glances at him the whole way back. He seemed perfectly happy, like nothing had happened at all. He didn’t understand. His bad moods ate him up from inside. It seemed so bizarre that Will was just kind of over it.

Will dropped Kayla off at her house. 

“See you in the morning!” he called through the window.

She waved goodbye and then disappeared into her garage. 

“What time is it?” Will asked as the two of them opened the door to Will’s house. 

“Around eight thirty,” Nico answered, checking his phone. 

“Aw, shit,” Will said. “I should have gave her dinner. Did we eat lunch?” 

Nico shrugged. 

Will kicked off his shoes. 

“Ok, come here.” 

Nico followed Will to the kitchen. Will began to tear cabinets open, searching through them. Noticing the entire house was dark, Nico flipped the light switch on the wall. The kitchen lit up, standing out starkly against the rest of the dimmed house.

“Where is everyone?” he asked. 

“Don’t know. Don’t care,” Will replied. He sounded almost disgusted by his own words. 

“Is something wrong?” Nico asked, moving closer so that he was in the kitchen too. 

Will shook his head, then hid behind the freezer door. 

“My mom and dad aren’t really getting along right now,” Will’s voice came from the freezer. 

“Sorry,” Nico offered, sitting down at the table. 

Will’s head reemerged from the freezer. 

“It’s not your fault,” he said. He frowned, looking off to the side. There was nothing there. “Besides, it’s not a new thing. What do you want to eat?” 

It took a second for Nico to register that he’d been asked a question. 

“Oh, no,” he said. “I’m good.” 

Will frowned, his eyebrows creasing together. He took a step closer to Nico, and Nico unconsciously drew his arms closer to his chest.

“I’m going to make a pizza. Maybe you’ll be hungry then.” 

“Thank you,” Nico said. He knew he certainly wasn’t going to be. He felt bad about it, but the idea of eating anything made his stomach flinch and twist away in rejection. He was so hungry, but it was like he had a roadblock lodged somewhere between his brain and mouth. 

“Ok, it’s going to be a while,” Will said. “Mario Party?” 

Nico couldn’t help smiling and the next half an hour was enjoyable wasted. 

“This is how you lose friends,” Will commented the third time he beat Nico at a mini game. 

“Is it?” Nico asked, uninterested. 

Will grinned. 

“That's what I hear.” 

“Huh,” Nico remarked. “Well, you can continue beating me. I have no hopes of surpassing you in an evening. Besides,” he added. “I’m winning.” 

“How?” Will whined. 

“Because I love money,” Nico said. He gestured to the screen. 

“That makes no sense!” Will protested. “You just happen to have a lot of money. You’re just going to lose it all.” 

Nico squinted at the screen. 

“Well, the game says intent doesn’t matter, and I’m still winning.” 

In the end Will did end up winning. 

“You have minus one friend,” Nico decided. 

“I doubt it,” Will said. He stood up and held his hand. Nico took it and felt the familiar rush that happened every time. 

Nico had momentarily forgotten about the pizza, but soon found it facing him. 

“I’m still not hungry,” he said staring at the plate of food in front of him. “I mean, I appreciate it and everything but…” he trailed as Will sat down across from him. 

“Nico.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Shut up and eat.” 

“That’s fair.” 

Nico glanced from his plate to Will back to the plate. He couldn’t bring himself to pick up the piece of pizza, and so he wound up sitting motionless, stupidly staring at the table. Nico knew he was the unreasonable one. Logically he knew what he should be doing. What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just eat a meal without it being a power struggle. What was worse was that, as the guest, Nico felt extremely rude refusing form of hospitality. He felt like a bad person. It made it even harder to do something “nice” for himself. 

“Nico,” Will interrupted Nico’s internal monologue. “Please eat something.” 

Nico looked at him. His eyes were fixed on Nico’s face. The intensity of it was uncomfortable. He should be angry, but Nico didn’t feel any anger. He felt exposed, like he’d been put on display with no escape. It felt like Will’s eyes were looking through him and into his soul where they could see everything, somehow knowing what he thought. 

Nico slowly lifted his hands, placing them on the table. He saw Will’s eyes flick to them before coming back to rest on his face. Nico pushed the plate to the side and buried his head in his arms. He couldn’t take the pressure anymore. Nico wanted to get away from the staring. He wanted to be anywhere other than here. He was away from home with no way of getting back. The emptiness of the house engulfed him and the darkness from the windows seeped into the house and lay over him like a shroud. He felt so alone. He was unwanted. No matter where he went, he was always the problem. 

Nico felt a hand on his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry I upset you,” Will said from somewhere above him. “I was just trying to make you happier.”

Nico felt himself break again. He was so tired, not just physically, but mentally exhausted. He’d been yelling at his own brain for so long. He tried to blend into the shadows so that others wouldn’t have to look at him. He hadn’t given any thought to the idea that someone else might be trying to make him happy. 

The idea of a happy life made Nico lament all the years he had wasted, and for all the years he knew he was letting slip away from him now. He felt like he’d been barred off from all the parts that made life worth living.

Nico wasn’t able to stop himself as tears quickly formed and fell from his eyes. He felt his entire body start convulsing as his sobbing grew louder. It frustrated him that he couldn’t stop, which only made him cry harder. Nico felt his body half lifted out of his chair. His head was pried off of his arms, and he felt Will’s arm surround him. Nico felt his chin on the top of his head. His face was smashed against Will’s neck.

“It’s ok,” Will whispered into Nico’s hair. “It’s ok. It’s ok.” 

“It’s not!” Nico whimpered. 

“Ok, it’s not,” Will agreed. “But it  _ will _ be. You’re going to be ok.” 

“No, I’m not. I’m broken. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not normal--” 

Nico felt himself held closer. It was so comforting and made his heart beat faster.

“I keep telling you: you’re not broken. Pretend you believe me.” 

“What’s wrong with me?” he managed. 

“You have depression,” Will said, not missing a beat. 

Nico pulled his head away from Will’s neck and looked at him. Will was kneeling on the ground in front of him. Nico could feel his arms still resting against his shoulder blades, clasped behind his neck. He sunk out of his chair so that he was sitting right in front of Will on the kitchen floor.

“You don’t know that,” he said, wiping his eye with the palm of his hand. 

Will sighed. He shifted so he was sitting next to Nico and wrapped one of his arms over his shoulders. He stared off for a few seconds before looking back at Nico.

“When you don’t believe me, I feel sad because I feel like you don’t value yourself. And you should.” 

Nico tilted his head to the side, his brow furrowed. 

“What are you doing?” 

“I’m trying to use an I-statement,” Will said. 

Nico sighed. 

“And which book did you read it in? Which example am I?” he asked bitterly. He wondered if the only reason Will liked him was because he was a problem he hadn’t solved yet, like his whole life was simply a complicated math equation. 

“Fuck off. You don’t believe that,” Will said. Nico was momentarily shocked. He wondered if Will really could tell what he was thinking, but then realized he hadn’t exactly been subtle. “Nico, we’re all fucked up some of the time. It doesn’t mean we don’t get better.”

Will unwrapped his arm from Nico and stood up.

“Here, I’ll show you.” 

Will began looking through a drawer of pencils and paper clips. Nico hung back a few feet. Will pulled a pair of scissors out of the drawer.

“Alright, I’m all good,” Will said. “I’m just going to cut something off.” 

It was the woven bracelets, the ones Will hadn’t been able to take off in class. With a sharp snip they fell to the ground one at a time. Will ran a hand over his wrist. 

“You can’t see them most of the time. They’re really light, but it’s not the kind of thing I like advertising,” Will said. 

Nico remembered Will texting him once about how he had once been depressed, but he hadn’t really given it much thought, apart from the initial conversation. It was different to see physical proof. It made Nico feel worse. 

“I’m sorry,” Nico began, but he wasn’t sure what to say after. 

“It’s ok, but I’m trying to tell you you’re not alone.” Will ran his hand through his hair. “I’m not good at this, but I want to help you.” 

“Why?” 

Will shrugged.

“Because I like you. I don’t want to see you in pain.” 

Nico felt his face going red. 

“Bit of a mood killer, this whole conversation, really,” Will said.

“When have you had an uplifting conversation with me, though?” Nico asked. 

“Oh, all the time. You’re the only one who lets me go on about _ Skyrim _ . Most people tell me to shut up. And then they think I want to hear about their relationship drama.” 

“If you could work it into your dragon lore somehow, you’d listen,” Nico remarked. 

Will snorted.

“True. Come on, let’s go watch  _ Avatar _ . We’re going to work our way through the list tonight.” 

Nico couldn’t focus on the movie. He knew it was just meant to be a distraction, but it wasn’t working. In his own head, he kept going over the events of the night, wishing he could somehow recapture the comfort he’d felt when Will had hugged him.

A couple minutes passed. Nico looked over at Will. There was no way he was going to look worse than he already did. He might as well ask. 

Nico closed his eyes tightly. 

“Can I sit closer to you?” 

He opened his eyes and waited nervously. 

“Of course.” 

Will reached out his arms and drew Nico close to his chest. He rested his chin on top of Nico’s head. Nico, who had literally meant “I want to sit next to you”, caught his breath, making a small noise.

“You ok?” Will asked. 

Nico thought about it for a second. 

“Yeah,” he decided. 

He could hear Will’s heartbeat. He felt warmer than he had in months. The warmth extended to the room, making the darkness seem cozy, rather than empty.

He felt Will shift above him. 

“Hey, this is pretty gay,” Will whispered in his ear.

“I’m always pretty gay,” Nico said. He exhaled loudly and put his face in his hands. “What am I saying? I’m an idiot.” 

“Same,” Will agreed. “I’ll kiss you later.” 

Nico felt his heartbeat quicken. If ever there was a time to say it, it was now. He hadn’t imagined ever saying anything at all, not really, but when he did, it wasn’t in the dark after a breakdown. Not when all his emotions were mixed up in his head. It would be better to say nothing. Will didn’t really mean what he was saying.

But Nico never said anything, and he was miserable most of the time.

“Why not now?” he asked. His voice was so quiet he hardly could believe he said it at all.

Will remained silent for a few seconds.

When he spoke his voice was somber. 

“You’re too sad right now. I wouldn’t feel right about it.”

It was relief more than anything that washed over him. It wasn’t a rejection, more of a “not right now”. Will hadn’t been angry, accusing him of lying to him for months. Nothing bad had happened at all. Why had it taken him so long to say it? 

He focused his attention on Will’s heartbeat. The steady rhythm calmed the giddiness growing inside him. Nico eventually felt himself drifting off. __

_ “This might actually happen.” _ was his last thought before falling asleep. 


	11. 11

The first thing Nico realized was he wasn’t at home. He opened his eyes slowly and found himself staring at Will’s TV screen. It had been turned off and now was reflecting rays of sunshine from the open window. The next thing he noticed were the pair of arms resting loosely in his lap that definitely weren’t his. Nico tried to turn his head, but it knocked into Will’s chest. Twisting his head up, Nico managed to look at his face. Will was still sitting exactly where he had been last night, his head tilted slightly against the back of the couch. Nico blinked and stared at him for a few seconds before the events of last night came rushing back to him. Nico looked around the room, his eyes nervously scanning over everything. He didn’t see anyone. In fact, everything was exactly as it had been last night, almost like no one had come home that night. 

He refocused his eyes back to Will. He was still asleep. His hair was sticking up at several angles.

Were they dating now? Nico wasn’t sure. He knew what he had said the last night, and his heart fluttered as he remembered Will’s answer. But had it really meant anything? Nico was sure Will had said a lot of things to him just to make him feel better. Saying he would kiss him one day didn’t feel like one of them. That had to mean something. 

Nico wasn’t sure he would be able to ask again, not in the harsh light of day. Not when he was going to be stuck at Will’s house all day. What if, somehow, he’d read all the signs wrong, and Will rejected him. There would be no way to escape.

Nico pulled away, standing up, as if the gesture would sever their connection. Maybe they could both just pretend last night hadn’t happened...and Nico could go back to wishing for a relationship from a distance...fuck.

Will, awakened by the sudden movement, opened his eyes slowly. He rubbed one with the palm of his hand before noticing Nico. 

“Oh, hey,” he said, stretching his arms. Nico could hear the joints popping. “You been up long?” 

“No. I just woke up.” 

Will yawned and swung his legs up, curling into the couch. He seemed in no hurry to get up. 

“What time is it?” 

“I’m not sure.”

Will slowly uncurled and fumbled around looking for his phone. He found it on the table next to him. He pulled a face as the brightness from the screen shone into his eyes. 

“It’s, like, nine fourty five.” 

Will threw his phone back down. It landed on the floor and bounced on the carpet before landing off to the side. 

“Shouldn’t we get Kayla?” Nico asked. 

Will covered his face with his hand, trying to block out the sunlight. He nodded. 

“Soon.” 

“Ok...so, I’ll get dressed--” 

“Wait,” Will interrupted. Nico, who had taken a few steps towards the door, stopped and turned to face him. Will swung his legs back to the floor and stood up. “We have to talk.” 

Nico felt a pulse of nervous energy shoot through his body. It felt like he’d been electrocuted. 

“About?” he asked in what he hoped was a calm, even tone. He hoped it wasn’t going to be anything about their “relationship”. He didn’t want to hear Will say _ “Hey, I’m sorry, man. I didn’t know you felt that way about me.” _

“About last night,” Will answered. “Have you considered seeing someone about your depression?”

Nico felt a wave of relief wash over him. At least it wasn’t a rejection. He felt like he could handle Will poking at him about his mental state for, like, the fifth time.

“Because I don’t mind talking to you,” Will rambled on. “But I’m not really a professional. And, it’s not really healthy for you to, um, take me so seriously, I guess? I mean, I’m your friend. And you know, I’m good with listening to you and everything, but I don’t know what I’m doing, not really.” 

There it was. “I’m your friend”. It hadn’t meant anything. Nico tried to ignore the growing anger bubbling up inside of him. He reminded himself that this is what he wanted too. He’d just said he wanted to go back to normal. So why wasn’t he happy?

“No,” Nico said flatly. It was the best he could manage.

Will raised his eyebrows. 

“No?” 

“No, I haven’t considered seeing anyone.” 

Will exhaled sharply. He seemed slightly taken aback. 

“Well, would you consider it now?” 

And now Will was going on again about therapy. Why didn’t he understand this wasn’t something he could talk his way into? Everytime Nico gave him the same answer, and everytime he kept insisting. 

“I’m not going to consider it.” 

Will frowned. 

“Why not?” 

“Talk to a total stranger about my feelings,” Nico said. “Does that sound like something I’d do?”  _ “You’re not going to fix me this way,” _ Nico added in his head.

“But it could help you,” Will decided. 

He took a step closer to Nico. Nico took one back. Will noticed it, and his face fell. 

“Sorry,” Nico said. 

Will glared at him. 

There was a long silence in which Will’s glare dissipated. 

“Nico,” he began. 

There was another long silence. Nico studied his face. Will’s eyes were downcast. He looked like he was struggling with himself. 

“When was the last time you hurt yourself?” 

Nico shook his head violently from side to side. 

“No,” he said, taking another step back. 

Will looked up. 

“No, you won’t tell me?” 

“I won’t,” Nico agreed. 

Will looked thoroughly annoyed. He sighed and brushed past Nico. 

“I’m going to get Kayla,” he said. “We have a lot of filming to do today. You want to come?” 

“No.”

The door slammed, leaving Nico alone. 

* * *

Will’s words followed Nico, haunting him. No matter how hard he tried, Nico couldn’t get to stop bouncing around inside of his head. Will hadn’t said anything else to Nico other than direction for the project. Nico knew it was his fault. He shouldn't expect Will to be nice to him, especially when he wasn’t making any effort to do the same. 

Halfway through his art class, Nico had reached his breaking point. He was sick of overthinking the same conversation over and over again. He needed something, anything to distract himself. Just something to take his mind away for a little bit. 

He pushed his chair back and stood up from his seat. There was an art cabinet in the back of the room all students were able access for any project. Nico opened the doors and looked through the boxes. Graphite, erasers, brush pens, pallets. Nico shoved them all off to the side. There had to be something sharp in here. 

After a few seconds, he came across a box labeled “compasses”. They were little triangle shaped tools designed for drawing circles. One side had a pencil holder screwed onto it for drawing the lines. The other end was a sharp, pointed tip to keep the paper in place. That side looked like a mini javelin. Nico put his finger to the tip and felt a familiar sharp pressure press into his skin. Nico took the compass back to his table and slipped it into his backpack during the confusion of the bell. 

He walked past the library, trying to ignore the jostling on all sides from the kids around him. He found his feet were unconsciously carrying him to the lunch room. He immediately stopped, digging the soles of his feet into the carpeted floor, inwardly cursing himself for becoming so distracted. Glancing around, he spotted the bathroom sign.

Nico’s bag hit the ground as soon as he closed the stall door. 

He backed up as much as he could and stood staring at the door in front of him. Nico tried to steady his breathing as he waited for the rest of the boys to leave. He could feel his arms shaking slightly, tension building. He began to twist the skull ring on his finger. The seconds passed slowly. Nico was sure any minute someone would start pounding on the door. It never happened. Eventually, the room quieted. The only sounds were the fluorescent lights humming dully overhead.

Nico’s eyes closed, and only then, did he allow a sigh to escape his lips. 

He hung his aviator jacket over the top of the stall. 

Reaching into his backpack, his fingers closed around the compass. 

Nico brought it up to eye level. It looked so small. Strange, that something so small could control him so easily.

Nico tried running it along the back of his hand. It felt cold, impossibly smooth. There were no edges. He was going to have to stab himself. 

Nico rolled up his pants leg. He knew he’d never cut on his arms. It would have been too hard to hide. He looked down, the compass held loosely in his hand. He blinked a few times, trying to clear his head. 

_ “Stop thinking” _

Nico let his mind go. He swung the point of the compass into the leg, just below his kneecap. His leg involuntarily jerked back, stiffening. The compass jerked back with it, stuck in the skin. 

Nico let go of it and stared as it hung there. It didn’t hurt. There was no blood. His mind cleared, a mild curiosity remaining. Nico extended a finger and lightly touched the handle of the compass. A sharp pain immediately jolted through his body. 

Nico gasped, putting his hand on the wall to steady him. 

He looked back down. 

The compass was still there. 

What was he going to do? He couldn’t just walk around with it stuck in him. 

He looked around hoping for something that could help him, but there was nothing. He considered the idea of going to the nurse.

_ “Oh, yeah. I’ll just say I fell on it, and be on my merry way,”  _ Nico thought sarcastically. _ “I’m sure no one will ask questions. You moron.” _

He was just going to have to remove it himself. 

He extended his fingers again. His leg twitched, sending more white hot pain through him. He kept going. His fingers closed around the handle of the compass. He winced with the pain. Nico looked down at the compass and braced himself against the wall. He gave himself a mental countdown. 

_ “Three.”  _

_ “Two.”  _

He paused. He could feel his heart race. A sudden rush of excitement came over him. 

_ “One.” _

With a yank, the compass clattered to the floor. Blood flew through the air in a scarlet arc. Nico gasped with the sudden wave of pain.

Why did it hurt so much more now? 

He could feel blood racing down his leg, but it took all of his strength to keep from sliding down the wall. The blood pooled on the floor for a few seconds while Nico regained his breath. 

Nico felt a different kind of panic. What if the blood never stopped? What was he going to do? He still had to go to class for the rest of the day. How was he going to stop the bleeding before then? Why had he decided to hurt such an obvious place on his body? What were people going to say when they noticed? 

He sunk down, resting his head against the wall and waited for the blood to stop running. Nico watched it making its way to the ground. The blood itself didn’t scare him. Nico wondered if he would have sat like this and watched himself bleed to death if he ever got seriously injured. Something deeper inside of him ignited. Something different than excitement or fear. Maybe incipation?

It warmed him from the inside, and he felt himself losing track of time. His eyes closed. It felt like he was being lifted off the ground, cradled in something soft that made the pain fade. The world around him spun slightly. The dark seemed delightfully fuzzy somehow. 

His eyes snapped open.

He had to go. He had to go do the rest of his day. The rest of his week. The rest of his life.

He looked at the hole left in his skin. It was perfectly round. It looked like part of him was just gone.

Nico tried to clean it up, but the blood left rusty streaks on his skin. He began to try to mop up the blood on the floor, but no matter how much he wiped it away, the more blood there seemed to be. Nico's fingers came away stained red. He peered through the crack between the door and the wall. No one was there still. He hastened to the sink and washed his hands. He also washed his knee. A pinprick of red appeared on his skin. 

He didn’t carry bandaids on him. It would have to do.

“Where were you?” Will asked as Nico joined him in gym class.

Nico knocked into the wall too hard, causing him to bounce slightly as he slid down the wall to join Will. 

He shrugged. 

“Hey, I wasn’t trying to make you mad at me.” 

“That’s ok.” 

Will frowned. He extended his arm, like he wanted to put a hand on Nico’s shoulder, but had thought better of it.

“I was just worried, you know?” 

Nico nodded, thinking of the jeans with a bloody patch on the knee in his locker at that moment.

“Yeah, I should start eating more.” 

It wasn’t really something he planned on doing. It was just something to fill up space in the conversation, but upon hearing it, Will perked up. 

“Yes,” he agreed. “Every day.” 

“ _ Every _ day? You want me to bring food with me  _ every _ day?” 

Will huffed slightly. 

“Yeah, that’s normal, man.” 

“I think your “normal”,” Nico made finger quotes around the word. “Is slightly different than my normal,” he paused and, seeing the disappointed look on Will’s face, added. “But I suppose I can try. I don’t know, you can punch me if I don’t bring anything.” 

“I’m not punching you.” 

“You don’t think I can take a hit? I am very strong,” Nico scoffed. 

Will rolled his eyes.

“It’s kinda more of a moral objection.”

“I’m sure. Now, we really need to work on this,” Nico pointed towards the laptop Will had put down as soon as he had walked in. “How far are we?” he asked. 

Will picked the laptop back up.

“Not bad, we’ve got all the research done. The paper is mostly done--” 

“It is not,” Nico inturped. 

Will waved him off. 

“We’ll just make all the periods a bigger font.”

“I’ve never met someone who actually does that.” 

“It uses up space.” 

“How much space could it possibly use?” Nico asked, incredulous.

“Enough to be done with the paper. And we can start working on the powerpoint, which is,” he checked. “Not even started.” 

“We did number the slides,” Nico commented. “Although I suppose presenting thirty slide of nothing won’t count. I can’t believe this is all getting assigned for  _ gym _ ,” he added. 

There was very little talking after that. 

As soon as the bell rang, the two headed off down the hallway. 

“Do you want to do something this weekend?” Will asked cutting Nico off. 

Nico, who had been animatedly trying to explain his latest project in Horticulture, paused for a second before asking “Like what?” 

Will shrugged. 

“Just anything. You know, go dancing or something.” 

Nico tilted his head to the side slightly, trying to decide if it had been a serious suggestion. No, he decided. It was exactly the type of thing he said when he was being sarcastic.

“What about your film project?” he asked.

Will shook his head and adjusted his backpack on his shoulders. 

“Kayla’s busy. She can’t make this weekend.” 

Nico thought about it. He did have his finals, but honestly, he wasn’t going to study for them. 

“Ok,” he decided. 

Will seemed relieved. He let out a loud puff of air and his step grew noticeably lighter. 

“Awesome,” he said smiling. Nico shot him a questioning look. Will had grown almost giddy to the point of concern. 

“What?” Nico asked. 

“What?” 

“You?” Nico asked, gesturing to Will. “What?” 

Nico hoped Will was going to be able to understand him. Will dropped the smile and returned to a more subdued posture. Apparently he did. 

“The hell was that about?” Nico asked. 

“Nothing,” Will said, casually. 

“No, really.” 

Will sighed. 

“Whatever. I don’t like to think of you alone all weekend.” 

* * *

That Friday night found Nico in his room, sitting on his bed. He looked at his “at home” sketch book. It was covered in a thin layer of dust. Nico picked it up, and his hands too became dusted. He flipped through the pages for a few seconds, wanting to draw, but unable to think of anything. He put the book back down. 

He laid back and stared at the wall.The world spun when he closed his eyes. It felt like all he ever did was sleep anymore. It frustrated Nico so badly, but he could never get enough sleep to feel rested. More and more frequently, as soon as he got home, he would fall asleep and he wouldn’t get up for the next day. He had dark circles under his eyes that refused to go away. He wondered if he was getting sick.

He glanced over at his backpack. There were only three weeks of school counting this one. He was so close, but with the end of the year came finals. School had become more of a prison than it ever had before. Some teachers had given up and started force feeding their students “study guides” rather than teach for the last few weeks. They were really just the test with slightly different questions. Even Coach Hedge had somewhat fallen prey to this, giving all his students a twenty page review packet. Nico had never seen him with so much paper. 

Nico took his books out of his backpack. Maybe he could at least read what he was supposed to. His mind jumped from topic to topic, unable to focus on any one thing longer for a few minutes as his eyes slid over the pages, taking nothing in. Finally, he gave up. With an aggravated sigh, he threw his Horticulture book across the room. It hit the wall with a sharp crack, leaving a dent.

“Augh!” he complained. 

He turned from the book and took out his phone. He looked over at the last conversation he’d had with Will

_ Will: Has anyone ever told u ur seriously pretty?  _

_ Nico: Not really. Thank you? _

_ Will: omfg _

_ Will: Why r u so pretty?? _

_ Nico: Are you editing the footage right now?  _

_ Will: yeah _

_ Will: Imma just sit here and send u compliments as i go through the scenes _

_ Nico: Sorry I’m so distracting. _

_ Will: Oh shut up _

This was another thing that Nico didn’t think was strictly platonic. He definitely wouldn’t use the word “pretty” to refer to any of his male friends, if he had any of them. 

He shuffled through his contact list some more. 

_ Nico: Hey.  _

_ Thalia: Hey what’s up?  _

_ Nico: I’ve got a question.  _

_ Thalia: Yeah _

_ Nico: Maybe, not so much a question. It’s more of a situation? Will and I have been working on a project together and I kind of said I wanted him to kiss me and he said “not right now” and then...here. What does this mean? _

He took a screenshot of his and Will’s conversation and sent it to Thalia.

_ Thalia: Yessssss finally _

_ Thalia: Awww it’s so cute. Nico, he wants to ask u out _

_ Nico: Are you sure?  _

_ Thalia: I mean, pretty sure _

_ Thalia: Yeah _

_ Thalia: So r u going to kiss him at your next...what is it? Film shoot? _

_ Nico: I can’t. We’re not doing it this weekend.  _

_ Thalia: Because of ur prom?  _

_ Nico: What? _

_ Thalia: I thought ur prom was this weekend? _

_ Thalia: Is it not? Jason’s been txting me everyday about it _

Nico was halfway through his next message before his brain caught up. Oh God. No wonder Will had seemed so strange when he had asked him to hang out with him. Nico felt his heart beat faster in his chest. No, he told himself. He was seeing what he wanted to. Will wasn’t asking him to prom; he had probably forgotten what day it was on. 

_ Nico: I just realized, he might have also asked me to go to prom with him. _

_ Thalia: HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW?  _

_ Thalia: EITHER HE DID OR HE DIDN’T _

_ Nico: I don’t know. He just asked me if I wanted to hang out. _

_ Thalia: Omg just ask him _

_ Thalia: Go! _

_ Nico: Right now!?  _

_ Thalia: Go! _

Nico shuffled back to Will’s contact. He could ask without making it obvious at least. If he worded it right, Will might not understand what he was really asking.

_ Nico: Hello. Do you know what we’re doing this weekend yet?  _

_ Will: Hey _

_ Will: Ya  _

_ Nico: You’re not taking me to any social functions are you? _

_ Nico: I hate parties.  _

There was a silence as Nico stared at the screen. It grew black, and he anxiously refreshed it. 

_ Will: Of course not _

_ Will: I know u hate parties  _

_ Will: I can almost guarantee we wont see anyone at all _

_ Nico: Ok.  _

_ Nico: Thanks. _

_ Will: C u tomorrow  _

* * *

The Saturday prom was held turned out to be a beautiful day. The grass was a bright green and covered in new flowers, dotting the grass with yellow dandelions. The flowers reflected the sunlight streaming through the big, puffy clouds lazily floating in the sky. It was unusually warm and Nico found himself shedding his aviator jacket for the first time in months. 

It was, in fact, such a nice day that Will had insisted on coming over early to play with Mrs. O’leary. Nico was relieved when he had arrived in completely normal clothes. They definitely weren’t going to prom, unless Will was planning on being the most underdressed person there. 

Nico leaned back against his back door and watched him as he threw a ball for Mrs. O'leary to chase. She kept begging him to throw it over and over. 

“She’s not going to stop,” Nico said eventually after what felt like the fiftieth throw. “One time my sister and I tried to see how long it would be until she gave up. We were out here for hours.” 

Nico felt a twinge of sadness. It had been Bianca with him that day. He wished he hadn’t said anything.

“It’s because she’s so dedicated!” Will called back.

He gave her the ball to chew. Mrs. O’leary flopped down onto the grass. Will knelt down next to her and began to pet her, whispering words of praise to her. Nico joined him on the grass. 

“Do you talk to her?” Will asked. 

“Sometimes,” Nico said. “Not very much. Hazel talks to her more.” 

“Ok, great,” Will said, a smile crossing his face. “Because I didn’t want you to think I was being weird.” 

“You’ve...never had a dog,” Nico decided.

“Yeah. You can tell?” 

Nico nodded. 

“We were going to get one when I was little,” Will said. His fingers ran through Mrs. O’leary’s fur as he talked. “But it never happened.” 

“Why not?” Nico asked. 

Will shrugged. 

“Family shit,” he said. “My mom wanted a lot of kids. She wanted to live here. Settle down, you know. My dad, not so much. They fought about it alot. Neither of them will give up. Mom still keeps the van, even though there’s no way we’re ever going to need it now.” 

Nico had never thought about it, but there was no way a family of three needed a huge minivan like the one Will drove. Will’s house seemed much emptier when Nico realized there were also probably empty rooms that were meant for siblings that were never going to come.

“Ah, I’m making you sad,” Will cut himself off from whatever he was about to say. “Forget about it.”

“It’s ok.” 

Nico watched him. He didn’t think it was him who was feeling sad. Will’s eyes seemed impossibly big. Nico looked closer, and was shocked to see they were full of tears. It was the first time he’d ever seen Will sad. He wasn’t sure what to do, so he reached out and took his hand and held it just like how Will did for him sometimes. Will’s fingers intertwined with his. The two of them sat in silence for a while, staring out, over the tops of the trees. With no one petting her anymore, Mrs. O’leary wandered off, disappearing into the house through the dog door.

It was nice, Nico decided. Sitting on the grass, in the sunlight, holding hands with the boy he liked. But the nagging thought persisted that none of it was real. It wasn’t a relationship. He didn’t know what to call it. It wasn’t friendship, but it also wasn’t romance. It was somewhere, lost in between. 

When his feeling for Will had started, Nico told himself he was going to ignore them forever, but he hadn’t and everything had become a jumbled mess of emotions. The uncertainty was eating him alive. Nico thought he should take Thalia’s advice again, and just ask.

Will let go of his hand.

“Do you want to go now?” He asked. “It’s probably about time to go.” 

The tears had disappeared, but he seemed much quieter than normal. 

“In a second,” Nico said. “I wanted to ask you something.” 

“Hmm,” Will hummed. “What is it?” 

Nico took a breath to steady himself. It was nerve wracking. It brought a bigger rush than any self harm ever could. 

“Are we dating?” 

There was a second of silence, as the whole world seemed to stand still, waiting.

“Yeah.”

It was a simple statement of fact, like Will had always believed it. 

“Really?” Nico asked, not daring to believe it as easily.

A slightly confused look came over Will’s face. 

“Didn’t you ask me to kiss you?” Will asked. “I kind of figured you liked me after that.” 

Nico was puzzled. How had he somehow missed the start of their relationship?

“But,” Nico started. 

Before he could say anything else, Will leaned over. Nico felt a light pressure, as Will’s lips found his. It was over before it began, but it was enough to make Nico’s heart stop. I was as if his whole body had frozen. He had to remind himself to breathe. 

Will pulled back. 

“You ok?” he finally asked. 

“I...just never thought it would happen,” Nico managed. 

“Oh my god. How long have you been waiting?” 

“Since February,” Nico said in a small voice. He felt his face flush as he said it. 

“You idiot,” Will breathed. His voice was soft, almost a whisper. “Come here.” 

Nico turned, so he was facing Will directly. His skin prickled as Will put a hand to his cheek. Nico closed the distance between them. The kiss was much longer this time. Nico felt Will’s lips move against his, and he concentrated hard on the feeling. Will’s hand was still on his face holding him gently. 

Nico found it hard to believe that it was actually happening, after dreaming about it for months. It was better than anything he could have imagined by himself. Nico was lost in the sensation, the closeness, the kind of warmth it brought, heating his entire body. 

Will broke the kiss, but didn’t loosen the hold on Nico. Nico’s face broke out in a smile. He threw his arms around Will, hugging him. It felt so good to be as close as he wanted. 

“And I spent Valentine’s day alone this February for nothing,” Will said against Nico’s shoulder. “You should have told me.” 

Nico let him go and moved back slightly so he could look at him properly. 

“I thought I was broken--” he tried to explain. 

Will cut him off. 

“I will keep telling you you’re not until you believe me,” he said, taking Nico’s hand.

“I just thought…” Nico wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence. “ _ I thought you wouldn’t love me? I thought I was too much work?”  _

“Of course I don’t care,” Will said. “I thought you already knew that.” 

“Sorry.”

“So do you want to head out?” Will asked. “Because I’ve got this whole date planned.” 


	12. 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I know I don't really give trigger warnings, I thought I should for this chapter. There's going to be talk of suicide so just be aware. (This is the direction the fic is going, so this might be the time to stop if you don't want to read about that kind of thing).

Nico's door slammed so hard it bounced open. He stalked over to his avior jacket and pulled it back on, feeling the familiar weight surround him. It was itchy, biting into the skin underneath. The heat from it began to overwhelm him. Nico tore it off again. It landed in a pile on the floor.

He sunk down the wall next to it. Nico's arms grasped at his shoulders tightly. Sobs wracked his body, but no tears fell from his eyes. He could feel his body shaking. he wasn't able to stop. He didn't want to. The motion made him feel better. The silence sobs turned into gasps as he began to run out of air. His head grew light, and Nico began to see dark spots flicker on the edges of his vision. He turned his head inward, closing his eyes.

Blackness surrounded him. He wore it, he saw it, he breathed it, and he was it. It brought him no comfort.

Nico opened his eyes and his body stilled. His eyes darted around the room. The dark outlines of his bed and desk loomed over him.

"I'm stuck," he whispered to the air.

He sprang to his feet. As he did, he kicked over his trash can. Litter exploded in a flurry of paper. The scraps fluttered like tiny moth wings and settled in glimmering piles. The dust hung in the air like confetti, lazily making its way to settle on the ground.

Nico began to pace the room. It felt like he had been filled with a sudden, endless amount of energy. Art supplies crushed under his shoes. The sharp crack of his pencils echoed in the room. The sound made Nico snap his head up. His feet kept moving.

His hands instinctively went through his hair, pushing it off of his face. He was being suffocated. The air was stale, hot. How could he think in this place? Everything was too familiar. Too ordinary. Too disappointing.

It was drizzling as Nico shut his front door.

The fresh air hit him in the face, forcing him to take a breath of the clean, rain filled air. He hurried off of his front lawn and off down the street, his feet splashing in the pools collected on the sidewalk.

Nico wasn't sure where he was headed. It was fitting. He never seemed to know where he was going. His life stretched out in front of him, twisting behind him, ruined by the jagged lines slashed through it. Just when he thought he knew what was going to happen, the path twisted again, pushing him off course.

Nico felt strangely alive, hyper aware of the world around him. He was sure if he stopped he could have counted the blades of grass below him. He was the only one on the street. There was no one to give him suspicious stares, or pitying looks. He was invisible. He couldn't help a laugh escape his lips. It was a thin, slightly unhinged sound: fleeting for a moment, before the street grew silent again.

His way was light well enough by streetlights, and Nico found himself soon at the local park. There was the smallest of playsets and two lonely swings off to one side, but most of it was a nature walk. There was a lake and gravel path cutting through grass and prairie plants. A footbridge crossed the thinnest park of the lake, so that goers-by could cross from side to side.

Nico crossed to the bridge and sat down by the edge of the lake on a large rock. His face reflected up at him, distorted by the streetlights. His eyes were sunken into his face, the shadows dramatic, the lights gave his face a bluish tinge. His wet hair clung to his face and neck.

Nico studied the pale face on the water, wishing it could say something back to him.

"I can't keep doing this."

Silence.

"I'm just doing the same things over and over again."

Nico was fully aware he was taking to his reflection in the dead of night. He wished the voice in his head would say something, but even it was strangely silent.

"I never get any better. Nothing ever changes."

It was as all of his thoughts couldn't stay contained in his head anymore. They rose to the front of his mind, clamoring to be the first one out of his mouth.

"I'm sick of myself. I'm done looking for someone else's pity. I'm done with being a burden on Dad."

Nico's voice was shaky.

He had long since lost the notion that his dad actually wanted to spend any time at home anymore. Nico knew that everything reminded him of his mom and sister. Hades di Angelo had repainted or refinished every room in the house after his wife's death, but he had never been able to move somewhere else, leaving Nico stuck as well. He was the last remnant of an old life. He was a constant reminder of what his dad's life could have been. He was the last part of the house his dad couldn't paint over.

"I'm not going back to school."

Mr. Brunner's face flashed briefly in Nico's mind. Would he notice if Nico never showed up to his class again?

"I can't do this anymore. I'm done. I refuse to keep going! I am not going to live miserable!"

Nico was on his feet shouting.

His words were swallowed by the darkness.

There. He had said it, and it was real now. His mind felt clearer.

Nico wavered for a moment more. The energy, still coursing through him, filled him with the same sense of anticipation as before. He moved to the footbridge and rested his arms on the railing. He could make out the street in the distance. It was empty now, apart from the occasional car.

Had he and Will really traveled down that same rode a few hours ago? This morning seemed like an eternity away.

Upon nearing their destination, Will insisted for Nico close his eyes. It was so cool, but it was a surprise. He would only be spoiling things for himself. He had taken his hand, and led him blind through the grass.

Now, open your eyes.

Nico opened his eyes. It was a huge, golden field. A wooden building sat snugly tucked into the slender trees on either side.

Go, Will had urged him. He should open the door.

Thunder had clapped overhead as Nico had opened the door. It wasn't a building. It was open on one side, leading into the field. At the end of the field were brightly painted targets. It was an archery range.

Will had entered with a guard strapped to his forearm and a bow in his hand.

It was a compound bow, Will had started to explain, before he was interrupted, by a jumbled mess of questions, admiration, and surprise.

So this is what you meant when you said you don't like melee combat, Nico had asked.

Will had agreed and began to explain. He had taken up archery years ago, he was extremely good at it, but there had been much use for it in day to day life. It was kind of a weird hobby, he explained, so he didn't really bring it up.

After showing Nico how to do it correctly, he urged him to try it himself.

I'm awful at this, Nico had exclaimed after missing the target several times. I'm going to break your arrows.

Will had laughed and said his arrows were always getting broken and lost anyway.

The wind picked up, tossing Nico's hair into his eyes as he tried to aim. Will had laughed and told him to get a haircut.

The temperature dropped, and thunder persisted, but rain never came. It was if it was skirting around the edges of the range, unable to actually fall.

Will's hands had guided Nico's trying, in vain, to get him to hit the target. Nico's skin had prickled at the touch.

They spent hours at the range. Nico finally managed to hit the target a few times. Several arrows were lost forever in the long grass.

As night fell, so did the rain. Will had wanted to stay. He brought out three more arrows. He clicked a button on them, and they lit up like Christmas lights. Streaks of orange light whizzed through the air, easy to make out from from far away.

The rain picked up, chasing Will and Nico back into the car, both thoroughly soaked. The two had sat in silence for a second.

But it had looked so nice this morning, Will had exclaimed.

Nico had smiled, laughed and shook his head, causing Will to protest loudly.

Will turned on the radio on since his phone had long since gone dead. As he began to sing along, Nico had realized he was heading back home. The rain was still coming down in sheets.

It fell down the windshield, tinted red by the stoplight that shone in the darkness. The windshield wipers brushed the tiny droplets away. Will was singing along with the radio, but Nico couldn't bring himself to stop staring at his own hands.

… _what a beautiful wedding_ … Will had sung as the car stopped at a red light. He must have had years of training, but in that moment his voice sounded almost ordinary.

It had been all too ordinary. It had felt like it hadn't been a part of his life at all. He must have been living in some kind of alternate universe where everything worked out, and he got to live happily ever after. Nico was waiting for the pin to drop and it would be revealed that he had been dreaming.

A book passage he couldn't place, from a long forgotten title, had flashed in his mind. It had been something about bottling a memory, so that it could be lived over and over again. If there had been a memory he was ever going to bottle, it would have been this afternoon. Not just because he wanted to remember it forever, but because he was sure, somewhere down the line, there would be no more like it. No matter how much he wanted to live in this moment, it was going to end. Nico hadn't wanted to know what came next, because what if it was lonely and sad and there wasn't anyone there with him?

… _what a shame the poor groom's bride is a whore_ Will kept on, turning to face Nico so the last word was yelled in his face, but Nico's face was turned, titled down.

Will's smile had faded and he turned down the radio to a manageable level.

Nico, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Will scowled

Usually when I turn around and yell "whore" at you, you give me some stupid expression.

Well, I'm sorry my face isn't entertaining enough for you.

Seriously. What's wrong?

 _Nothing,_ Nico had insisted. He could feel his tone getting harsher and harsher. Nothing's _ever_ wrong.

You can't just say nothing, Will had reported his voice sharp.

Well it is nothing, Nico spat back. The light's green, he added.

The two of them continued in silence until they got to Nico's house.

Well, Will had said, stopping in the driveway and setting the car in park. Goodbye.

There had been a sadness perforated into what had felt like every letter of the word. Nico felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Wait, he had said, as he had sat as if glued to his seat. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

It's ok.

It hadn't really been ok though. He knew he was fracturing his life slowly apart. He hadn't been sure how to end the conversation, but he knew he didn't want to leave without trying to fix it.

Thanks for taking me to prom.

It was a terrible attempt.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Get out.

Will-

No, just get out.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, Nico.

And now the evening was wasted because Nico had lashed out. All good memories, spoiled by his inability to act normally. He could feel his face growing red thinking of the memory. Why was his life so embarrassing?

"I'm sorry," Nico said to no one. " Why am I always the one saying "sorry"? I haven't messed up that much, have I? Maybe I have."

Nico shook his head in disgust. None of that mattered. No amount of bottles full of the memory could make it worth living again. And there weren't going to be anymore like it

He'd made up his mind. Soon it wouldn't matter what he'd done. The very idea of it, made him feel giddy. His stomach started turning itself over and over. It physically hurt, but it was really exciting as well. The anticipation grew stronger, until he was consumed with the idea.

He hadn't felt this good in months, probably. His head was clear. His mind, able to think. His body, strong,a little nauseous maybe. That was fine. He could deal with it.

The only question was, Nico thought as he stood on the footbridge, was how to do it.

Nico looked at the railing. Then down the street. It was faint, very far away, but he could make it out against the sky.

The bridge stood a few feet away from the highway, but not quite on it. It was probably tall enough Nico thought.

It was fitting, Nico decided. He'd either grow angel wings or die trying.

He crossed the footbridge and set off towards the highway. He had gone a block before he caught himself. The sound of the determined footprints against the concrete stopped, and the world around him grew silent once again.

What was he doing?

He couldn't leave without saying goodbye to Will first. He deserved at least that after doing such a good job of putting up with Nico for this year, such a good job, Nico had convinced himself that he made Will as happy as Will made him feel. If that was really true, then Will would want something, some kind of closure. Nico could give him that.

Nico sighed and turned around. He would go to school. He would say goodbye. Then, instead of going home he would go to the bridge and…fly.

* * *

His eyes scanned the lunchroom, looking for Will. His fingers twisted around his skull ring, as he waited. He hadn't been able to sleep very much, but he still felt remarkably rested.

The rest of the students filtered in, and eventually, Will amergerd.

"Hey," he said sitting down. "Aw, you don't have anything."

Nico, who didn't feel hungry at all, looked around a second, as if searching for a phantom lunch box.

"Oh, yeah," he shrugged. "Well, I guess you can punch me then."

He grinned broadly.

Will's eyebrows knitted together.

"Sweetheart, I said I wasn't going to."

"Oh, ok then."

"Nico. Are you doing ok?"

"Yeah."

"You're just," Will paused and cocked his head. "Really happy. I kinda figured you'd be a little more...I don't know, less happy, after last night."

"There's nothing wrong with being happy," Nico replied, not answering the implied question.

"You're right," Will decided. "Hey, you think you can let me get some of that happiness? The calculus final is going to fucking kill me."

Nico smiled. It was really great not having to worry about finals.

"I legit think I'm going to die," Will continued. "This is on top of the ACT."

Kayla and Austin arrived, and Nico joined the two in conversation.

It wasn't until lunch was almost over that Nico finally worked up the courage to do what he'd come to school that day to do.

"Here," he said, slipping his skull ring off of his finger. He held it up to Will. "Take it."

He shook his head.

"Absolutely not."

Nico's face fell.

"But I want you to have it."

"Look, I'm really not mad about last night. I just needed some time to think."

"This doesn't have anything to do with that."

"And I'm not going to ask you about your feelings anymore. I understand it's difficult for you and I'm not going to make you."

"Thanks. I appreciate it, even if I feel a little condescended to," Nico said, still not taking his hand away.

"Fuck, I'm doing my best."

"I still want you to have it," Nico said.

"I can't take your sister's ring," Will explained. "Even if you don't think so now, that shit's important."

"No!" Nico hissed.

He took Will's hand, and pressed the ring into it.

"I want _you_ to have it."

"Why?"

Nico shrugged.

"Because I do."

Will tried to give the ring back, but Nico promptly hid his hands in his pockets.

"Please," Nico insisted. "Please, take it."

Will's eyes seemed very focused on Nico's face. His gaze shifted to the ring. His brow was furrowed. After what felt like forever, his hand closed around the ring and he slipped it into his pocket.

"Ok," he said. His voice sounded strained, like there was some sort of emotion he was trying very hard to restrain. "I'll keep it for now."

"Thank you."

"Yeah," Will said. He began to pack his bag. "I need to film tonight. We need to go downtown today, we should leave right from school. Text your dad. I'll drop you off when we're done."

Nico's heart dropped. He tried to keep a neutral expression on his face. He looked at Will's face, cursing himself internally.

He could just say no. Why didn't he just say no? Why was is so hard to say no to that stupid face? Why was he about to agree?

"Ok," Nico agreed. He felt himself deflate. His good mood dissipated, like early morning mist. The numbness crept back into him, filling every crack. He suddenly felt tired.

Will, on the other hand, immediately seemed to cheer up. His face softened, and he seemed to physically relax.

"Awesome."

Will reached out and hugged him briefly.

"I'll see you later."

"Yeah," Nico echoed hollowly. "Later."

* * *

As Nico watched out the window of Will's car after school, he couldn't help himself.

"You think I'd die if I fell off that bridge?" Nico asked as he Will, and Kayla passed under it.

"That's not really something to joke about," Kayla said.

She was sitting in the back of the car with the camera. Her arms were crossed and she scowled at the floor.

"It's just a question."

Kayla exhaled sharply through her nose.

"I don't want to think about it. Isn't it scary to you?"

Nico shrugged.

"I just-"

"Yes," Will cut him off.

"What?"

"I think you'd definitely die."

Nico turned his head to look at him. Will's eyes were focused on the road. He hands gripped the steering wheel tightly. Nico moved slightly, trying to catch his attention. But Will didn't look at him.

"Stop!" Kayla complained. "Let's talk about something else."

The car felt very empty. Any sort of warmth had left with Kayla. Will was still refusing to look at him. He pulled the car into Nico's driveway.

"Thanks," Nico said, reaching for the door.

"Wait."

He let go of the handle.

"What's up?" Nico asked.

"I don't know," Will said. "I was going to ask you."

He finally turned and looked at Nico. His blue eyes searched over his face. Did he know?

"You're just," Will paused. His hand gestured as if it could somehow conjure the words he was searching for. "Off."

"I'm fine," Nico reassured. "I really am."

Will shook his head slightly and ran his fingers through his hair.

"I don't know. I have this weird feeling."

"About the film shoot?"

"No."

Will sighed.

"Then what about?"

"I'm not sure. You, I guess."

"I'm fine."

"Still though.

"Hey, it's ok. I'm not going anywhere."

Nico reached out his hand, but stopped, not sure where he was supposed to put it. Will noticed and took hold of it.

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yes," Nico said. He let a hint of impatience slip into his voice.

Will's hand tightened on Nico's.

"Promise me."

He knew.

Internally, Nico was beginning to fall apart. Alarms were going off in his head, and his heart was beating so loudly it was impossible to focus on anything else. It felt like it was in the back of his throat, trying to claw its way out.

"I'll be there."

Will pulled him in. As much as Nico wanted to think it was a normal kiss, it was hard to ignore how desperately Will's fingers curled into his hair, clinging to the strands. There was something in it that conveyed a sense of need. A gesture that cried " _Don't leave me"_. The sadness seemed to radiate between the two, uncut and lingering even after Will pulled away.

Nico went to bed. It was fine, he thought as he pulled the covers over him. He could make Will happy for a day. He'd just walk over tomorrow. He'd be closer that way: he wouldn't have to do as much walking. Will might think he was helping, but he'd give up eventually.

Still though, there had been something. He'd felt it for a second in the car. It had made him want to give up on his plan.

No, he decided. A second of something wasn't enough. Everything was still on track.

Everything fell off the track the next morning.

Nico was in Horticulture, when there was a knock on the door.

Mr. Brunner wheeled over and opened it. The class erupted into chatter as soon as the door closed behind him. Nico rolled his eyes at his classmates' behavior and continued to draw on the pages of "notes" he was taking.

Mr. Brunner was approaching him.

"They need you down in the guidance counselor," Mr Brunner said.

It was if a rug had been pulled from under Nico's feet. He felt himself moving long before his mind caught up, and it was if he was watching himself walking down the hall rather than doing it himself. He knew exactly what had happened, and sure enough, he found exactly who he expected sitting outside of the office.

"What did you do?" he snarled.

Will Solace had turned him in.


	13. 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: OK. A bit of a hiatus there. I got overwhelmed with school. Yall know how it be with online deadlines.

“After I went home, I did some research--” Will started. 

“You don’t trust me!” 

Nico was outraged. He’d done everything Will had asked of him. He’d put off his plans. He’d come to school today, when he really didn’t want to. 

“You have, like, half of the warning signs of suicide.” 

Nico's eyes narrowed. 

“Stop.” 

His voice was deadly calm. 

No matter how much Nico liked him, he didn’t want to talk to him about that. Suicidal ideation was something deeply personal to him. Nico hid it from everyone, even himself, by dressing it up in flowery language, or simply alluding to it in his head. If he were to pause and think about it, Nico knew he would be horrified, which was why he didn’t want to stop going. 

Hearing Will say “suicide” out loud made Nico feel like he’d touched on something far too personal for him. He felt exposed, as if his soul had been ripped from his body and shown off for everyone to see. 

“I’m just trying to he--” 

Nico snapped. 

He was screaming some mix of English and Italian, but even he didn’t recognize his own words. 

Will reached out and grabbed hold of his wrist. 

“Calm down!” 

Nico twisted out of his grasp easily. He backed up, eyes darting around the hallway. Maybe he could get out somehow. 

Mrs. Kerr, the perky, blonde, administration staff lady, rushed out of the office, her high heels clacking across the floor. She stumbled into Will and had to grab the wall to stop her from sending the two of them to the floor. 

“Mr. di Angelo.” 

Nico shifted his glare to her. 

“Keep your voice to an appropriate volume. Yelling will not be tolerated.”

There was nothing he wanted more than to leave. Nico wished he could disappear into the shadows. 

Mrs. Kerr steadied herself and walked forward. 

“Sit down.” 

Nico couldn’t bring himself to yell at a teacher, as much as he might like not to. 

He and Will wound up sitting on the bench, as far away from each other as possible, outside of the guidance counselor's office. 

“I wonder what’s taking them so long,” Will said, breaking the silence after a few seconds. 

Nico remained silent. He remained staring fixedly at the point of the wall directly in front of him. 

“Mrs. Kerr will be back soon, I’m sure, but still…” he trailed off. 

Nico wasn’t going to dignify the small talk with a response 

Will looked around him and, after a second, clicked his tongue a few times. 

He really could be quite annoying, Nico thought, still refusing to acknowledge him. 

“Hey, talk to me...in English,” Will added, on the end, as an afterthought. 

Nico was tempted to say something in Italian. 

Will sighed. He leaned his head back against the wall. 

“Ok. I get it. You’re mad at me. You probably hate me right about now.” 

_ “Not nearly as much as I should,”  _ Nico thought.

His outburst had taken the anger out of him. After the few seconds of sitting on the bench, Nico could completely understand why Will had done it. He hated how analytically he was thinking now. He wished he could go back to being that angry, but he could already feel it fading away, leaving him with nothing but bitter resentment. 

He tried to move his eyes, not his head, in order to catch a glimpse of Will. He was still leaning back against the wall, his eyes lost somewhere in the ceiling tiles.

“I thought about it for a long time. Shit, it must have been months,” Will continued. “But I always convinced myself you weren't in danger. I thought I’d be able to keep an eye on you. To keep you safe. I thought I was some kind of doctor.” 

His eyes shifted from the ceiling and found Nico’s for a split second. Nico looked away, pretending he’d been looking at the wall the whole time. 

“I’m a fucking idiot.” 

Will paused to sit up. He turned himself so he was facing Nico.

“I know you might never talk to me again after this, so I want to make myself really clear: I don’t hate you. I actually like you. A lot. I want you to be a happy person. I’m not trying to be mean. I just have to step away. I... I’m not fucking good at this. I’m not good enough to trust myself anymore.” 

He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting, but these were not the words Nico wanted to begin hearing right now. He wished he could tell Will “stop trying to make me feel different emotions. I’m trying to block everything out”. 

At least Will got to go home after this. Nico had to spend the rest of his day in a hospital, and he had to be in a good enough mental state to lie his way back out. He wasn’t going to be able to if he started crying here.

The weight Nico felt on his shoulders suddenly seemed too heavy. 

His arms slipped off of the bench. His elbows hit his knees and his forehead went into his hands. His thumbs cupped around his eyes, blocking out his peripheral vision. He stayed like that. He wasn’t sure if he didn’t want to keep looking forward, or if he couldn’t anymore. He heard rather than saw Will move above him. 

“Can I touch you?” he asked.

Nico shook his head “no”. 

“Ok.” 

He was silent after that.

Mrs, Kerr’s footsteps slowly clacked louder until Nico guessed she was standing right in front of them. 

“The ambulance is outside.” 

Her voice was directed towards Will.

“His dad is going to meet him there. You can head back to class now.” 

The bench creaked as Will sprang to his feet. 

“I thought you were going to talk to him before deciding anything.” 

“After we talked to his dad, we decided this was the better option.” 

“But don’t you need to talk to  _ him _ ?” 

“We decided it’s better this way.” 

“But, I thought--”

“Go back to class. You will not be considered excused if you continue to stay here.” 

Will’s legs came into Nico’s field vision. He knew he should sit up, or at least look up, but he couldn’t bring himself to. There was soft thud, and Nico found himself staring at Will’s chest. He still refused to look up and meet his eyes.

“Hey, so, um, I’m gonna go now. I’ll wait for as long as you want. Come find me when you’re ready. Good luck, Nico.” 

Then Will was gone.

Of course, no one would bother to consent him. Well, it was every child’s dream to ride in an ambulance. Nico somehow doubted he’d enjoy it. 

* * *

She wasn’t wearing a name tag. He didn’t even know her name, Nico thought, but she had a whole file on him: medical records, birthday, family history. 

Nico sat next to his dad, silently seething. He only caught pieces of the conversation floating over his head. 

“...family history of depression?…” 

“...sister was 12…” 

“...yes, one of his school friends…” 

“...suicide rates are much higher for LGBT teens…” 

He was going to kill Will. If he went inpatient because of him, Nico was seriously considering murder. Ok, maybe not murder, but definitely was making Will give the P. E. presentation by himself. 

God, that meant finals were back on. Nico hadn’t done any studying lately. He was not going to be  _ that kid _ who has to repeat the year. The idea of taking Plant Class again was alone enough motivation to make him open a book as soon as he went home. 

Maybe Hazel would help him study. She had been studying for weeks, writing notes on green colored paper because she claimed it helped with her dyslexia. Maybe he should try that as well. 

“Nico?” 

Nico’s focus snapped back to the doctor for the first time since entering the room. She was young for a doctor, Nico decided. Her long, dark hair was braided and hung over her shoulder in curls. It was the type of hair described in books, somehow effortless, and yet needing hours of preparation at the same time. It stood out against her white coat. 

Nico desperately tried to stop his racing thoughts. He needed to focus on something. He chose the clipboard in the doctor’s hand. 

“Your dad is going to wait outside for a little bit so we can talk alone. It’ll only be for a few minutes.” 

Nico’s dad stood stiffly, his suit jacket folded at an odd angle. He had forgotten to unbutton it when he had sat down. He walked briskly towards the door. Nico noticed that he had dropped much of his formal mannerisms, as he watched him turn around in the doorway so he could face Nico. 

“I’ll just be outside the door,” he tried to reassure his son. 

The door clicked softly behind him. 

The doctor cleared her throat. The tip of her pen tapped against the edge of the clipboard. One. Two. Three. Four.

“I’m just going to repeat some of the questions,” she said. “Just to make sure you feel comfortable being honest.” 

“Ok,” Nico agreed, his eyes still watching the tapping pencil. 

“I have to ask these questions,” the doctor said. “So, bare with me. Is anyone hurting you at home--”

“No.” 

“Physically, emotiona--” 

“No. Not at all.” 

“Ok,” the doctor said, marking something down. “And are you hurting yourself?” 

Nico thought of the angry slashes running up and down his legs and the stab wound he’d given himself a few weeks ago. It hadn’t quite healed yet. 

“No,” he lied, still looking at the clipboard.

He knew if he said “yes”, he definitely wouldn’t be able to go home. Nico was holding out hope he could still only spend an afternoon in the hospital and be back at school the next day. 

The doctor raised an eyebrow. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” he insisted. 

“Any thought of suicide?” 

“Not until just now.”

“Just now” could mean a “few days ago”. 

“Homicide?” 

“No.” 

“Are you taking anything you shouldn’t be? Prescription drugs? Anything from off the street?” 

Nico laughed. 

“Absolutely not,” he said, trying to regain his composure. It hadn’t really been all that funny. He refocused on the clipboard. The pencil was now much further down the page. 

The doctor put her clipboard down. She leaned forward.

Nico looked up, surprised and found himself looking into her eyes. 

“You seem to be the picture of health. And yet, here you are. Is there perhaps something you’re choosing not to share?” she asked.

Nico shrugged. 

“I think it’s finals,” he mumbled. “I’m just…. really stressed out. I’m not normally like this.” 

His voice was monotone. He was desperately hoping no one would notice that he was dressed in all black, clearly looked sick, and was probably about ten pounds underweight. 

“Have you ever been diagnosed with anxiety?” the doctor inquired. 

Nico shook his head. He could feel his sense of dread beginning to melt away. It was almost over, and he could go back home. He could go back to being invisible.

“I’ll talk to your dad,” the doctor said standing up. “He might want to schedule an appointment.” 

“I’m not staying here?” Nico asked, rising as well. 

“Do you think you need to be?” 

Maybe the experience in itself had been enough, Nico thought. It had certainly scared him. It had brought him too much unwanted attention. Maybe it had scared him out of his plans completely.

“No,” Nico insisted.

Just let me go home and I won’t do anything like this again. I’ll go through the rest of my life as long as people want me to. I’ll have to be better next time. I’ll manage myself better. I’ll turn myself around. Just don’t keep me here. Don’t put me on display. Don’t poke at me anymore.

“Administration will walk you out,” The doctor said, reaching for the door handle. “It’s a maze in here.” 

Nico nodded, but didn’t follow the doctor out. He should tell her everything. At least some of what he thought. He could talk around what he didn’t want to say.

“Wait.” 

She turned back. 

Nico froze. This was a mistake. He couldn’t. 

“Sorry. I just have to zip up my jacket.”

“Sorry you had to leave work,” Nico said as he and his dad were on the road. 

“It’s fine,” Hades di Angelo reasureed. “I’m glad you’re ok.” 

His hands were still white, gripping the steering wheel tightly. He seemed to be paying very little attention to driving, relying on muscle memory in order to get them home. 

“What did she ask you?” he asked Nico after a while. 

Nico shifted to look out the window. The car rolled through the school district, slowed by the hundreds of parents all trying to be the first to pick up their kid. Nico looked for Will’s bright head of hair, but found nothing. He must already be gone.

“Nothing,” he replied. “It was some of the same questions again.” 

“What happened?” his dad prodded further. 

“It’s finals,” Nico told him, sticking with the lie. “They’re making everyone crazy.” 

“Your friend seemed to believe it was something more serious.” 

His dad had nothing. He never directly talked to Will. Nico could spin this. He scrunched his eyes shut, hating himself for what he was about to do. 

“His girlfriend was hospitalized for depression. He never really got over it. So, he sees it everywhere.” Nico began. His own words made him flinch on the inside. He knew it was wrong to say it. It was some of the most personal information Will had ever told him, but there wasn’t any other way. This was the only way he could get out of therapy. 

“When we were filming, I made a joke, and he took it the wrong way and got really worried,” he finished. 

“It sounds like he means well,” Nico’s dad decided. “But, don’t joke about...whatever you said. “You, of all people, should have known better.” 

“Well, yes,” Nico said. “ _ Now _ that I know…”

He didn’t say anything else the rest of the trip. He spent the time growing more and more hollow inside. He wondered what Will was doing right now. Could he feel the betrayal as sharply too? Did it somehow find him and bite into him too?

* * *

Nico spent the rest of the day in his room. He spent several hours trying to psych himself into hating Will, but he hadn’t been able to do it, no matter how many angry breakup songs he listened to. It wasn't Will’s fault he was enamored by all things medical. Of course he would have thought it would have been the best thing to do. 

Still it didn’t mean Nico had forgiven him entrily. Today was going to make his top ten worst of days ever for sure. Nico hated the attention. The pitying looks from all the people today, the doctor’s questions, his dad’s worried expression were all things he never wanted to see again. 

Not to mention what Will had said to him: “I have to step away” and “Come find me when you’re ready”. The first one made him feel terrible. It was confirmation of everything he had been worrying about for months. He really was nothing but an annoyance. He was something no one had signed up to deal with. It had been impossible, just like he had thought.

“Come find me when you’re ready” 

That one was more difficult. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to answer that question yet. 

Nico turned off the light and climbed into bed, but he couldn’t keep it out of his mind. The sentence kept him sleep. After what felt like hours, Nico pulled out his phone. 

_ Nico: Hey. _

It only took a second before he got a reply.

_ Thalia: Yooo! Nico it’s been so long ;-; </3  _

_ Nico: Where are you? _

_ Thalia: @ home  _

Nico breathed a sigh of relief. This was what he had been hoping for.

_ Thalia: Got back this morning :D _

_ Thalia: College is done! _

_ Thalia: Jason says he saw u  _

_ Nico: Please, take me anywhere but here.  _

_ Thalia: rn?  _

_ Nico: Yes. _

_ Thalia: omw _

_ Nico. Thank you. I’ll be outside. Don’t knock.  _

_ Thalia: gotchu _

Nico quickly put on some jeans. He jammed his feet into his shoes, and grabbed his jacket on the way out of the door. He snuck downstairs. It was dark. The door was locked. He shut it quietly behind him and sat down outside on the sidewalk in front of his house.

He looked down the street, watching for Thalia’s car. 

After a few minutes, he heard a loud rumbling. Turning his head, Nico saw a figure approaching him. It was far too small to be a car. 

A motorcycle pulled into his driveway, parking next to Nico’s dad’s fancy work car. Nico scrambled to his feet. 

The leather clad figure took off her helmet. Thalia shook her head, her spiky hair flaring out around her. Even in the dark, Nico could make out her bright blue eyes. 

“You are in college!” Nico protested. “You guys eat ramen, and don’t have air conditioning! How do you have money for a motorcycle?” 

Thalia laughed and walked over to Nico. She patted his head, her hand ruffling his hair. He swatted her hand away. 

“I’m in college. Now’s the time for stupid mistakes. Come on. Let’s get out of here. I’m a menace to society,” she added, glancing around at the well manicured lawns. “Nice yard.” 

“I absolutely hate it.”

Thalia walked back over to the motorcycle. 

“I’m not keeping you up?” Nico asked, following her. 

Thalia shrugged. 

“Bit late for that now. I wasn’t doing anything anyway,” she decided. “Here.” 

She tossed him her helmet. 

Nico quickly found it impossible to talk while on the road. The wind whipped through him, tearing at his clothes. He could feel the machine hum underneath him. He felt like he was a second from over balancing. In short, Nico loved it. 

They drove downtown. Despite the hour, there were still a few people walking around. They roamed through the brightly light streets. Couples held hands and friends traveled in groups, laughing and shoving each other playfully. Thalia parked and the two of them joined the people on the streets. They wandered around a while, not really finding anything, most of the stores were closed. After a while, Thalia stopped outside a bar. 

“Hold up. I want to get something,” she said.

“You’re not twenty one,” Nico told her. 

Thalia flashed him a smile. 

“Hell yeah, I am.”

Nico rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t help but grin. 

“You want anything?” 

Nico thought of Will and his anti drug retreat. 

“Get me whatever you’re having.” 

Thalia emerged a few minutes later with two beers in plastic cups. 

“They’re lemon flavored,” she told Nico, passing him one. “Probably not any good, but we’ll see.” 

“Why did you get them if you don’t think you like them?” Nico asked. 

“I was curious.” 

Nico couldn’t argue with that. 

The two continued along the streets until they became a river walk. The bright lights faded into the distance. It still wasn’t dark, but the lights were fewer and weaker. 

“This is nice,” Nico said. 

Thalia nodded. 

“I thought you’d like it. A lot different from your place though.” 

It felt so much bigger than Nico was used to. His world consisted of the few miles between his school and home. It was a good change of scenery. 

Thalia was still looking out into the distance. 

“I used to come here all the time. I’d just hang out. I owned these streets...God, I wasted so much time.” 

They continued on for a while. Eventually they came to a bench, and Thalia sat down, crossing one of her legs over the other. 

Nico sat next to her, his cup held tightly in both his hands. It felt weird without his ring. 

“So how did your date go?” 

Nico puffed the air out of his mouth, in an annoyed huff. 

Thalia put a hand to her mouth. 

“Oh my God. It wasn’t a date. I’m sorry. I swear I thought he liked you.” 

“No, it was,” Nico said, cutting her off before she could say anything else.

“Hey! That’s great,” Thalia said. 

She reached an arm out to shove Nico’s shoulder, but stopped, seeing the look on his face.

Nico glared over at her. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked. “I thought you would be excited. It’s been how many months?”

“Stop,” Nico said. 

“You talked about him all the time.”

“I did not.”

“You did. Honestly, I feel like I know the guy,” Thalia said, still reclining on the bench. “I mean, I know what music he listens to, his favorite class, who he mains in  _ Smash _ , even his goddamn fish’s name.” 

“Well, you can forget all of that now, and use the extra space for something useful,” Nico told her. 

They sat in silence for a while. Thalia finished her drink and crumpled the cup to pieces. The plastic made a sharp cracking noise as it snapped. 

“What happened?” She asked.

“...I forgot…” 

Thalia rolled her eyes, so noticeably that her dark eyeliner couldn’t hide it. 

More time passed. Nico stared out over the slowly rippling water. Downtown was quiet. Most of the people had gone inside. The silence seemed to extend on forever, like a rubber band, growing tighter and tighter with tension. 

“I fucked up,” Nico confessed. 

Thalia raised an eyebrow, but she remained silent, waiting for him to continue. 

“I don’t know what I was expecting,” Nico said. “I did something dumb, and he told literally  _ all _ the adults. So now we’re not talking anymore.” 

Nico glanced at Thalia, waiting for her to ask for clarification. It didn’t come. 

“I flipped out and yelled at him,” he said. “I don’t even remember what I said, but it wasn’t good. And I don’t know what I’m going to do for the rest of the year. Or the summer really. I hate it here. I hate everything about this.” 

“Dude, that sucks,” Thalia said. “So...are you still together, or was it the shortest relationship ever?” 

Nico shrugged. 

“I don’t know. He said to “come find him” when I wanted. What does that even mean?” 

Thalia shrugged back in form of reply. 

“Why does he have to be so understanding?” Nico said, bitterly. “Then I wouldn’t be the only one yelling.” 

Thalia cocked her head so she was looking at him sideways. 

“You ever think you don’t need a screaming match right now?” 

“Oh, shut up.” 

The two of them sat in silence again. The air had begun to grow cold. The cold bars of the bench pressed cold lines into Nico’s back.

Finally, Thalia sighed and stood up from the bench. 

“Come on,” she said, pushing her hair out of her face. “Let’s get out of here.” 

Nico rose too, his legs stiff from sitting so long.

He started after Thalia as she made her way back. 

“You’re not going to say anything?” he asked, incredulous. “Give me advice or anything?”

She shrugged. 

“What do you want me to say? You want some advice: make your own choice. I’m not gonna tell you what to do. If you don’t want to talk to him anymore, I’m not gonna make you. There are tons of other guys out there.” 

“Yeah,” Nico agreed, but his heart wasn’t in it. Will wasn’t just “some guy” to him. Nico felt a great sense of loss weigh heavily on him. It was stupid, because he was mad at him, but as mad as he felt, he couldn’t bring himself to ignore him completely. 

He finished his drink in one gulp. The edges of his vision went fuzzy. 

“I’ll drive you home if you want.” 

“I don’t want to go home.” 

“You wanna come hang at my place?” 

Nico nodded. His house felt empty. Nico hated feeling stuck in it. 

Thalia’s house turned out to be an apartment, minimally furnished, and still very small and cramped looking. 

“Quiet, Jason’s asleep,” Thalia said, pointing to the only door. She looked around the room. “So what do you want to do? We can watch tv on my laptop or just chill out.” 

“I want to sleep,” Nico said. “I have school in,” he checked the time “four hours.” 

“Cool. I’m going to stay up,” Thalia said. “Season 2 of  _ Mr. Robot _ comes out in July. I’m rewatching it.” 

“You’ll stay here?” Nico asked. 

“I can go somewhere else if--”

“No,” Nico interrupted. “Please stay.” 

Nico didn’t want to be alone, and though Thalia couldn’t fill the Will-shaped hole in his heart, he did feel better around her. 

Thalia began to unfold the couch into a bed. Nico helped her with the mattress.

“I’m coming back without eyebrows,” Thalia said, heading towards the door. “You better not tell anyone.” 

“How wide do you think my social circle is?” Nico called back. “I promise you: It’s a dot. I’d only be telling your brother.”

“You want me to get some of Jason’s clothes for you?” Thalia’s voice came from the wall somewhere to his right. 

“No.” 

Nico shed his aviator jacket and climbed into the bed and waited. He could hear water running in a nearby bathroom sink.

Thalia came back a few minutes later dressed in pajamas. A laptop was held under her arm.

She sat down on the floor next to the pull out couch and set up her laptop. She made sure to plug in earbuds, so the room could stay quiet. 

“Goodnight.” 

“Thalia?” 

“Yeah?” 

“You can come up and sit with me. You don’t have to sit on the floor.” 

Thalia settled in next to Nico. She balanced the laptop on her knees. It cast a blue light over the blankets.

“You wanna listen?” Thalia asked, offering one of her earbuds to Nico. 

He took it, and leaned back against the back of the pull out couch. There was a lot of music in the show. It was calming, soft piano, and Nico was asleep within minutes.

He woke to loud clattering. Apparently Jason had stumbled into the room, and had bumped into a chair, knocking it over. 

“Where are my glasses? Did you move them, Thalia?” he asked, seeing Nico bolt up. 

Jason’s eyebrows creased together and he squinted towards Nico. Unable to make him out, Jason went back to his room muttering something about Thalia’s many boyfriends. 

Nico looked around to find Thalia asleep next to him, the single earbud dangling in her ear. The laptop was still open, but the screen had gone dark. 

Nico scrambled to his feet and began to straighten the bed. He threw the cover back up, so they covered Thalia.

Jason reemerged, this time with his glasses hanging loosely on the bridge of his nose. 

“Nico?” 

He was surprised, but he hid it well. 

“Good morning,” Nico said, also trying to pretend that this was a normal occurrence that happened all the time. 

“When’d you get here?” Jason asked, pulling a bowl from the cabinet of the kitchenet. 

“Last night,” Nico answered. He checked his phone. No new messages from his dad. “The bus stop around here?” 

“Just outside.” 

Jason edged closer to Nico, a bowl of cereal in hand, and sat down on the bed. 

“Unless I missed something, I’m guessing you’re not a new boyfriend,” Jason said between mouthfuls. “So what are you doing here?” 

“Thalia and I were hanging out last night. And then she asked if I wanted to sleep over. And here I am,” Nico explained. It wasn’t really a very detailed account of what happened. 

“Hmm,” Jason decided. He didn’t say anything else until the cereal was gone. 

Nico looked down at Thalia, still asleep. 

“Should we wake her?” 

“Nah, leave her. She works nights,” Jason answered, standing up. “Give me a minute to get dressed, and we’ll leave.” 

Jason’s bus was almost exactly the same as his. Jason sat with Nico and tried to make small talk on the ride with minimal success. Nico wondered if Jason had other friends here. He looked around and found Hazel’s friend, Reyna, a few seats away. She didn’t seem to notice him. She was engaged in conversation with a black haired boy who was drinking some kind of a red liquid out of a water bottle. 

Nico gave his final presentation in Horticulture that day. It was a terribly long list of all the plant related activities he’d done that semester. Nico didn’t have some of the pictures he was supposed to have taken. 

He stared at one of the few he did have. It was the plant with blue flowers that he had planted out in his yard. Will had helped him pick out that plant. 

During his presentation, Nico made up a fair amount of the information he was supposed to have memorized. He hoped Mr. Brunner wouldn’t notice. 

He made a point of playing Chris that day. He had managed to get two more people, Michael Yew and Billie Ng, so they played four way  _ Magic _ . Nico told them all individually, one immediately after the next, that they should totally ally with him. They’d take out the other players together and it'd be down to the two of them. It seemed to get a kick out of the crowd. Michael’s, already squinty, face contorted further in annoyance, but Billie and Chris laughed, promised they were both definitely on his side, and then attacked him. The game ended when Nico played the  _ Rise of the Dark Realms _ card and amassed an enormous army out of everyone’s graveyards. The crowd howled with laughter, as Chris, Micheal, and Billie were systematically wiped out, one every round. 

“You won last time,” Nico told Chris. “I couldn’t have lost again. My reputation would have been destroyed.” 

His heart hadn’t been in the game. The school itself seemed strange. Nothing had changed physically, but it felt like he was looking at something he had never been meant to see.It felt like his thread had been cut, but somehow he had kept living. Nico couldn’t shake the feeling that he was running on borrowed time.

“You act like you’re letting me win,” Chris countered. “But we all know you’re not nearly as good as you claim.” 

“Oooooohhh!” the crowd taunted. 

Nico looked a few tabled over. He couldn’t make him out though all the people, but he knew Will was sitting there. Was he watching? 

It was awkward in gym class. Will and Nico were still supposed to be working on the powerpoint together. Will hadn’t said anything to Nico since before the hospital. Nico wondered if he’d say something now, but Will took a separate laptop and sat down several feet away from him. Nico wasn’t sure if it was ignoring. 

_ “Well, that’s fine,” _ Nico thought. He didn’t want to talk to Will anyway. 

The two of them worked in silence for the period. Nico watched his screen. The other cursor on the page blinked, the name “Will Solace” above it. Nico found it hard not to stare at it. He focused on his own work.

Coach Hedge loudly dismissed the class, and Nico went to the locker room. Upon exiting it he found, for the first time in months, no one was waiting for him outside it. The walk to his next class felt a lot longer. 

The next day continued the same way. 

On the third day, Nico noticed Jason, very conspicuously, trying to catch his eye before class started. 

“What’s up?” Nico asked. 

“I have a message from Leo.” 

“What is he, a magician?” Nico asked, looking around, as if expecting Leo to jump out from behind some piece of furniture. There wasn’t any furniture in the gym.

Jason snorted. 

“Don’t give him any ideas. Anyway,” he regained his composure. “He wants to let you know that you’ve been formally invited to his end of year bonfire.” 

“But I’ve never even met him,” Nico protested, slightly surprised Jason had even remembered his vague promise from months ago. 

“Several people have put in good words for you,” Jason winked. Nico tilted his head to the side. This must be some social cue he wasn’t picking up on. “Not that it really matters. Leo pretty much likes everyone. So congratulations,” he concluded. “You’ve passed the very, very easy test.” 

“I’m honored,” Nico said, only semi-sarcastically. 

“It’s on the twenty seventh, which I think is a Friday,” Jason mused. 

“Who’s hosting?” Nico asked, remembering that Leo lived in an apartment. 

“Will.” 

Nico physically deflated. 

“Yeah…”

“You don’t need the address, do you?” Jason asked. 

Nico raised an eyebrow. 

“What do you think?” 

Jason put up his arms. 

“Hey, man. I don’t know your life.”

Nico looked over to look at the boy in question. Will had pulled a laptop from the stack and was seemingly hard at work. Knowing him, Nico was willing to bet any amount of money he was actually on his dragon collecting site. 

Jason followed his gaze. 

“Hey. I know it’s not really my business, but is everything ok with you guys?” Jason asked. 

Nico thought about it for a second before nodding. 

“You’re right,” he said. “It’s not your business.” 

“Ok, yeah. Maybe not,” Jason said. “But you know. If you ever wanted to…”

Nico walked away. 

“Yeah, nice talking to you too,” Jason called after him. 


	14. 14

The next week was one of the worst. Finals week had finally arrived, and Nico felt exceedingly underprepared, despite the fact he'd spent the weekend trying to teach himself Horticulture. In between the tests, he spent all of his free time studying. He knew English was doomed, but Nico was fairly sure he would pass the rest of his classes. By the end of the week, he was convinced he, personally, was probably the worst student ever.

But it wasn't just his classes. Nico's studying was interrupted with the memory of his and Will's last conversation. It kept resurfacing, like waves licking the shores of a beach. " _Come find me when you're ready"._ The sentence had kept him up at night. It rang in his ears when he stole looks at Will as the two of them sat feet apart on the gym floor.

He and Will gave their presentation. Nico stood several feet away from Will and spent most of the time looking at the crumpled note cards in his hands. It was easier than looking up and accidentally meeting Will's eyes. Coach Hedge, who had seemed to have taken a liking to Nico, clapped loudly, and told him that he had definitely passed.

"Thanks," Nico said to Will, after the two of them had finished.

"Hey, yeah. No problem. I mean it's my grade too, you know. I wasn't going to ignore the whole thing."

Nico didn't say anything else.

" _That was your chance,"_ he berated himself on the lonely walk to his next class. It had been the perfect opportunity to say something, anything. Even "I never want to see you again" would have been better than silence.

It was the last time he had class with Will. He spent the rest of the week looking for him in the halls, but he could never find him in the mass of students, and finals week drew to a close without incident.

As soon as he got home that Friday, Nico collapsed on the floor. Mrs. O'leary walked up to him and began licking his face, condernadly.

"I feel this great weight lifted," Nico called out. "I can't believe I'm done."

"Do you think they put up grades yet?" Hazel asked. Nico heard paper rustling in the other room. She must have been unpacking her bag. Hazel worried about her classes to an excessive level, but she'd never gotten anything but an A all the way through school. Nico supposed the joke was on him.

"No!" he called back.

"I'm just so-Nico?" Hazel asked, coming around the corner and seeing him on the floor.

Hazel exhaled loudly.

"I can't believe you're laying on the floor. We all know no one in this house mops."

Nico looked up. His eyes focused on the ceiling light. He would have loved to lie there for the whole of the summer, but tonight was the night of Leo's big party.

He could have stayed home, but he really wanted to go burn all his homework. However, the idea of attending a party at Will's house made him reconsider. He wasn't going to be able to avoid him in his own house, no matter how many people were going to be there.

" _Go there and kiss him,"_ he thought. " _It'll be just like the movies."_

It would be just like the end of a movie. It would be a fitting cap to the end of a story, but Nico's life wasn't going to end that night, Will had made sure of that. He would have to get up the next day and pick up all the pieces of his shattered relationship.

Nico picked himself back up and walked into the next room to find Hazel wasn't alone. Frank's large baby face was staring back at him, a look of mild concern on his face. Nico felt a little embarrassed about lying on the floor. He leaned back against the doorframe, arms crossed and watched Hazel sit down at the kitchen table. She and Frank were looking at a piece of paper. She had a pencil tucked into her many curls. The two of them began talking in hushed voices, completely ignoring him.

Nico cleared his throat.

They looked up at him again.

The two shared a significant look, and then Hazel two of them came around the table, so they were standing directly in front of Nico.

"Hello," Frank began. "At this point in time, I would like infor-"

"What is going on?" Nico interrupted. He felt like he was about to get jumped.

"If you let him fini-" Hazel started

"Why is he so forma-"

"Can you listen?"

"I _am_ listening."

"You're doing an awful lot of talking-"

"We're dating," Frank cut both of them off. "We wanted to let you know...officially," he tacked onto the end.

Nico's words died in his throat. He suddenly felt very thirsty. He went to pour himself a glass of water. He thought that it couldn't have been worse. It wasn't really Hazel's fault, but why did they have to make things official now? A week ago it could have been the other way around. It could have been him and Will telling Hazel they were together. Now Nico didn't know if he'd ever be able to tell anyone.

"Ok," he decided.

""Ok"?" Hazel echoed.

"Do you need my blessing?"

Nico tried to make his voice sound as gentle as possible. He wasn't angry, and he didn't want to give his sister the wrong impression. He put the empty glass down on the counter and stared at the light reflecting through it. The view through the glass distorted the room, stretching it out in a curved, blurry image.

Frank shrugged, tilting his head to the side.

"Well, he took that well," he said to Hazel, apparently missing the pained look on Nico's face.

"Yeah, not bad?"

Nico tore his eyes away from the glass.

"What's the paper for?" he asked, eager to switch the conversation to literally anything else.

"It's an outline," Hazel said. She looked down at the paper, pushing her hair out of her face. Frank came over and stood behind her.

Nico read a few lines and laughed.

"You're trying to script out what to say to Dad?"

Hazel and Frank looked sheepishly at each other.

"Kind of," Frank said.

"It was my idea," Hazel elaborated. "We were going to try it on you, but we're not finished with it yet. We can't decide if we should put the plea not to be killed at the beginning or save it for the end."

Nico rolled his eyes. It was sickeningly adorable.

"Can you help us practice?" Hazel asked.

"Absolutely not," Nico countered. "This is the first day of summer. No offense, but I'm not spending it on your love lives."

"Please," Hazel asked. "Didn't you practice before you came out to Dad?"

"No," Nico said. "I just kind of did it. I think he already knew. Come on, he won't care."

Hazel and Frank didn't look like they believed him.

"He's scary looking, not evil," Nico tried.

Nico wondered why he was even bothering. The two were clearly set on their plan. He couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy as he watched the two of them hold hands as they talked about the best way to break the news to his dad.

" _Come and find me when you're ready"_ crept back into his mind. What _did_ it even mean? It shouldn't have been difficult to understand, Nico knew, but still the meaning eluded him. What did "ready" mean?

It could mean "when you've gone through the extensive therapy _I've_ decided you need". It could have meant "When you've sorted your life out a little more and studied for Plant Class". Maybe it simply meant "When you're not mad at me anymore".

Nico didn't feel "ready" whatever it meant. And yet something intangible was growing inside of him. He could feel it. It was something heavy and longing. It was different from the sadness he usually felt. It was more wistful.

It was heartache, and it was killing him.

* * *

He gathered all his homework into several folders and tucked them under his arm and set off in the direction of Will's house, his mind made up. As soon as he answered the door, Nico would tell him. What he wasn't exactly sure, but it was going to include "I still want you".

It wasn't Will who opened the door when Nico knocked. In his place was a Mexican kid, almost the exact same height as him. His hair was wild and he seemed to have charcoal dust smeared on his face. He smiled broadly and extended a hand right away.

"Leo," he said, shaking Nico's hand, a little too excited. His arm was nearly pulled from its socket.

"Nico," he managed.

"Oh, I've heard all about you."

He talked fast, the words blurring together with hardly any space between them.

"Good things, I hope?" was all Nico could think to say.

"Way too many. Come in," Leo said, stepping aside. "Almost everyone's here."

Nico followed him inside. He's never seen this many people in Will's house. They lined the walls, talking and laughing with each other. Several of them were holding cups or plates with food on them.

"Will's big on drug free things," Leo said as they walked through the house. "So if he asks, there's no alcohol here. But, like, you know, it's only if he asks."

Nico snorted. He wondered if this happened every year and if Will ever believed it.

"So, I don't know how many people you really know," Leo continued, as they headed outside. A huge fire pit had been set up on the patio. The flames were roaring, and yet more people were standing around it. As Nico watched one of them threw in a worksheet of math problems.

He looked around and realized he recognized several people. Percy Jackson was standing next to his girlfriend, Annabeth. The two were walking to another boy with a thin, wispy beard. Brown, curly hair poked out from under his rastafarian hat. He was crouched down next to the fire, poking it with a stick. Percy must have said something to him, because he looked up and laughed before getting up. The three of them walked off.

"But, yeah," Leo said, not seeming to have noticed anything. "We're all pretty chill, so don't worry about it."

"Leo!" someone called.

Nico turned around and found a very pretty girl. Her long, caramel colored hair was pulled back and she wore a plain, white shirt.

"Hey, I got to go," Leo said. "See you later. Nice meeting you."

Leo left with the girl.

Nico looked around again. Surprisingly, he saw Chris Rodriguez was one of the kids at the fire pit.

"Hey," he said, walking up to him and pulling out several pages of English notes. "I didn't know you were going to be here, or I would have brought my deck."

Chris looked up.

"Oh, hey man," he said. "I mean, I do other things too."

"So, how do you know Leo?" Nico asked.

Chris shrugged.

"I don't really. He's friends with my girlfriend's sparring partner. She invited me, but ditched last minute, so here I am."

Chris threw another piece of paper into the fire. It crackled and curled instantly. The page slowly turned into black ash.

"Still cool party though," Chris continued. "I hear the Stolls have got fireworks."

"Cool," Nico said, hoping it didn't sound too apprehensive.

Chris and Nico burned more homework as they talked. By the time Chris declared himself too hot to stand around the fire anymore, Nico's stack was half gone. He said goodbye and went to find someone else to talk to.

He hadn't seen Will yet. His stomach twisted as soon as the thought crossed his mind.

In the living room, a lot of kids were sitting in a big circle. It took Nico a few minutes to realize they were playing _Werewolf_. Nico really liked _Werewolf_ , even if he didn't play it very much. It was a pretty simple game where some of the players were towns' members and the others were werewolves. The town was trying to kill the werewolves and the werewolves wanted to eat the town. The game often devolved into shouting matches between players. It was always well received.

Eager to see anything that made sense to him, he hung around the edge of the circle. After a few minutes he asked the moderator how long before the next game started. The moderator introduced himself as Malcolm Pace, and he and Nico had a good time watching the group play the game.

Jason, Piper, and Austin were all in the game. Jason and Austin died early on. Piper fared far better. She was great at convincing the rest of the players who was the best to kill. It would have been great if she hadn't been a werewolf. She won the game almost single handedly.

Nico joined in the next game. He knew it was just another distraction, but it helped to calm his nerves. The mechanics of the game were so easy to understand. If only life could be this predictable as well. After getting killed early, Malcolm asked if he wanted to mod for a while. Nico agreed and ran the next three games, until Malcolm came back and took over. He and Austin left to go get something to eat.

Leo had set up everything on Will's counter.

"What is this?" Nico asked in disbelief, as he looked at one of the bowls. It was filled with long, twisty puffed corn.

"I don't know," Austin said, putting handfuls of chips onto a plate.

"No, I know what they are," Nico said. "I'm just surprised he even found some here. They're Fonzies."

"Why'd you ask then?" Austin asked.

"Oh my God," Nico countered. "It's just an expression."

"Yo, I'm not your punching bag," Austin said huffily.

Nico left Austin crunching loudly by the table. Now that _Werewolf_ had ended, the nervousness had crept back into him, making him feel nauseous. It would have been impossible to eat anything.

He went back sun had started to go down, casting the lawn in an orange light, exemplified by the fire light. The flames had climbed to a dangerously high level. It looked like there wasn't enough room in the fire pit. Pieces of half burned paper were scattered across the grass. They must have blown out. Kids were still throwing their homework in though.

Percy and the Stoll brothers were running across the lawn throwing water balloons at each other. The guy in the rastafarian hat had set out several scraps of food and was trying to convince the birds to leave the safety of the trees and come sit by him instead.

He was still leaning against the wall when he heard voices coming from the half open door. As he strained his ears, Nico caught a few words.

"...about last year..."

Nico thought he recognized the voice. It sounded like Leo.

"...not hosting again next year."

That one was Will. Nico didn't need to look: he would have recognized it anywhere.

"Come on," Leo protested. "You're house is perfect, and you're parents aren't home."

"I won't be here next year..." Will's voice faded away, drowned out by background noise. Had Nico heard correctly? It was impossible to pick anything else up. After a few seconds he thought he heard:

"...text you later."

That was Will. The voices were growing louder again.

"Sounds good, man...can you pass these out? I'm trying to get everyone to feast off the burnt offerings. I got this whole speech planned."

"It's not the fucking Caesar speech again. No one ever gets it. Shit, man. You got all year. You can't ever think of a new one..."

Nico strained his ears, but if anything else was being said, he couldn't hear it. He leaned closer, trying to catch the conversation.

The door swung forward, catching Nico off balance. He stumbled sideways a few steps, knocking over a potted plant. It tipped over spilling dirt over onto the patio.

"Screw plants!" he yelled.. He bent down to put the plant right again. It was kind of stupid to be yelling at a flower pot.

He heard a small laugh.

He looked up to see Will standing a few feet in front of him. He was holding a bag of marshmallows in his hands and a bemused expression on his face. The corners of his lips were brought up in a small smile. He must have been the one to come through the door.

"Horticulture final not go well then?"

Nico desperately tried to straighten the hem of his shirt. He only succeeded in wiping dirt over himself.

"You think?"

"Could you, at least, assault your own plants?"

"Um, yeah," Nico found himself saying. He cast his mind around. Think of anything. Just say anything.

"Sorry," he said after a moment.

Damn it. Anything but that.

"No, no it's fine," Will said, much more quickly than normal. "I mean, well...see you around?"

He turned to go.

"Wait," Nico called out after him.

It seemed like an eternity passed in the second it took Will to turn around.

In that second, Nico could feel his mind racing. He hadn't actually thought of anything to say after "wait". He needed something that Will liked talking about. Maybe then he would go on one of his ten minute long rambles and Nico could listen quietly with the occasional "oks" and "I understands" thrown in.

"Your project?" he asked. "What happened to it?"

"My what?"

"Your film project with Kayla? We never finished it."

"Oh, don't worry about it," Will said nonchalantly. "I talked to the teacher. When he heard you were in the hospital, he let me turn it in the way it was. Yeah, not much of an end, but it's done."

"Tell Kayla sorry," Nico said.

Will shrugged.

"She's here somewhere, you could tell her, but really it's fine. I bought her ice cream."

"Oh."

Nico wished he could have said something smarter.

"The rest of your finals go well?" he asked.

"Can't complain."

"And, um, your dragon game is still going on?"

Will shook his head, exasperated.

"Oh my God, how am I ever going to make you work?"

"What?"

Nico narrowed his eyes. The butterflies had returned, and he found them much harder to ignore this time. He forcibly pushed the smile from his face.

"Did you want to go somewhere a little quieter?" Will asked.

"Ok, he agreed.

* * *

The sounds of the people downstairs were considerably muffled when Will shut his door on them. His room looked much the same, Nico noticed looking around. Everything was still on the floor, but Nico saw the bow hadn't been put away from a few weeks ago. It was leaning up against Will's desk, a blanket half draped over it.

"Did you want to tell me?" Will said in a much more serious tone. "What happened?"

Nico knew what he was talking about. It was about his recent, brief hospitalization.

"Nothing."

It was technically true. If he were to think about it logically, then nothing really had happened.

Will's face got even darker. He looked almost angry.

"How can nothing have happened?" he asked.

His voice was much stronger. Nico wondered if it would carry down the stairs. Probably not, unless everyone else had stopped talking.

"I-mmh-I-really?" Will asked. He put a hand to his wrist like there had used to be something there, but the woven bracelets had been snipped off. "You're not, like-how is that possible?"

"I guess I wasn't that bad," Nico said, thinking of the doctor and the several truths that might not have been entirely true.

Will shot him a very doubtful look.

"So you're not on medication?" he asked. It sounded like he was fighting to keep his voice calm.

"No."

"And you're not in outpatient or any therapy at all."

"No," Nico said. He knew he probably should be.

"This is bullshit," Will concluded, his voice rising again. "I'm taking you myself. Fucking useless school."

He made a move as if to reach out for Nico's hand but seemed to think better of it.

He sighed and pulled his hand back. The angry expression seemed to melt away. It was replaced by something unreadable. It could have been pity, but there was something in the way his eyebrows curved up, that made Nico think it was something else: something kinder, more understanding.

"Here," he said in a much gentler voice. "Come sit with me."

He sat down on the side of the bed. Nico joined him, resting his feet on the frame so that he could rest his arms on his knees.

"Sorry," Will started. "I know I said I wasn't going to ask."

There was a silence in which Nico found himself staring at the wall.

"Do you know how hard it was to "come find you"?" Nico finally said.

Will hummed, noncommittal to an answer.

"Why did you tell me that?"

"What do you mean?"

Nico wasn't looking at him, but he could by the tone of voice that Will was surprised.

"It took me months the first time."

"I was just trying to give you space."

"Stop. Stop holding me at arm's length. I don't want that."

"I thought-"

"I will _tell_ you if it's too much," Nico said. "Because I…" he broke off. He had almost said "because I need to feel wanted".

Nico felt his face grow red. He put a hand to his face. It covered his eyes for a second before he let it drop to his mouth.

"Nevermind," he mumbled into his palm.

He felt an arm wrap around him.

There was another silence. It stretched out, filling the space between them.

"You're too quiet."

Nico would have liked to protest, but he secretly agreed. Most of what he thought went unsaid. He knew he hadn't always been this way. He had been borderline insufferable with all the questions he had used to ask. He didn't know when the internal filters had started, but just like everything else in his life they had grown larger the more time passed until they had started slowly suffocating him.

The thought of a large, unstoppable force bearing down on him, pressing him from every angle made him feel nervous. The room suddenly seemed a lot smaller. His breath came in quicker and quicker bursts. It was getting harder to keep any air in his lungs.

Nico felt the arm around him tighten, tugging him backwards. He fell, so he was looking up at the ceiling. Will was lying next to him. His fingers began to slowly comb through Nico's hair. The repetitive motion of it calmed him, and Nico let himself sink into the mattress. The weight on his chest seemed to lessen. His breathing returned to a normal, steady rhythm.

"Tell me something about you."

Nico tried to think of something. Something that would satisfy the need for "personal feeling" and yet still safe and incontestable. Something there couldn't be any deeper meaning derived from.

"I once tried to summon a ghost," he finally settled on.

"Did it work?" Will asked.

Nico turned his head and shot him an exasperated look.

"Of course it didn't work."

"You never know about that type of thing," Will said. "So, what did you do?"

"I dug a big hole in my yard one night and threw a bunch of McDonald's food in it and then I read a spell I got off the internet. Nothing happened. My dad found out the next day and yelled at me," Nico said. "Well, not really "yelled". He seemed kind of sad."

"Was this after your sister…?"

Nico paused for a moment.

"Yeah," he finally said. His voice was barely louder than a whisper.

The fingers stopped moving through his hair. Nico wondered if he had said something wrong.

He felt himself being pulled in so quickly that his legs knocked against Will's side. His face was buried in the blankets of the bed, tucked up against Will's neck. He could still feel Will's hand in his hair. It was holding him.

"I'm sorry," Will whispered into Nico's hair.

"What for?"

"Because I don't realize when I'm doing dumb shit. I wish I understood you better."

Nico thought about it for a second. He didn't know what Will wanted to hear, and he wasn't even sure if he had an answer to give. He didn't want to tell him how scared he was that one day Will would leave him.

The feeling had been with him for so long. It had slowly consumed him, gnawing into and through his soul over the years until Nico was sure there wasn't much left of him anymore. He tried to remember back to when he had first felt it. When had been the first moment he had wanted to cry out "don't leave me".

He didn't have to think hard about it. It had been the day of Bianca's funeral. He distinctly remembered how he had felt like he had been buried along beside her.

But that had been so long ago. It was more like the ghost of memory than anything, one that was growing blurry at the edges the more Nico tried to remember it. The more he thought about it, the less and less there seemed to be. He couldn't remember where the funeral had been held or even what his sister's face had looked like the last time he had seen her.

Nico tried to think back to what his last memory of her was before the funeral. There wasn't anything. The best he could do were some vague flashes of the two of them, but he didn't know if he actually remembered anything. Was he simply remembering old photographs he'd seen?

There was no way he could explain it to someone else. Nico wasn't even sure why the idea upset him as much as it did.

With great effort, Nico pulled himself back out of the past. He focused on the present, trying to take in everything that was going on in that exact moment in time. He was lying at an awkward angle on Will's bed. Will was still next to him, cradling him gently. His hands had started absently combing through Nico's hair again.

The air around them had grown cold with the setting sun. Nico would have normally sunk into his jacket for a feeling of comfort, but he felt much warmer here, safely wrapped in Will's arms.

He lifted his head off the bed, struggling to bring himself into a sitting position. Will let him go, and Nico almost immediately began to miss the warmth he brought. He arranged himself so that he was sitting cross legged on the bed. Will copied him, so that their knees were touching.

"What is it?" he asked.

Nico leaned in, kissing Will. He hoped that somehow it would make sense. As if the way he moved his lips could make up for all the silence, and that it in itself was telling Will something about him. He hoped Will could pick up on what he wanted to say, but had never found the right words to.

Understand me this way, he could feel his body pleading as it drew him closer. Will seemed surprised at first. It took a moment before he kissed back. When he did it was soft, like he was trying to delicately pick up and sort through the information Nico was throwing out all at once.

Nico might have been imagining it, but he couldn't help but give meaning to how Will's hands traced lines into his skin. They created electric currents starting at his cheek and then jawline before trailing down his neck to his collarbone.

The touches were reassuring, as if they were saying Will was still right there next him. That as soon as Nico opened his eyes he would still be there, and how he would continue to stay with him for as long as he wanted.

BANG!

The sound shook the house.

Nico's eyes snapped open. He jumped back, trying to find the source of the sound, but nothing looked different.

"What's going on?" Nico asked, panicked. The sound was still throbbing uncomfortably in his ears.

"It's the fucking Stoll brothers," Will said, leaping to his feet. He opened the window and looked out. Nico glanced over his shoulder. The dull sky above them looked smokey. Down on the lawn several people, including Leo, were setting up another firework.

"Knock it off!" Will yelled out the window at the gathering crowd. "You're going to kill yourself!"

"Who you got up there with you?" was the reply.

"Fuck off!" Will called back.

He slammed the window.

"We gotta get down there before Leo sets himself on fire," Will decided.

He drew Nico in and kissed him again before heading for the door.

"He didn't tell you about the fireworks?" Nico asked as the two climbed down the stairs to the rest of the house.

"He told you?" Will asked. "I've known him for years."

Nico thought of Leo's warning not to tell Will about any alcohol. He was tempted to tell Will that it was _because_ Leo knew him that he wasn't telling anything.

Nico hung back watching from afar while Will went off to convince, and then fail to convince, Leo that what he was doing was a bad idea. Leo, along with the rest of the crowd had been absolutely delighted by the first firework. The rest were quickly set off afterwards.

The sky became an abstract painting with reds, greens, whites, and blues smattering the grey canvas. Dusty smoke trails flicked through the colors. Nico decided he disagreed with Will about their necessity. He enjoyed looking up at the sky alongside everyone else. Something about staring up into the never ending abyss seemed comforting to him. The loud bangs echoed through his body, keeping him fixed in that point in time, unable to look away from the rainbow of colors in the sky.

The party began to wind down after that. People began to leave. The house got quieter and quieter until only Leo, Jason, Piper, Thalia, Will, and Nico were left. The cold air made them all crowd around the fire pit, throwing in what remained of their homework. Jason had his arm around Piper's shoulders. The flames, one so high, seemed to be suffocating under all the ashes.

After a while, talk died away too, until they were all just staring at the fire, transfixed.

Piper whispered something to Jason. He nodded.

"We should go," he said, breaking the sleepy silence.

"Me too," Thalia said. "I've got work tomorrow. So does Jason."

Leo thanked them all for coming. Will didn't say anything. He was still looking into the fire, distracted. The light reflected in his eyes.

Nico left him there thinking it would be polite for someone to walk everyone else out.

Thalia hugged him before leaving.

"You're ruining this. We all left so you two could make out," she whispered in his ear.

"We already did."

She pulled back.

"Text me later."

Leo was inside packing up all the leftover food when Nico got back.

"Give me a hand?" he asked.

"Thanks for inviting me."

"Yeah," Leo said smiling. He seemed to be the only one with energy left. "Not a bad turn out. And no one got burned this year. You're invited again for next year. Bring whoever you want."

"Thanks, my sister-wait someone got burned last year?"

"Oh yeah," Leo said. "Poor Charlie. He didn't want to come back this year."

"I can't imagine why," Nico said.

Leo grinned.

"Because he graduated. Don't know if I'll still do it after I graduate. Hey, we'll see!"

Leo chattered on as they packed. Nico interjected a few words here and there, but honestly, Leo could have probably gone on by himself just fine.

Halfway through the packing Nico's phone got a message.

_Dad: I'm leaving to get you._

Nico helped Leo carry the food out to an old, beat up car. It seemed to be in perfect condition despite its age, and when Leo started it, it ran like a much newer car. Leo waved goodbye. The car sped down the street much faster than the speed limit. Nico saw it jerk to a stop at the light so fast Leo fell forward, only kept in place by his seat belt.

"He's not a very good driver," said a voice at Nico's shoulder. He jumped slightly to find Will standing behind him.

"I always feel like he's going to crash when I go out with him," Will added. "It hasn't happened yet. Anyway, any chance we could finish what we started upstairs?"

Nico thought about what it would be like to let the hands that had been so gentle on his face explore and trace over the rest of him. The idea was exhilarating, but there was something about it that scared him more. It almost felt like it would be too many emotions packed into such a short time that we wouldn't be able to feel them properly.

He shook his head.

"My dad is on his way to get me," he said.

So instead Will kissed him once more and put an arm around him as the two waited in the front entryway. It was only a few seconds before Nico saw the headlights through the open window.

On the ride home, Nico got another message.

_Will: Sorry it took so long._

Nico's heart melted.


	15. 15

The next few days passed quickly, and Nico felt himself feeling like he's spent them wrapped in an extremely comfortable fluffy blanket. He hadn't been able to see Will, because Will had been busy with what he called "start of summer preparations", but the two did text every evening. It was almost like everything had gone back to normal between the two of them, and Nico knew this was the best possible outcome he could have hoped for.

A few nights after the twenty seventh, Nico found himself lying on his stomach on his bed.

_Nico: Are you almost done over on your end?_

_Will: I think so_

_Will: could probs finnish up tomorrow morning_

_Nico: Good. I miss you._

_Will: Miss you too ;-; see u tomorrow?_

_Nico: Ok!_

It wasn't until Will arrived on his doorstep that Nico realized he hadn't thought of what they were going to. What did people do on dates?

"Well, we could go and eat somewhere," Will started "We could go downtown and see what's going on there, um, we could do something in the neighborhood. It's a nice day to be outside, um…"

"Or we could just hang out," Nico said.

A look of relief flooded over Will's face.

"Yeah," he said, breathless.

"I can't believe I've never actually shown you my room," Nico began as the two began to climb the staircase that led up to the second level of the house. He actually could, seeing as he never had people over, but it seemed kind of strange since he'd know Will for months. Nico reminded himself that he'd been desperately trying to shut him out for most of that time.

As they reached the landing, Nico was starting to feel a bit more uncomfortable. His room was his personal space. It felt a little like bearing part of his soul for Will to examine. Nevertheless, Nico swung the door open feeling like it was too late to turn back.

"Oh, there's your pomegranate tree," Will exclaimed, ignoring the clothes and pencils strewn across the floor. His eyes were instead fixed on the walls, where Nico had tacked up some of his pieces from the art class.

"It seemed kind of a shame to throw it out," Nico said, stepping in the room behind Will. It wasn't as bad as he thought. Instead, Will seemed to fit into the room as if he'd always been meant to have been there. It felt like something Nico didn't know was missing had suddenly slotted into place. The area seemed to grow warmer.

"Ooh, and you've got all these figures too," Will said, stepping over to the shelf where Nico had lined up all his RPG figures. He didn't play any RPG games, but he thought the figures looked nice, so he had a bit of a collection.

Nico let Will look at the figures for a bit.

"Kind of like your dragon collecting game?" Nico asked.

Will shook his head.

"Not even close, unless you've made up a shit ton of lore for them."

Nico conceded that he had not.

Will continued to look around the room, until he got to Nico's deck box on the top of his dresser.

"Do you want to learn how to play _Magic_?" Nico asked, watching him.

"Sure."

Nico felt his face break into a grin.

"Great," He said, taking his deck box from the dresser. He was glad Will had agreed, because he had no idea what else he would have suggested after. He didn't have a television or computer in his room, and he knew Will probably wouldn't be up for silently sitting next to each other reading.

Nico cleared a space on the floor and he and Will sat next to each other. Nico began explaining how the game worked. After a few minutes, he noticed Will's eyes had shifted to the cards in his hands to his face.

"Hm?" he asked.

Will shrugged.

"It's just...you look a lot happier when you're talking about games."

Nico could feel his heart sink slightly. Why did everything always have to come back to how unhappy he was, especially when he was feeling fine at that time.

"I guess it's because it's easy to understand them. I don't need to overthink anything, because I already know what everything does. So it's just putting it all together." His words were slow, as Nico struggled to put into words what he was feeling. People were hard for him. He could never really know what was going to happen next, and that scared him.

Will, too, had been thinking.

"That's sad, I think," he said.

"Because I've memorized all the cards in the deck?" Nico asked, trying to make the situation into a joke.

"Because you spend so much time thinking. You're trapped in your own head most of the time," Will said. "Like you feel like you can't trust people."

The statement hung in the air between them.

" _That you don't trust me"_ Nico thought. That was what Will had wanted to say. He was painfully aware of the last few cards clasped in his hands.

Will held out a hand, and Nico took it.

"I shouldn't of said anything," Will said. "You know I'm an idiot."

Nico allowed a small smile to cross his face.

"I'm sure I'll forgive you, but I'd forgive you faster if you come over here," he said.

A wide smile broke over Will's face, and he shook his head slightly, as he moved next to Nico, and pulled in into his arms. Nico rested his head on Will's shoulder, feeling curly, blond hair tickling his cheek. It felt nice, and despite the summer heat, Nico found himself wanting the warmth.

He wrapped his arms around Will's waist, and heard a small, contented sigh from Will.

He heard a soft voice just above his head.

"Can I kiss you again?"

Nico felt his stomach give an uncomfortable jump, as the butterflies returned in full force. He lifted his head off of Will's shoulder, and leaned in to kiss him.

Their lips met and, to Nico, the world around him vanished. He moved closer, tangling a hand into Will's hair, concentrating hard on the feeling of Will's lips moving against his. It wasn't soft like last time. It was hungry, like it wanted something.

He felt Will break the kiss. He began to place gentle kisses along Nico's neck. Nico felt his breath catch in his throat. A small moan escaped his lips, and he felt Will pull him closer, trailing the kisses down to his collarbone.

Will took hold of Nico's hands as he rose to his feet, pulling Nico up with him. Nico felt the now familiar sensation against his lips. He kissed back eagerly. Every second felt like a new burst of energy. Months of anger and sadness melted away one by one. Time was going backwards, to a time when he had never worried if there was something wrong with him.

He could feel hands running down his back, and his skin prickled at the sensation, sending tingles up his spine to the base of his neck. The hands began tugging up the hem of his shirt. Nico felt a surge of fear run through him. His mind was jerked unceremoniously back to the present. He didn't want Will to see his scars, the half healed cuts that ran up and down his legs in angry lines.

He pulled away.

"I'm sorry," Nico started. "I just...not right now."

He sat down on his bed. He put his head in his hands. He was such an idiot. Why hadn't he thought about his stupid cuts before? There was no way he'd be able to hide them forever.

Will sat down next to him.

"I should have asked," he said, putting an arm around Nico's shoulders. He felt Will place a kiss on the top of his head.

He straightened up.

"No, everything was perfect."

Will smiled, relieved.

"Alright. You're the one calling the shots."

Nico leaned into him, enjoying the feeling of just existing next to someone else. It was comforting, and it seemed to make his head a little clearer. It was so much easier to keep his mind from wandering when he wanted to stay in this moment.

"Here, do you want to explain why you're always turning your cards sideways?" Will asked. "I see you guys doing it all the time, and it never made any sense to me."

"Like tapping land?"

Nico looked at him, and he knew Will had no idea what he'd just said.

"I...sure?" Will decided.

Nico couldn't help but smile.

"See you soon?" he said much later in the day. The two of them were standing on Nico's porch out in the front yard. The sun was showing signs of going down, but it wasn't quite sunset yet. Nico remembered Will had called it "Golden Hour" once. It was something to do with the film class he'd taken.

"Of course," Nico said.

"I'll text you."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Nico."

Nico kissed him goodbye. He felt the same giddy sensation as he had before. It was fleeting this time. Then it was gone. And so was Will.

He closed the door behind him, and went back into the house. Hazel was sitting at the kitchen table. His dad was also there. The two were discussing something, excitedly. Nico's dad was moving his hands animatedly as he talked. Nico slid into the seat next to Hazel, and poured himself a cup of the iced tea left over from last night.

Hazel looked over.

"Ooh, have you checked yet?" she asked her eyes full of concern.

Nico shook his head, unsure of what she was asking.

"Grades came in last night," Hazel said. "At midnight. Dad and I were just talking. I've been recommended for all honors next year! AndI'll probably do them as long as I can keep up riding lessons. I don't want to get too overwhelmed," she finished, turning back to Mr. di Angelo. The two of them resumed their conversation.

Nico felt his good mood dissipate. Why did it feel like he could never just have one day where nothing bad happened. He didn't want to find out he'd failed all his classes, not today.

Hazel was still watching him pensively.

"Are you going to check?"

Nico pulled his phone out of his pocket, and went to the school's website, where the grades had been posted. He was probably fine, he told himself. He hadn't done that badly. It felt like there had been worse years for him, but he hadn't failed any of those classes.

He found the link leading to his unofficial transcript. A tiny "one" notification blinked back at him. He opened the hyperlink and quickly scrolled down to the bottom.

_Horticulture: F_

_Art 1: B_

_Ancient History: C_

_Algebra 2: C_

_English 2: D_

_P. E.: B_

_Intro to Life Skills: D_

Nico felt a sinking in the pit of his stomach. He had failed Horticulture. He was going to have to repeat the class. Nico wasn't sure he could stand to see the look on Mr. Brunner's face, let alone spend another whole year with him. It was going to be a constant reminder of how badly he'd done last year.

"Well?" Hazel asked.

Nico looked up at her and forced a smile.

"Yeah, looks good. No honors like you, but everything's fine"

Nico excused himself from the table as quickly as he could.

" _It's not like you weren't expecting this,"_ Nico told himself.

He'd known his final had been bad. He had known he had just been making stuff up by the end of the year. In a way, he had known he was never going to pass the class, but seeing it in writing was different. The tiny F stared at him from his phone screen. He closed the tab and cleared his history. The image of the F still burned into his eyes, even as Nico looked around his room. He needed to find anything to take his mind off the report card. His eyes landed on the _Magic the Gathering_ cards he'd left semi scattered across his floor.

He gathered up the cards. He slipped a few out of their plastic sleeves. He crumpled the cards in his hands and threw them into the trash bin.

" _It was such a waste of time,"_ Nico thought to himself.

It was just a stupid game; it didn't mean anything. What had he to show for it other than a horrible report card. Maybe, if he hadn't spent so much time on _Magic_ , he would have studied more. Nico knew that it wasn't true, but felt good to blame something other than himself. He glared at the rest of the cards still in the box. He couldn't quite bring himself to throw all of the cards out, but he wasn't going to touch them from now on. He picked it up and shoved it into his closet. They landed on the floor and bounced once before growing still.

He tried no to think bitterly of Hazel and her perfect report card. At this rate, Nico was sure she'd graduate before him.

* * *

The next day, Nico found himself sitting at the table in Thalia's apartment, holding an ice cube to his ear. He hadn't been planning on a spontaneous piercing. He had mostly been looking for any excuse to spend some time away from his family. Hazel had been happily bouncing around the house, talking about her plans for the coming year. He was sure she would have stopped if she had known, but telling her wasn't something Nico was willing to do. He wanted a few days before the school called him to tell him to retake the class. He wanted a few more days of pretending that he wasn't absolutely useless.

Thalia had been trying to convince Jason he would look really cool with earrings. Jason had flat out refused, saying he would never wear them. She had practically attacked him with the idea as soon as he arrived. Nico decided he didn't really care one way or the other, and so had agreed.

"So, it's going to hurt for a little bit," Thalia was saying as she disinfected a safety pin with the same brand of rubbing alcohol Nico used on his cuts. Nico looked away, trying to focus on something else. "But, it's going to look so cool. I've done this a ton of times.

A row of silver earrings stood out, against her black hair.

"I think you're trying to turn me into one of your extras for your band," Nico remarked.

Thalia grinned.

"Of course not," She said. "You'd need at least ten more before we'd let you in."

"And I don't play anything," Nico said.

Thalia agreed. She held out her hand for the ice cube.

"Ready?"

"Yeah."

It didn't hurt nearly as much as Nico had been expecting. He could feel a thin line of blood running down his skin, but there was no pain. The safety pin hung in his ear in a way that reminded him eerily of the drawing compass.

"You're pretty good at this," Thalia said, handing Nico his new earring. It wasn't anything special, just a small stud with a dark red center.

"Thanks," Nico said, adjusting his new earring. "High pain tolerance."

"We'll do the other one and then we can get out of here and do something."

By "get out here" Thalia had apparently meant, go back into the city. It was late afternoon by the time they arrived, so that Nico could see plenty of people walking along the sidewalk below on the riverwalk. A light summer breeze shook the tops of the trees that had taken on the unmistakable orange glow of sunset. Thalia was stretched out beside him, her feet swinging slightly over the side of the bench.

Nico leaned back against the bench as well. He put a hand to his pointer finger to twist his ring absently before remembering it was gone. He hadn't realized he missed it, but he wanted it back. He wondered where Will had been keeping it.

"You should get a haircut," Thalia complained. "Or at least start tying it back. You can't even _see_ any of my hard work."

Nico briefly touched one of his new earrings. His head throbbed dully.

"Maybe I'll get giant ones, so that no one can miss them," Nico said.

The two sat in silence for a second, watching the people walk along below.

"So, um, you've been good?" Nico asked Thalia.

"Oh, yes," she said. "I've done my first year of college. And hopefully my band takes off. I'm excited."

Nico didn't have the heart to tell her that he wasn't interested in her band in the slightest. He didn't want to tell her that everytime she brought it up, he would internally scoff. It seemed too impossible to ever work. He didn't understand why she was throwing so much time into something that was just going to fail down the line. It reminded him of the _Magic_ cards he had abandoned. Why had he spent so much time on nothing?

"But I can't leave Jason," Thalia said. "At least not before he's done with school. He only has one year left. I can get my Associates. I bet I can use the time to build up a bit of a buzz around here though. After that, well, he's got Piper…" she drifted off.

"You're leaving," Nico stated. It wasn't a question.

It made him feel kind of hollow inside.

Thalia exhaled loudly and shifted on the bench. She seemed frustrated.

"This year hasn't exactly been easy. Having to run a household, especially when last year, I was never even there to begin with. And then having to fight to keep Jason's dad from getting custody of him. Not that it was really that hard for anyone with common sense. I don't think he's even met him. He didn't come to Mom's funeral," Thalia said, and Nico could hear the bitterness in her tone. "And I haven't complained about how it wound up, because I know it's been hard on Jason too, but I do eventually want my life back."

"I wasn't upset," Nico lied.

He doubted he could have done anything about it, even if he had told the truth. Thalia didn't seem like the person to want to have a deep conversation about his emotions. She wasn't like Will. Besides, it wasn't like he and Thalia were best friends. There wasn't any feasible way to convince her to stay.

"What about you?" Thalia asked. "You're done with school. What you been up to? Other than getting some new holes poked into you."

Nico wrinkled his nose.

"Don't phrase it that way."

Thalia smiled, looking out over the water.

"Well, grades came in yesterday," Nico said.

Thalia hummed sympathetically, as she crossed one leg over the other. Her large boot hung lazily in the air, the chains clinking against each other.

"That's going to be one thing I'm not going to miss."

Nico briefly wondered if he should tell her about Horticulture. He didn't want her to know what a failure he was. Then he thought if anyone was going to judge him, it wouldn't be her.

"I, um, failed my science class," Nico said, not meeting her eyes.

"Oh, Nico," Thalia said, uncrossing her legs and sitting back up. "I'm sorry."

Nico nodded.

"It's really not fair," Thalia said. "The school system is a load of sh-nonsense. You know that?"

"It was fair," Nico said defensively, thinking of Mr. Brunner. "I never did the homework."

Thalia shook her head.

"It doesn't even matter," Thalia said. "So, you have to take the class over. So what?"

"Everyone's going to think I'm stupid."

"Nah, you're not stupid. I bet no one even notices," Thalia said. "Besides, lots of jobs don't even need a degree to begin with. I'm not saying drop out," she added hastily, seeing Nico raising his eyebrows. "But, like, trust me. It doesn't matter as much they hype it up in school. Just get out with a degree and you'll be all good. So what if you're not a good botanist. It's not like you were going to make a career out of it anyway."

It only made Nico feel a little better.

"Seriously, if I'd put worth only in my grades, I'd have a pretty low self esteem," Thalia said. "Dude, you can't think like that."

"I'm not," Nico said. "It just sucks, you know."

Thalia nodded.

"Yeah."

She checked the time.

"It's time to go," she said, getting up. "Come on. I've got a performance to get to." She looked sideways at Nico. "I don't think they'd let you in. There's just enough time to get you back home."

She got up from the bench and started walking to the motorcycle without looking back.

Nico followed her silently. Why did everyone always leave him? Even if Thalia wasn't quite gone yet, it felt like it. It felt like she'd lost interest in him, and Nico couldn't help but wonder if this was her way of politely telling him she didn't want him to talk to her anymore. A year wasn't that long. He was going to miss her.

Nico tried to keep Thalia's words about Horticulture in his mind for the rest of the day. Every time his mind looped back to his report card, he reminded himself: don't put your worth into only your grades. It was the hardest at night. Nico lay in bed, his hands twitching nervously, looking for the exacto knife.

" _Your grades do not define you,"_ Nico thought. " _You're going to be just fine."_

It was strange. The voice in Nico's head was so often the one hardest on him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd given himself a compliment that wasn't sarcastic. This was a side of himself he wasn't used to seeing. It was almost like there was a friend there with him.

" _Your grades do not define you,"_ he thought again. He found great satisfaction in the comfort the thought brought him.


	16. 16

Nico was awoken early by the sound of a large crash from downstairs. He bolted upright. He made his way downstairs, his eyes scanning the front hall landing.

"Hazel?" he called out, unsure.

"I'm ok," her voice echoed to him through the kitchen. "Sorry, did I wake you up?"

The kitchen counter was cluttered with baking ingredients, and Nico saw at once what had made the noise. Several mixing bowls were laying on the tile floor. Hazel was crouched next to them. She was wearing a green, floral patterned apron over her pajamas. To Nico, the sight was extremely endearing.

"What are you doing up so early?" he said, perching himself on one of the stools next to the counters. "It's the weekend."

Hazel stood up. Nico could see that her face was flushed.

"It's Frank's birthday," she said. Her arms were still clamped around the mixing bowl, and she was holding it to her chest. "And he's coming over today, so... I thought I'd make a cake for him."

"Are you going to burn down the house?" Nico asked. No one in the house was particularly good at cooking.

He reached out for the salt shaker, and began absently turning it from side to side in his hands.

"I sure hope not," Hazel said. She cast her big eyes on Nico, imploring.

"Want help?"

Her face broke into a smile.

"Thank you. That would be great. There's another apron if you want."

"Um, no, that's ok," Nico said. "Where did you even find the first one?"

"It was in an old box," Hazel said. She began to lay out measuring cups. "It was in my closet."

Nico's hands froze on the salt shaker. Nico thought his dad had gotten rid of everything years ago. How could he have missed a whole box? This must have been his mother's.

Hazel was still looking at him.

"Is everything ok?" she asked.

Nico smiled with great effort. It wasn't Hazel's fault. She didn't want to hear about the people who had lived here before her.

"Yeah," Nico said.

"You looked pale for a second," Hazel said. "You're not getting sick, are you?"

"I'm fine," Nico insisted. "Here. Do you want me to read the instructions for you?"

Nico spent the next twenty minutes reading out directions from Hazel's phone and finding the right measuring cups. Hazel happily chatted away about Frank as she stirred the bowl with an electric mixer. Nico, his eyes drawn back to the apron, couldn't help but wonder if this is what things would have been like if Bianca was still around.

"Ok, and now he we're supposed to add flour none cup at a time"," Nico read aloud. He squinted at the phone. "Sorry, _one_ cup at a time."

The one cup was still too much for the tiny mixer. Flour flew over the edges of the bowl, dusting Nico and Hazel. Hazel shrieked, and jumped back. The mixer was ripped from the socket. Nico spat out a mouthful of flour. He wiped his suddenly white eyelashes.

"Augh! Jesus christ, turn that thing down."

"Sorry."

"You had better _really_ like Frank," Nico grumbled. "I wouldn't do this for my own boyfriend, let alone yours."

"Nico!" Hazel cried.

"Yes," he asked, innocently.

"You didn't tell me!" she said. "Oh my gosh, really?"

Nico nodded.

"It's Will, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Nico said. It wasn't like he had ever had anyone else over for his family to meet.

"Nico, don't tell me that was how you came out to Dad. That was awful. Honestly, just the worst. No tact at all."

Nico grinned slightly.

"It was pretty much the same thing."

"But, this is so exciting," Hazel said, immediately switching topics. She fanned her face with one hand for a second. "I knew something was up when you went out to that movie with him."

"Woah, woah. That was nothing more than my love of _Deadpool_ ," Nico said. "It was totally platonic."

Hazel rolled her eyes. She couldn't hide the smile on her face.

"You realize you're going to have to tell me everything about him now. I can't believe you let me go on and on about Frank for so long."

By the time Nico had recounted and then re-recounted his relationship, the cake had finished cooking. Hazel stood over it, trying to frost it. The cake looked decidedly childish, but Nico figured that was part of the charm of it.

"So, are you going to tell dad?" Hazel asked. "About you and Will?"

"I guess," Nico said, shrugging. "When I see him."

"I will keep it secret then," Hazel said.

"It's not a secret," Nico said. "You could mention it to him. He might come find then. Any idea where he is today?"

Hazel shook her head.

Nico was about to say more, but he was interrupted by the doorbell.

"Think that's him?"

Nico went to check.

On the porch stood a familiar baby faced boy.

"Hazel, it's your boyfriend," Nico called.

He heard a yelp from the kitchen.

"I'm not dressed!" Hazel said, as if the idea of Frank seeing her in pajamas was scandalous.

Nico heard scrambling in the kitchen, and then Hazel flew past him and up the stairs.

Unsure of what else to do, Nico opened the door and let Frank in.

"Happy Birthday," Nico said, watching Frank taking his shoes off.

"Oh, um...thanks," Frank said, swaying slightly on the spot, one shoe still in his hand. "She told you?"

"Tell me? The kitchen's a mess," Nico said. "Come look."

Frank's eyes widened as he took in the mess of bowls and spoons on the kitchen counter. Nico was sure he noticed Franks eyes flick over him to the flour spilled on the flour.

"You didn't have to-"

"It was Hazel's idea."

"Thank you."

For the first time since they had met, the nervous look on Frank's face evaporated. He visibly seemed to relax. He seemed to lose several inches of height as he exhaled. Nico looked over the mess as well. The green apron caught his eye. It was lying, crumpled, draped over the side of a chair.

He felt his legs moving forward, as if it wasn't really him walking towards it. His fingers closed around the fabric. It was warn soft by the hundreds of times it had been scrubbed.

"Hazel's coming down," Nico's words shook. "I'll just put this away."

It was like reaching back in time. It was one of those brief flashes Nico would sometimes get. The kind that always came at the wrong time to properly remember them. When he tried to remember, he could never pull anything real. It was only when he didn't want any memories when they were shoved to the forefront of mind.

This wasn't so much a memory: it was a feeling. There was a hazy warm glow over it, in a way that must have meant whatever it was, it must have been good. There were no people, not even really a location, but the warmth of the house enveloped him. It could have been sometime in the winter, the house warmed from a running oven. It could have just as easily been summer, the light filling the house, spilling in through open windows. For just a second, the house seemed alive again, like Nico's mother was going to walk through the doorway. As quickly as it came to him, the feeling faded.

Nico felt a great sense of longing rising up within him. It had been real, and it had been something he had lived. The feeling was now tucked somewhere he knew he'd never find it again. He buried his face in the apron, trying to find something else. Anything that he could remember. Some memory that was actually his and not just an old story told to him.

The apron smelled of spilled flour and dust. It was old and worn out. There was nothing there. No hint of his mother. Like all of the old pictures, the only memory left in it was through sight.

Nico felt a few tears escape his eyes and drop into the fabric. They darkened it.

* * *

_Will: Wanna come see fireworks w/ me_

It must have been the fourth of July then, Nico thought. He checked the date on his phone. The days had begun to blend into each other. With nothing to do, Nico spent much of his summer in bed gazing at the wall across from him. He only got up when he had to, and the only person who called on him was Will. Will had been surprisingly busy, and so it would only be a few days out of the week he would even bother to get dressed at all. He spent most days in the same set of pajamas.

Nico glanced out the window. It was late, but the sun was only just setting, casting the trees outside orange and purple. A large van was parked on the street. He recognized it.

_Will: Because im outside ur house_

Nico felt the butterflies well up as he typed a hurried affirmative. He didn't bother to look at himself in the mirror. He knew he looked like he hadn't showered in days and that his hair was tangled. He hoped the darkness would hide him well enough.

"You alright?" Will asked, as Nico slid into the seat next to him. He must look extra bad today.

"Just tired," he said.

Will shook his head.

"No, it's too early. You can't go to sleep without seeing the fireworks."

"I'm not going to fall asleep," Nico protested. He wasn't actually even that tired. There was a difference between being tried, and having no energy, at least there was for him. It was far worse than simply being tired, because his mind was still active and working. It was just his body that was keeping him imprisoned in his bed. He had rings under his eyes that had refused to go away for days at a time.

"Ok, if you're not going to fall asleep, then I've got a hypothetical situation for you," Will said.

"Sure, what is it?"

"So imagine you're a part of a group of people and your group teams up with another group."

"Ok."

"And you're working together on a raid," Will continued.

"Is this present day, or in the past?" Nico asked. The word "raid" made him think back to the middle ages.

Will shook his head in a dismissive gesture. His hair shook, catching the light from the street lights.

"It doesn't matter," he said. "Anyway, during the raid, your group gets something, but the group you teamed up with says because they lead the raid, it's theirs. And now they say they're not going to help you anymore."

"This doesn't seem very hypothetical," Nico said. "It's a bit oddly specific."

"No, it's a hypothetical."

Nico thought about it for a second.

"It sounds like the start of the Iliad," he decided.

Will rolled his eyes.

"Don't tell me you've read the Iliad."

Nico shook his head.

"No, _The Song of Achilles_. A few years ago."

He neglected to mention just how much the book had spoken to the younger him. And how even though he had known how it was going to end, how sad he had been at the end. The last chapter had been about how Patroclus' ghost had been left behind, and forgotten. For many years it had been forced to stay on earth unable to pass into the afterlife. The idea had scared Nico. Not so much being forgotten by history, but the idea of being so alone and trapped. The sheer lack of purpose, only drifting aimlessly through time, no one able to hear him, being forced to watch everyone leave one by one.

"Ok, so am I, like, justified then?" Will asked.

Nico shrugged.

"In the analogy you would be the king that pisses off Achilles, and you almost lose the war because of it," he said. "You're not fighting over a girl are you?" he added.

"No?"

"At least that part's different then," Nico said, only vaguely interested.

"Do you think you'd curse them?"

"What?"

"The other group?" Will asked.

"Achilles?"

"Yeah."

Nico began to wonder if Will had read the book as well, or if history was simply doomed to repeat itself.

"Apollo did, and it didn't work out," he said. "Just give whatever you took back."

"But it's _ours_."

"What game is this? Is this _Skyrim_?"

"I _wish_ that _Skyrim_ was multiplayer," Will said. "Aright, so about what I was saying before: _Pokémon Go_ is going to be huge when it comes out," he immediately switched topics, apparently uninterested in any more talk of Mythology. "I could just catch you up on some of the show..."

"It comes out the day after tomorrow. I'd have to be sitting in your room watching _Pokémon_ nonstop."

"It wouldn't be nonstop. I'm just saying, you're going to miss a huge culture landmark."

"I will play the game," Nico said "when it comes out. And I'm going to be confused."

"I'm just so disappointed," Will said, dramatically, exaggeratedly waving his hands. The steering wheel was left dangerously unattended for several seconds. The car jerked slightly as he over adjusted. "We're here."

They had turned the corner and had run right into a wall of other cars. They were all sitting, parked over the long grass of a field. A few trees surrounded it, framing the blank sky. Some people had set out lawn chairs or picnic blankets in front of their cars, so they looked like makeshift camps. The sun had set almost completely, so that the only lights were the ones that the people had brought themselves. They dotted the field, looking like small clusters of white flowers on an otherwise blank canvas. Even though Nico knew they were just cell phone lights, something about how the way they moved, seeingly disembodied through the air made them seem like tiny floating lanterns.

Will opened the car door and immediately climbed up onto the hood of the car. The hood groaned in protest under him. Nico followed, pressing the soles of his shoes against the warm metal, so that he could prop his elbows on top of his knees.

He only had to wait a short time before the first firework went off, cresting over the tops of the trees. The loud boom that accompanied it was enough to shake Nico. He heard the sound vibrating through him, ringing in his ears. He caught his breath, forgetting for a few seconds about everything else. The lights reflected in his eyes, the bright flashes almost blinding him.

He sat, arms crossed over his knees, enraptured by the bright colors. It was hard to describe the way it made him feel. It was almost like momentarily stepping into a parallel world. Somewhere where the sky was loud, and yet more beautiful than anything he had seen. The large scale, and the grandeur of it all, gave him the same feeling as when he left his house, invisible covered by the darkness. Feeling insignificant, just for a moment, was so much nicer than constantly checking for other people's watchful eyes.

"Amazing, isn't it?"

Nico blinked, turning away from the sky, to find Will staring at him with a similar look of awe. He was sure Will hadn't been talking about the fireworks, instead watching them through the reflections in Nico's eyes.

"I saw you looking last time when Leo was setting them off," Will said.

"Oh, yeah. I thought you…"

"As long as I'm the one getting blamed if something goes wrong."

The air began to cool down, a breeze ruffling the long grass below his feet. Nico felt Will draw closer to him until their sides were touching. He felt the warmth radiating off of him, slowly filling every part of him. Nico leaned his head against Will's shoulder, turning his face so that he was looking upwards at the sky, still bright with color. He felt Will's arm reaching around him, keeping him in place. His fingers latched onto the hem of Nico's shirt, holding it, as if anything more would have been too much. The folds of Nico's shirt began moving over each other, tightening as Will subconsciously began rubbing circles into it.

Just over his head Nico could hear him speak. It was quiet, barely audible over the loud booms and cracks of the fireworks.

"Have I ever told you how much I like you?"

"Many times."

"It doesn't seem like enough," Will whispered. His voice was soothing, almost as nice as it was to sit with him. It made chills run through Nico, causing him to draw closer, pressing himself firmly into the distinct shape Will's body left.

"Hey," Will's breath tickled, as it moved the hair over Nico's ears.

"Hmm, what?"

" _Pokémon Go_ is coming out. You should watch the show."

"Oh my God. Stop," Nico said, but he didn't pull away. The two watched the sky light up, slowly turn smokey, and then dark.

* * *

"Have you downloaded it?" Will as soon as Nico sat down next to him in the passenger seat.

"Yeah," Nico said. "This morning."

"And? Is it awesome?"

Nico didn't have the heart to tell Will that since he had never been into _Pokémon_ , he didn't feel much of a connection to the game. Not that he didn't think it was a cool idea, but he doubted he would play it for very long.

"It looks… interesting," Nico said, and Will nodded along energetically.

"Alright, I've got an nature path near my house," Will said. "I've been there a bunch of times."

"Look," said Nico. He had been looking out the window. On the side of the road, was a group of teenagers. They were grouped together and had their phones out. "I think they're playing too."

"Damn, they beat us to it," Will agreed, taking a second to glance at the group. "Everyone is going to be out today."

The nature trail was small, and so close to the road Nico could see cars through the thin layer of path looked like it had been cared for, but had let go years ago. Plants grew along the sides of the path, spilling over into the trail. It didn't really look like people came here often.

"Does this connect to anything?" Nico asked.

Will shrugged.

"I think the firehouse, but I've never walked down far enough to find out."

The two set off. The path twisted sharply off to the right, so Nico quickly lost sight of the cars, although he could still hear them. Will, focused on his phone screen, kept tripping over small branches and rocks. After the third time, Nico took his hand.

"I am going to need that back, like, as soon as I see anything," Will said. "Ooh, there's supposed to be an Oddish close by."

Nico had no idea what an "Oddish" was, or what it was supposed to look like. He found the trail itself more interesting than the game. Nico didn't spend a lot of time outdoors, but he liked this trail. The trees were dense enough to provide a consistent barrier from the street, but still let in a lot of sunlight. Vines covered the trees, trailing their leaves across, like a strange lattice. Nico wondered if he had really inherited his aunt's love of plants afterall. His mind flashed briefly back to Horticulture. It brought a new wave of embarrassment. Why couldn't he have been this interested in plants when he'd been in the class for it? Maybe then he wouldn't have failed.

Will let out an audible gasp, and pulled his hand out of Nico's.

"It's here!"

Nico craned his neck to get a look at the phone screen. On the forest floor was something that looked like a large blueberry with leaves growing out of its head. Will began widely swinging the phone around, making swiping motions on the screen.

"I got it!" he exclaimed after several seconds.

The Oddish was bouncing up and down on Will's screen.

"That's so fucking cool," Will said.

The next hour was spent in a similar fashion. Nico, rather reluctantly, had taken out his phone, but so far the only thing he'd caught were several Weedles. He noticed as he played that the app drained his battery.

"My phone's at 10%," Will said, echo's Nico's observation. "We should head back."

It was just past midday by the time the two returned to Will's car. Nico could see the street and the cars rushing along it again. Nico leaned back against the side of the car watching Will. He seemed to be checking the app one last time.

"Well," Nico said, trying to draw his attention. "Was it everything you hoped for?"

Will looked up from his phone.

"Oh, definitely, yeah. I just wished I'd charged my phone more. I kind of thought we would have been here for longer."

"Yeah."

"Well," Will said. "We don't have to leave yet."

He was standing so close, close enough so that his eyelashes were almost brushing against Nico's face. Nico closed his eyes.

"Kiss me," he breathed.

Nico felt a hand along the side of his cheek, trailing to his jawline, tilting his face up slightly. Nico's fingers curled around Will's outstretched arm, and his other hand rested against the side of the car, in an effort to steady himself. No matter how much he and Will kissed, Nico couldn't get over the feeling of elevation that came with it.

Will moved, covering Nico's lips with a kiss. Nico leaned into the kiss. Will responded by wrapping his arms around Nico's waist. Nico felt his skin tingle whenever Will moved his hands. He raised his arms so the crook of his elbows were nestled on Will's shoulders. One hand went to Will's head, pulling him closer to him. Will deepened the kiss. He bit down on Nico's lower lip, causing Nico's breath to catch in his throat. He felt his heartbeat race as his mind was blissfully pulled away from his life. This moment here was all he could think of. Everything but the sensation of Will's lips, his hands, his body pressed against his, blurred to the back of his mind, flickering around the edges, threatening to come rushing back, but unable to. It was so easy to feel wanted, to feel loved.

There was a buzzing sound.

Nico tried to ignore it, but it persisted. It was a ringtone.

He felt the kiss end. In his mind, Nico desperately tried to hold on to the sensation, but it began to slip away. His thoughts were beginning to come back.

"Hello?" Will said, cupping the phone to his ear. Nico noticed that he too, was trying to get his breath under control. " _Mom?_ "

He shot Nico a pained grimace and mouthed " _sorry"_.

"Yeah, hi. What's up?" he asked, breathless.

Nico waited awkwardly for a few seconds of nothing.

"Yeah. ok," Will was saying. "I know it's important. I'm sorry...no...right now?...no, no I'm not doing anything...ok, ok...bye."

He hung up the phone.

"I didn't know I'd changed my name to "Anything"," Nico said. "It's got a nice ring to it though."

"Shut up," Will said. "Look, I'm sorry, but I have to go back."

Nico felt his heart sink.

"It's ok."

Will leant down and kissed Nico one last time. It was quick. It was an apology.

"What do you have to be back for?" Nico asked, as he opened the car door, and settled himself into the passenger seat.

"It's just some of my mom's bullshit," Will said, but his eyes were focused straight ahead. "It's nothing, really."

Nico knew it wasn't. And it wasn't until the next day when he had whispered an apology that he was going to be too busy for the next few days to do anything, Nico couldn't help but wonder what Will wasn't going to tell him.


	17. 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone. So this is gonna be a your last trigger warning for the fic. To be clear, this is for the whole fic, not just a few chapters. Nothing too egregious happens in this chapter, but it's gonna get dark after this one. So if you need to dip, this is it. Thanks for sticking with it until now. Everyone else, I hope ya like dark, depressing chapters, because they're on their way.

July turned to August slowly. The sky was growing dark earlier and earlier, casting Nico's neighborhood in shadows. Nico was laying in bed, half asleep. He had been listening to music, but it had ended and now he was just listening to the muffled silence the headphones brought. The stillness of the world around him was calming in the darkness. The silence was interpreted by a dull buzz. He turned his phone over, preparing to mute it for the night.

_Will: Are you awake?_

_Nico: Yes._

_Will: I'm at the park._

_Will: Come find me._

Nico agreed, but, as he began to change back into clothes, he couldn't help but worry. This wasn't the first spontaneous text message he had gotten, but most of them had been when there had actually been time to do something, not past midnight. There was something in the short messages that made Nico feel uneasy, although he couldn't quite pinpoint what it was. Will had never mentioned wandering the streets, and it didn't feel like something he would do at all. When Nico left his house under the cover of darkness, it wasn't because he was happy. He had always been desperately trying to avoid something distressing. It was a short window of time when he could become invisible, go unnoticed, and escape from himself. He didn't know if there was something in Will's life that could make him act the same way.

He briefly wondered if the message had been salacious.

There was also something else. Snippets of an overheard conversation that made Nico think there was something he was missing. He had never asked, but the sentence "I won't be here next year" worried him. Nico wasn't even sure he had really heard it correctly, but he found himself thinking about it every time Will declined an invitation to spend time together, and gave a vague "I can't right now" explanation.

" _I should have asked him,"_ Nico thought, as he closed the door to his house and set off in the direction of the park.

Although summer, the air was much colder, and a slight breeze tugged at the sleeves of his shirt. He regretted not bringing his jacket immediately. Before he could freeze completely, the park came into view. The street lights light it well enough to make out a solitary figure on the swing set. Its' back was to Nico. It didn't seem to hear him. His footsteps were covered by traffic from the street next to the park.

"Up late," Nico remarked, sitting down on the swing next to Will's.

Will seemed to take little notice. He stared straight ahead, at the darkened lake. Nico lent forward to get a better view of his face. Will's mouth was brought down in a frown. The air of cheerfulness he usually carried was gone.

"Is something wrong?" Nico asked. His mind was going a hundred miles a minute, scanning over their last conversations, trying to find something, anything, to latch on to. There wasn't anything he could find as the catalyst for Will's sudden mood shift.

Will's hands fidgeted on the chains of the swing. It creaked slightly as he shifted forward and then back again, rocking slightly.

"Nice night," Will said. He was still looking across the grass, out over the lake. Nico followed his gaze, searching the water reflecting blue light from the street. It made the lake look like it was made from glass. He could see the reflection of the swingset, but he was too far away to see himself sitting on the swing. His eyes found a large rock near the edge, jutting into the water. He quickly averted his eyes, not wanting to think about the last time he was here.

"Yeah, I guess," Nico said, still trying to look anywhere but the lake. He glanced up at the sky briefly before setting on the trees off to his left.

"Probably won't get many more like it," Will said.

"Sure," Nico agreed, still not really sure where the conversation was going. He didn't like how definitive Will's tone was, like he, too, was living on borrowed time.

"What happened?" Nico asked, his heart hammering in his throat, because the sentence "I won't be here next year" was fresh in his mind.

" _Is it me? Did I do this to you? Are we going to trade suicide attempts until one of us actually dies?"_

"I'm not sure how to begin," Will said, still not looking at Nico.

Nico said nothing, waiting. Will took a deep breath.

"So, you know how you haven't met my mom and dad, right?"

Nico nodded.

"And how I told you they don't really get on too well?"

"Yeah."

"They're...not staying together," Will's voice sounded strained, like he was forcing the words from his throat. "And I've known for months. And I never told you…"

Will's eyes were still fixated on a spot thirty feet in front of him.

Relief washed over Nico. Whether it was from genuine care for Will's mental health, or an innately selfish desire that as long as it wasn't affecting him, he didn't care, Nico didn't know.

This must have been the secret Will had been keeping from him. He wasn't sure why he had bothered. Nico didn't live in a nuclear family. It wasn't like he was going to care if Will's parents wanted to start seeing other people.

Nico remembered that he should at least seem a little sad. Although he didn't exactly feel sorry for two people he'd never met, he did feel sad that it had made Will feel upset. That it had forced him out alone: made him feel like he couldn't stay in his house one second longer.

"I'm sorry," Nico said. He put a hand on Will's shoulder, hoping the gesture would say what he couldn't find words for. "What's going to happen?"

For the first time Will met his eyes briefly. Nico saw a flash of shock in them before Will looked away, lost in the darkness again.

"You're not going to yell at me in Italian again?" he asked.

"Why? Have you got a English to Italian dictionary on you?" Nico asked. "Why would I be angry?"

Will shrugged, and as did, he took his hands off the chains of the swing, like he had been bracing himself for Nico's reaction. It hurt to watch, guilt twisting his stomach uncomfortably. He didn't like that his reaction was something Will was scared of. He wanted to tell Will that he was sorry for everything that had happened that day in the hallway to the guidance counselor. He had been just as scared as Will had been, and that he had just kind of yelled because he had felt his life slipping away, and he didn't know what else to do. But neither of them had brought the incident up after the initial conversation that night at the party. Nico wondered if they ever would talk about it. Will had, for the time being, had sworn himself to silence on the topic, and Nico certainly wasn't going to bring it up. He had been ignoring that whole day, hoping to keep it buried. If no one ever said anything, it might as well have been an odd nightmare.

He reached out tentatively taking Will's hand. After so long outside it had grown cold. The nails were ragged, like Will had spent the whole night picking at them.

"I'm moving," Will said bluntly. "I'm going to live with my mom. She's already got a place picked out."

Nico was jarred so suddenly from his comfortable apathy it felt like he had left his stomach behind. The "I won't be here next year" line slotted in place. Will had meant he wouldn't be _living in the literal house_. Not that he cared what it meant now.

This was his fault.

Nico cursed himself internally for forgetting everything he'd been telling himself for years. The last few months had _tricked_ him into thinking that a normal life was about to become possible. He'd forgotten that he was supposed to live a cold existence. Because something like this was _always_ going to happen. No matter what, the people he loved were always going to leave him. All he was doing was getting more hurt in the long run.

He couldn't even be mad about it, because it was _his fault_. If he had been a bit smarter, he would have pieced together the situation. Or if he's been a bit braver, he would have asked " _Why do you always seem so sad when you're talking about your family?"_. If he hadn't been so wrapped up in his life the news wouldn't be hitting him this hard. Or if he'd ignored Will the first day he'd seen him, months and months ago, he would have been fine.

Nico hated how easily his emotions had taken over him. He should have just shut up and ignored everything, because at least then, he wouldn't have realized how happy he felt when the two of them were together.

Will was still talking next to him.

"It's not my choice. I don't want to leave you. And all my friends are here too. And I know I act like I'm great with people and shit, but I don't want to start over…"

Nico took in the words as if they were coming from a distance much further away.

"I've never lived anywhere else before. I don't even like my neighbors, but I think I'm even going to miss them too. I wanted to graduate with all my friends and spend my senior year with them. And take you to junior senior prom with me this time-"

"You know I wouldn't of agreed," Nico cut in, desperately trying to latch on to anything to make it seem like they were having a normal conversation. "I hate parties."

Nico thought he saw the smallest of smiles emerge before it was lost again.

"And take away my chance to see you in something other than jeans," Will asked.

"I mean, you've seen me in gym shorts," Nico said.

"Fuck off."

"If you've known for months," Nico asked, choosing his words carefully. " Why did you tell me tonight?"

Will kicked the ground in front of him. Mulch skittered across the ground, leaving an indent. Despite the traffic, the sound seemed too loud.

"I started packing up my shit tonight. You know, stuff I won't need for the next few weeks," Will said. "And, I don't know, it became too real, I guess. Some shit like that. Can't tell myself it's really far away anymore."

Nico exhaled through his nose.

"And I couldn't take it anymore, so I came here to be miserable," Will said, a note of dry humor in his voice. "And I watched the sun set here on this swing set. And then it was gone. And it went by really quick. And I said to myself "Why am I spending all this time being miserable? If I've only got a short amount of time left, why am I not doing something making me happy?" So I called you up."

"Because I'm super cheerful," Nico mused. "Yes."

Will shrugged.

"You are, in a way."

Nico wasn't feeling cheerful. His hands twitched instinctively, looking for some part of him to hurt. He moved them to his lap and turned his left hand over, exposing his wrist. His fingernails dug into it. Blood began to well in little pools. Nico closed his eyes, lost in the sensation. The pain felt familiar, almost comforting. His fingers of his left hand subconsciously wrapped around his right, encouraging it to press harder. Will was too busy kicking more mulch and didn't notice.

"I am not," he finally said, opening his eyes.

Will sighed.

"You fucking are. You've never seen how you look when you talk about that _Magic_ game, or you wouldn't say that."

Nico wrinkled his nose at the mention of _Magic_.

"Just because I'm a cringy fanboy…"

Nico didn't finish the sentence. He wasn't sure what else he could say. There wasn't anything he could do, and any words he thought of would ring hollow, empty. They were a meaningless gesture, that seemed pointless to say. He was sure Will would have already known everything he could have said. " _I wish you could stay"_ , " _I don't want you to leave me"_ , " _I'm sorry this happened to you"_.

Will finally broke the soft silence of the night.

"You've been, like, taking this too well."

Nico could have laughed, sitting on the swing, his wrist bleeding, but he didn't.

"Isn't it easier this way?" Nico said. He was unsure exactly what Will wanted from him. "You're the one who should be angry."

Will sighed. He threw his head up to look at the night sky. Nico followed his gaze. The sky hovered over them, wavering on the edges of navy and grey.

"I was, but I've had months to think about it," he finally said. His eyes were trained on the sky, reading it as if it were a map. "It's better this way. They weren't happy together. It just sucks, ya know?"

They sat for a few more seconds, and Nico watched him. Will was looking at the sky, his head tilted up, so that he was looking at his side profile. He let his eyes wander over his face. From the blue eyes that shone in the darkness over the slope of his nose and down, past his lips and to his jawline, set determined, as Will looked out over nothing. His hair framed his face, catching the light from the street. The blue light made it look almost white around the edges. He was remarkably, breathtakingly beautiful, but Nico knew it was more than how he looked that drew him in.

It was how remarkably comfortable he had always seemed. They way that his presence always made whatever going on in Nico's life seem less important. Will had always brought a calm wave of stunning reassurance.

Now all of that seemed missing. Will looked truly unsure of not just himself, but of the world around him. The chains of the swing boxed him in. Will seemed so much smaller: so much more like a scared teenager.

The uncertainty of everything seemed much bigger. There was a particular question rattling inside his head. He was reluctant to ask it. He was unwilling to crush the last bit of hope still inside of him. Nico let the question rest in suspense for a few moments before curiosity got the better of him. He had to ask, just to be sure.

"Where does this leave us?"

Will tore his eyes away from the sky. They rested on Nico's.

"Long distance is a thing," Will answered. "And I can drive down on weekends. I'm not moving out of state or anything. I'll be just far enough to be an inconvenience for absolutely fucking everyone."

Nico felt relief wash over him once more, but this time he knew it would last. Will wasn't willingly leaving him. He would come back, and everything would be the same as it had been. Nico would get used to seeing him once a week. He had no sooner thought of this when he realized he hadn't gone more than three day without talking to Will for the last six months. That even now, the two were loosely connected, holding hands over what felt like an impossible situation. He remembered the way his heart had ached during finals week, back when they hadn't been speaking. Surely he wouldn't feel that way all the time.

"How much longer do we have," Nico asked. He leaned forwards, slightly too close. The swing under him creaked.

"Two weeks," Will said. "I move on the 16th."

It was so short. Nico thought of all the times he had looked over at him in gym class that year, wanting, but not daring to ask him what he had wanted.

"Darn."

"What?"

"I should have asked you out," Nico said bitterly. "Like, actually done it, months ago."

"I should have asked you out," Will countered. "I legit thought you were into girls for the longest time."

"I'm pretty obvious," Nico said dryly. "But I appreciate you didn't assume. Very progressive."

This time the smile on Will's face didn't fade instantly.

"So tell me, Mr. di Angelo," Will said. He let go of Nico's hand, standing up from the swing and stretched. He turned around and raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing tonight?"

Now this. This was salacious.

Nico stood up, and took hold of Will's outstretched hand.

"Coming home with you."

* * *

Will's house was, as it always seemed, completely empty and silent. Only Will's room showed signs that anyone lived in the house at all. The floor was still littered with old game cartridges and dvd boxes. The closet doors hung open revealing a number of old jerseys, the kind too out of place to wear anywhere but a sports' game. A large cardboard box had been shoved unceremoniously to the corner of the room. Inside were a number of sweaters and other cold weather clothing.

The room was already starting to be dismantled. Nico understood why Will wouldn't want to have stayed here, the house silent, the box looming ominously in the corner. The reality of the situation hit him. In a few weeks, everything about this room would be gone. It would become a shell, lost in only what memories were held there.

He turned to Will who was still standing next to him. He seemed to be looking at the room as well.

He was going to have to stay here for the next few weeks as everything was packed and taken away. It would be slow, and it was going to hurt, because it wasn't just an old house, that was going to be left behind. The separation was that of a family as well. Nico remembered when his sister and mother had died, he had gone from seeing his grandparents and cousins a few times a year to maybe once a year, until the visits had stopped entirely. It hurt more to know they were still out there, living under the same sky as him, but they would never meet again.

Nico wondered if he, too, would be forgotten by time. If eventually, there would be nothing connecting him to Will anymore, and it would become easier to drift apart, become a footnote in each other's lives.

He looked over at Will. His heart fluttered as nervous butterflies returned. He wanted to reach out and touch him, just to make sure he was really still there.

"You're really leaving," Nico said.

"I am."

It was too hard to stay away any longer. He grabbed Will, pulling him down to his level, kissing him hard. It was frantic, so fast his mind had no time to catch up. He only knew he wanted to press all his unspoken emotion into Will's lips. He wanted to feel every tiny movement Will made, how hot his breath against his face was as he struggled for air. He wanted to feel him so badly that it hurt inside, and Nico found himself trying to memorize the moment in real time. He wanted to remember this night in perfect detail.

His hands raked over him, trying to reach every part of him. He heard Will whine low in his throat as Nico pushed past his lips, tasting the inside of his mouth. It was intoxicating, and he needed more. His hands entangled themselves in the curly hair, trying to pull Will even closer. He swayed slightly on the spot, standing on tiptoes, trying to get as close as possible to his height.

Unable to hold on any longer, Nico broke the kiss, sinking back down, hating that he was so painfully short. Will bent down, placing gentle kisses over his face, slowly working his way back to his mouth. When he finally covered his mouth again, it stole the air out of Nico's lungs. The kisses grew more intense, trying to to coax him back to the same level of ferocity as before.

"You're too tall," Nico gasped in between the light kisses.

Will caught up his hands, not missing a beat, and took a few steps back. He sat down on the side of the bed, pulling Nico onto his lap. He placed his arms around him, drawing him in. He had to look up to meet Nico's eyes.

"You tall enough yet?" Will asked.

Nico cupped his hands around Will's face, cradling him, holding him for just a moment. The way he was looking at Nico was almost as breathtaking as the kisses ahad been. There was something extremely delicate and soft in his expression, his eyes somehow much larger than they should have been. It was insanely hot.

Nico leaned down and kissed him again. It was strong and forceful and Will matched the intensity beautifully. It was everything Nico needed. He could hear the soft sounds Will was making and it was making his heart melt. The longing inside of him was growing by the second. He could feel himself being pulled closer as hands slipped under the hem of his shirt and over his skin. They traced his spine and caught on the grooves between his ribs, creating electric waves as they moved. He responded by taking a handful of the hair at the base of Will's neck and yanking it.

" _Pay attention to me,"_ he thought. He wanted Will to be completely enraptured, unable to move, completely focused on him, as Nico poured his soul into him.

He pulled his head back and started placing kisses along his neck. He could hear Will's uneven breath. His hands had stopped moving and now clung to Nico, the nails digging into his sides. Nico bit into his skin, causing Will to let out a small cry. He paused, unsure if it had hurt him.

"Fuck," Will breathed. "Don't stop."

Nico pressed his lips back against his hot skin, trailing kisses to the collar of his shirt. The hands gripping him disappeared for a moment as Will pulled his own shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor. His hands curled around the hem of Nico's shirt, waiting. Too inpatient for words, Nico removed his own shirt. He ran his hands over Will's bare chest and torso, and kissed him so forcefully that it knocked him off balance.

They fell backwards. Nico was lost in the moment. Even the idea of Will leaving too far away to see anymore, because he was here, just under him, his chest rising and falling against Nico. His arms surrounded him, keeping him in place, and making Nico feel more warm and safe than he had ever felt before.

He bit down over Will's bottom lip, more carefully this time and was rewarded with another low moan.

"Oh my God. I am, like, really into this side of you."

The words caused Nico to freeze. Before he could help it, he found himself pulling back, his face burned uncomfortably.

"Awww, did I embarrass you?" Will asked, pushing himself up slightly, just enough to kiss Nico. It was soft and impossibly tender. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Are you ok?"

"I'm alright," Nico said, annoyed at himself that he couldn't just take a compliment.

"Sorry, you're just really, very pretty."

Nico felt his face burn again.

"Stop," he whined, although he didn't really mean it.

Will kissed him again, slowly lingering over his lips and on the inside of his mouth. He reached up, his hand just bushing against the side of Nico's face. The light touch was tantalizing. His whole body shuddered with delight.

"We don't have to," Will whispered. He was so close that Nico could feel each word as it left his mouth and settled on him like butterflies. So close that Nico could hear his heart beating against his own. "We can stop right here if you want."

He leaned down so that his lips hovered over Will's ear.

"I did not come here to sleep."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so embarrassed. I can't write smut to save my life. 


	18. 18

It was the sunlight streaming through the open window that woke Nico. He groaned and tried to turn his face away, but he was too tangled into Will’s limbs to move. He settled for snuggling into Will’s chest. 

Will shifted above Nico, woken from the movement 

“Hello,” Nico said. 

“Good morning,” Will said, back grinning. 

“I should probably go,” Nico said. “I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving.” 

Will groaned and tightened his hold on Nico. Nico couldn’t help but lean into the touch. He could hear Will’s heart beat against his. 

“You’re just supposed to leave before I wake up if you don’t want to stay.” 

Nico didn’t say anything. 

“Alright,” Will said after a few seconds. He relinquished his hold, and Nico was finally able to sit up properly. He looked around and found the clothes he’d discarded last night. He checked the pocket of the jeans before pulling them on. His phone was there, but it didn’t contain any new messages. Just as well, Nico thought. He really didn’t want to talk to his dad about where he’d been. 

He finished dressing, and turned to Will, who had put his pajamas back on instead of new clothes. 

“Alright, I might be going right back to bed as soon as you leave,” Will said, seeing the questioning look. “My sleep schedule’s fucked right now. I’ll take you back.” 

* * *

His house was dark and silent, broken only by the dull snap as Nico closed the door behind him. He didn’t know if everyone was still asleep, or already gone. Mrs. O’leary was lying next to the front window, her head tucked neatly on top of her paws. She opened her eyes and her tail gave a feeble wag. 

Nico climbed the stairs to his bedroom. He found his “at home” sketchbook, really to have something to do more than anything. He sat down at his desk. The white piece of paper seemed to stare back at him, empty, but not nearly as empty as Nico felt. 

He didn’t understand. He’d basically gotten everything he’d wanted. So, why did he feel the same as he had six months ago? He might be happier some of the time, but the underlying weight he seemed to carry hadn’t gone. He could still feel it just under the surface, threatening to crush him. As soon as school started, he was going to be alone, with nothing to distract him. At least Thalia had been with him his Freshman year. She and Nico hadn’t talked since that day downtown. He hadn’t been able to pick up his phone and text her. 

What made him this way? Will called it depression, but Nico refused to believe it. All teenagers had “depression” but it didn’t mean anything because teenagers got upset over inconsequential things, only to be mocked by adults. And as they grew up, they realized they were “depressed” over nothing, and their depression went away. 

It was really his fault for not growing up yet. If he could just focus past how he was feeling, Nico would realize there was nothing wrong. It was so easy to tell himself, so easy to know, really  _ know  _ he was supposed to be happy, but he couldn’t force himself to  _ believe _ it. It was as if someone had put up a barrier made of glass in front of him. He could see through, he couldn’t break it. 

Frustrated, Nico pushed the empty sketchbook away. It slid off the desk, and landed, crumpled, pages splayed against the floor. Nico stared, eyes vacant, before leaning back in his chair, a hand over his face. He sighed heavily. The chair under him creaked, his sadness palpable, like it was sympathizing with him.

Nico stood and bent down to pick up the fallen book. Sharp pain pricked as one of the pages bit into him. He dropped the book. A red stain was shining, just visible from the paper cut, and Nico felt something inside him bubble up, along with the blood. It was the rush of excitement he always felt, tinged with fear.

_ “No, not again,” _ Nico began to panic. 

He rushed to find a bandaid and slapped it on. It hid the cut, but he could still feel it: the blood rushing to his hand, and the rhythm, growing quicker with his heart. His gaze rested on the row of nail marks on his wrist from last night. They were tiny, red half moons. They seemed almost too small, like they weren’t enough.

Nico tried to restrain himself. He needed to focus on something else, but he couldn’t find anything to take his mind away. 

The hydrogen peroxide stung more than the actual injury, but it didn’t hurt as much as the thought of what Will would say if he could see Nico now. 

Nico ran a hand over some of his older scars, running over the same pattern Will had traced into him last night. His fingers slid roughly over the raised skin, unable to move smoothly. There was no way Will could have missed it. He hadn’t said anything, and in a way, it was worse that way.

He was going to have them forever. It seemed stupid he had never thought about it before. He hadn’t ever cared. Now, the realization was crushing. Nico threw the exacto knife in the closet along with the  _ Magic the Gathering _ cards, but it was harder to forget than the cards. He carried constant reminders of it scarred into him. 

* * *

As much as he wanted to spend time with Will, Nico found it increasingly difficult, because of how hectic his life had become. He had never realized how many things needed to be done in order to sell a house, but the list Will brought up was borderline nauseating. 

“I just don’t understand why you need to paint your room,” Nico had said one day when Will had shown up with paint in his hair. 

“I don’t know either,” Will had agreed. “But the whole house is going to be beige. It was supposed to “look nicer”. Looks terrible now.” 

More than that, it was also the emotional distance, Nico felt every time the two of them were together. He never brought it up, but the unspoken idea of how little time they had left was always present in the back of his head. Will was still adamant that it wasn’t going to be that bad. Nico wanted to believe him, but it was hard to imagine how much time they were going to spend apart.

Still worse was the thought  _ “What if he gets bored of me after a while?” _ . Nico knew it wasn’t going to happen, and he hated that he still thought about it. He hadn’t brought it up to Will, although that wasn’t very surprising. There was a lot less talking when the two of them were together these days.

In an effort to do something useful, Nico had offered to help Will pack the rest of his things. 

“I honestly never thought I had so much shit,” Will said. “It all kind of hides in my closet.” 

Nico snorted. 

“Your stuff is mostly strewn over the floor.” 

“Well, it’s not easy when all the space is taken up by lego Death Star,” Will said.

“How do you have the patience for legos?” Nico asked. 

Will shook his head. 

“I fucking don’t. My dad gave it to me for Christmas years ago. He knows I like  _ Star Wars _ , but there’s a reason I’ve only got one set.” 

Will moved the piles of old jerseys to reveal a giant white lego sphere. He handed it to Nico to admire and went back to emptying his dresser, tossing the clothes, unfolded, into more cardboard boxes.

“You can’t break it,” he said, noticing how gingerly Nico was holding it. “It’s glued.” 

“Is it coming with you?” Nico asked. 

“Hell yeah. It’s cool.” 

Nico left the Death Star on the floor next to the bed and began to sort out all of the game cases on the floor. Most had the wrong game inside, and a few were just empty. 

“I think  _ Castle Crashers _ is still in there,” Will said, pointing at the xbox.

“Is it going to be hard not to have all of these for a whole week?” Nico asked, snapping the cases shut. The sound was sharp and methodical, almost rhythmic. 

Will nodded. 

“Definitely. And I already packed my PC.”

“I was being sarcastic.”

“Yeah, I know,” Will said. He picked up a sweater. It was green, fraying at the edges, with dancing snowmen on it. “I don’t think I’ll keep this one. You want it?” 

“Absolutely not,” Nico said now stacking cartridges on top of the discs . 

“Come on,” Will argued. “It’s a cute thing couples do. You can steal all of my clothes, and I can pretend to be upset about it. But actually I think it’s adorable, but eventually I’ll have to draw the line when I get down to, like, three outfits.” 

“That’s a straight couple thing.” 

“It’s not!”

Nico studied the sweater. It really was a lurid green. 

“You know,” he said, thoughtfully. “I think  _ you _ just don’t  _ want _ it.”

Will threw the sweater across the room at Nico. He caught it before it could hit him in the face. He threw it back. 

“To the donate box then,” Will said. “Shame. It would have looked so good on you.” 

“You would have said that about anything.” 

“And it would have been true,” Will said, as he began to clear off the cluttered top of the, now empty, dresser. Most of the mess looked like things Will had made himself. There were a lot of old art projects, none of them very good, and most crumbling into pieces. They were unceremoniously swept into the trash basket. 

“You’re not keeping them?” Nico asked. 

Will shrugged. 

“Why would I? I’m not going to hold onto these forever. I made this sixth grade,” Will said, holding up a paper mache… something. He threw it into the trash. It was quickly covered by another armful of old crafts. Something bounced off the rim of the basket and rolled across the floor, glinting silver. 

Will bent to pick it up. 

“Nico, it’s your sister’s ring.”

Nico felt his heart flutter in his chest. Almost photographically, he remembered the last time he saw it: the fight to get Will to take it initially, how he’d been able to notice how something was wrong with him. How, that night in the car, Will had drawn him close, and how for just a second, there had been a spark of happiness. He was still only living for the brief flashes. Everytime he got close, they fizzled and sputtered out.

He drew his arms close, as if, somehow, it would hide him. 

Will pulled Nico into his chest, his chin resting on the top of his head. He seemed to be shaking slightly. Nico felt strangely emotionless, crushed in Will’s embrace. He hoped Will didn’t want to talk about it. 

“That was so scary,” Will said, dropping his head so the words were breathed into Nico’s hair. 

Damn it. He did want to talk about it. 

“And I’ve gone over it a million times in my head. And I keep thinking, what if I hadn’t done anything?” 

Nico didn’t say anything. 

Will let Nico go and went over to sit on his unmade bed. 

“Why?” he said. His voice was so quiet.

Nico stood, rooted to the spot. 

“Why do I attract people like this?” 

NIco hadn’t been expecting to hear anything like this. Will was talking about the unnamed girl from his freshman year. Nico had forgotten. Everything was raw and new to him, but this wasn’t the first time Will had been through something like him. It might not have even been the second. Will had never said how many people he’d been with. How many of the moments, how much of Nico, was retreaded material? Was he just the ghost of an old lover?

“I’m sorry,” Nico found himself saying, not even sure what he was apologizing for.

“You should say that to yourself. I’m not the one...ugh. Nevermind.” 

The words stung.  _ “How do I always fuck up everything?” _ Nico thought bitterly. Hadn’t everything been fine a few minutes ago?

Will sighed, putting his hand to the bridge of his nose. 

“I’m sorry. It’s not your fault.” 

“It is,” Nico said. 

“I’m not going to argue with you,” Will said. He put a hand to his wrist for a second. 

He was thinking about it. It was another of those times where he was going to treat Nico like anything he said could send him shattering into pieces. Nico hated it. He hated how fragile he must look and how sometimes, this was exactly what he wanted. How he needed to hear that everything was alright from someone else because he didn’t believe it.

He resented the fact he needed the help, not the people trying to help him. Will’s hand over what had used to be a physical wound mirrored the mental pain that he knew he must still be causing.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you!” Nico blurted out. 

Will blinked, frozen in place. 

“What?” 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Nico repeated. 

“When? Like, the day you went to the hospital?” 

“Yes.” 

His expression was unreadable. Will’s eyes were unfocused, trying to see something lost in memory. His head slowly titled to the side.

“Thanks,” he finally said. “I mean, I’m not gonna lie. You piss me off sometimes. But, it’s alright.”

Nico crossed the room, standing awkwardly in front of Will, unsure if he was allowed to sit next to him.

“Here, you want it back?” Will said, holding the ring out.

Nico took it, slipping it back onto his pointer finger. The small amount of comfort it brought couldn’t dull his growing unease. 

“Hey, I’m not mad at you,” Will said. 

He held out a hand and pulled Nico down so they were sitting together.

“I just wish you cared more,” Will said. “About yourself, you know.” 

Nico nodded, unable to shake the familiarity of the words. They flowed effortlessly together, like they were the kind of thing Will had said countless times before.

“What happened to her?” he asked. 

“Hmm, who?” Will hummed. 

“Your old girlfriend?” 

“I don’t know. We don’t talk anymore.” 

“Do...I…” 

But he couldn’t finish the thought.

“Remind me of her?” Will asked, catching on the question. “Nah. Not really. Ok, maybe a little,” he corrected. “But it’s different. It’s hard to explain. Everything was super fast, and I got really caught up in it. I feel like I can still think clearly when I’m with you.” 

* * *

It was the last night before Will left. Nico stood at his window, looking into the street lit darkness. He watched cars glide along, their sound muffled by the closed windows. A familiar minivan slowly rolled down the street.

The air outside was cool. It felt alive, unlike the overly processed, conditioned air inside. Nico’s hair ruffled in a light breeze as he made his way to the car. 

“Cold?” Will asked, as Nico pulled himself up into the car next to him. He was wrapped in a cotton jacket advertising last year's marching band.

Nico shook his head. 

“Can we open the windows?”

It was one of the only times there was no music playing. After a few minutes of the soft silence, it was clear they were heading out of the neighborhood.

“Where are we going?” Nico asked. 

“Out,” Will answered. “It’s the last night I have a car. I know you always hated it--.” 

“I never said I hated it,” Nico interjected. 

“It’s going to be weird not to be able to just leave whenever anymore.” 

Nico knew what it was like to feel trapped at home, so he agreed.

It wasn’t until they arrived he recognized where they were. It didn’t look the same without all of the other cars. The makeshift camps were gone and it was completely deserted. It was darker than he remembered, the only thing lighting came from Will’s headlights and the dull glow of the moon above. The light cast on the long grass was golden, shimmery light. It made it look almost unreal, like it wasn’t really there. 

“It’s where we saw the fireworks,” Nico said, as Will shut off the car. The headlights went out, casting them in semi darkness. 

“Don’t get excited,” Will said, opening his door and stepping out into the field. “They’re not doing them again.” 

Nico followed him. Will had climbed up and was sitting on the roof of the car. 

Nico studied him for a moment. He was an outline imprinted against the sky, hard to make out, and at the same time completely familiar.

“Come on up,” Will called. 

Nico stood on the ledge on the back of the car and hooked his fingers into the curve separating the hatchback from the rest of the car and pulled himself up. The roof creaked as he sat down. He crossed his arms over each other. 

“Look up.”

The sky above them was deep navy blue, and yet it was washed out, like it was so old even its color was fading. The moon hung distant in the sky, almost full. Nico could only make out a handful of stars, like pinpricks in a torn cloth. 

“It's hard to make them out,” Will said, leaning back on his elbows so he could look up too. 

“It’s light pollution,” Nico said. 

“They’re still there,” Will said. “It’s just because of where we are.” 

Nico scanned the sky again, trying to find the faint lights. He still couldn’t see what Will was trying to show him.

“When I graduate I want to get out of here. Go somewhere where I can actually see the stars.” 

Will seemed to be lost in thought. He was suspended in the moment, almost like he, too, was one of the golden blades of grass, curving upwards to look at the sky for eternity. 

“What about you?” Will finally asked. 

“What about me?” 

“What are you going to do?” 

Nico paused for a second before answering. 

“I never thought about it.” 

Nico couldn’t see any sort of a future for him. He didn’t think beyond high school, and he wasn’t sure he could. It felt like his whole life was wrapped up in the place. It felt like he was never going to leave. Nico realized he didn’t  _ want _ anything after. His dad seemed miserable being an adult. Nico wasn’t willing to repeat the cycle.

And he hated school. What was keeping him there? Not his classes, not his teachers, not any long term goals, not even Will anymore. Would there be anything waiting for him on the other side? Was two more years even worth it? 

“Some days I think I’ve got it all figured out,” Will said. Nico looked at him, but his eyes were transfixed on the sky. Will exhaled heavily. “But then things happen. And I don’t know anymore. It’s not all bad. Like, I didn’t know you last year, but now I can’t imagine my life without you.” 

Nico felt himself warm internally. 

“I don’t know anymore, but I think I’m good with that,” Will said. “We just need to be willing to adjust for what happens next.” 

Nico knew he was talking about leaving. 

“It’s a comforting thought,” Nico said. He had no intention of believing it. The world didn’t work that way, and there was no way he was going to be able to drift though it so effortlessly.

Will sat back up. He extended his hand. 

“Will you sit with me?” 

Nico shifted closer, so their sides were touching and put an arm around Will’s waist. He drew him in and held him. Will seemed to have momentarily grown fragile once again. He turned his face inwards, folding in on himself so that he could nestle his head into Nico’s neck. Nico drew him in and held him. 

These moments were some of his favorites. The times where Will dropped everything and simply cling to him. It made Will feel so much more real, like they were finally on equal footing and Will wasn’t spending all his time trying to “fix” him. It made Nico feel irreplaceable, and in moments like these, like he was finally the most important thing to someone. 

It ignited something in him. Wasn’t this proof that, no matter how Nico thought of himself, that someone liked him? Someone saw something in him. It made him want to be better, so he would actually live up to whatever it was Will saw in him.

He returned his gaze to the sky, searching out through the dull grey expanse, trying to count the stars once again. He still came back with nothing. The slight wind picked up and began to tug on the hems of his clothes, his hair, and his shoelaces, like it was trying to carry Nico up and into the sky. The thought frightened him, and he gave a small shudder. 

Will immediately pulled away. 

“You cold?” he asked, already unzipping the band jacket. 

Nico wanted to say no, he wasn’t and he resented the constant worrying, but anything that he could touch that reminded him of Will was too much to refuse. So Will draped the jacket over him and went back to cuddling with him. It smelled like coffee and something sweeter, that was always there when Will hugged him.

They stayed there for what felt like a long time. Nico was almost hoping that Will would somehow forget, and he could spend all night with him. He didn’t want these to be the last moments or to have to face tomorrow alone.

“I’ve got to leave,” Will finally said. “I’ll take you home.” 

Nico shrugged off the jacket. 

“Oh, I’m not taking that back,” Will said, when Nico offered it to him. “You’re going to have to accept this is a gay thing or come out as straight.” 

“Thanks.” 

He slipped the jacket on, and half zipped it over his tshirt. Will reached out, and Nico let him zip the jacket all the way. He grew impatient when Will started fiddling with the strings, tying and untying them. 

“Ok, enough,” Nico said, putting a hand over Will’s and slowly removing it from his chest. 

“You just...look cold.” 

“How do I “look cold”?” 

“It’s just--you look cold.” 

Will shook his head and let out a kind of embarrassed half laugh, half sigh. 

“Fuck. Sorry.” 

“Will I see you tomorrow?” Nico asked. 

He knew Will wasn’t going to be able to see him tomorrow. He knew there was still going to be too much to do, and that Will was going to be spending the morning packing the van with the last of the boxes. He also knew he wouldn’t be any help. 

“No, this is it.” 

Will kissed him, and it tasted strongly of a single word. It spread through him, creeping into every part of him until it was all he felt. It weighed heavy on him, crushing him from the inside, and closing his throat behind it as it escaped his lips.

“Goodbye.”


	19. 19

Will left the next day, and Nico tried to pretend that it wasn’t happening. It worked for a few hours, but a flurry of pictures sent to his phone of Will in a different bedroom ruined the illusion. The more pictures he got, the further away Will seemed to become, which NIco was sure was the opposite of the intended effect. 

That night he spent a lot of time looking at the last picture Will had sent him. It was of a sleeping bag on the floor of his new bedroom, because the bedframes had still been packed. It looked extremely sad, and yet, Nico found himself coming back to stare at the picture over and over again.

The second night alone, Nico hunted down the cotton jacket Will had left him. He curled around it, wishing the warmth was coming from it instead of the blankets. It still smelled faintly of coffee and the detergent Will used. He kept the jacket in his bed, tangled into his blankets, and after a few more nights, he pulled it on and zipped it. After that, he wore it every night until even he had to admit it wasn’t clean anymore. The coffee smell was completely gone after one wash, and Nico missed it more than he liked to admit. 

It wasn’t like Will had completely disappeared from his life. The two still texted back and forth every day, but it wasn’t the same. 

And as much as it felt like time had stopped, the days ticked by in a steady rhythm. The threat of the upcoming school year loomed overhead, growing larger by the hour. Nico tried to ignore it, but he was finally forced to confront the dying summer the day he and Hazel walked to the store to buy school supplies. Hazel went around picking out a rainbow of colored sticky notes and arrows to stick in her textbooks. Nico bought six identical black folders. 

“How are you going to know which is which?” Hazel asked. 

“If I open one and it has the wrong stuff in it, then I’ll know to open another one,” Nico said. “It worked fine for me last year.” 

Hazel said something about the fun of it being ruined, but Nico ignored her. She spent an extremely long time picking out locker decorations. Nico leant back against the wall watching her trying to decide between star magnets or clear ones in the shape of diamonds. His apprehension about the start of school was growing stronger. He had signed up for Plant Class again, but he wasn’t sure how he was going to pass it this time. Moreover, having to spend another year with Mr. Brunner was going to be awful. Nico knew every time he talked to him, the teacher would be thinking about how badly he’d done in his class last time. 

He tried not to think about what might have happened if Will had still been there. If he had been one of Nico classes. If he had been here getting new school supplies with him instead of Hazel.

The night before school started, he shook out his backpack. Several large, fat, black bugs fell out and scuttled away, no doubt attracted by the food Nico kept forgetting he had. He emptied everything out. He wasn’t keen on eating anything that had been in there for a year. 

He found it impossible to sleep. He paced his room, twisting his skull ring until the skin around it burned. He had so much nervous energy he felt sick, and his breath grew ragged and shallow. He knew the day was going to be exactly the same as all the other ones, but it didn’t help. Last year, all of his teachers had said that junior year was going to be the most important one, and it was going to be the hardest. Nico had lost focus so much last year, it was hard to believe he wasn’t going to fall back into the same pattern. 

Why had the summer been so short? It seemed to have flown past him in a haze, almost like it had been someone else’s life.

He checked the clock on his phone. He was only going to get five hours of sleep, and that was only if he went to bed right now. He wasn’t tired.

The school day itself drug on forever. Most of the teachers didn’t give a whole lesson, but instead did a bunch of name games and about me presentations. As much as he hated those kinds of activities, Nico didn’t get much homework. Every class he looked for a familiar face, but he didn’t recognize anyone. He reminded himself that his graduating class was over a thousand students, and that most of the people he knew were in a different grade. The chances of seeing anyone was almost nonexistent. 

Horticulture moved from Nico’s first class, to his fourth. Mr. Brunner gave no indication that he remembered Nico at all, but Nico knew he must. He hadn’t wanted Mr. Bunner to announce in front of everyone that he was retaking the class, but being ignored completely was strange. Instead of forgetting about last year, Nico found himself thinking of nothing else, just to remind himself that it  _ had  _ happened. 

The usual crowd of people formed around one of the tables at lunch time, ready to play  _ Magic: The Gathering _ . Nico found himself searching for Chris Rodriguez instinctually before remembering he didn’t carry his deck on him anymore. It was still shoved in his closet. 

With no reason to stay, Nico walked back down the hall to the library. He found his usual gap between the bookshelves and the wall. 

He looked around, trying to find a book that would hold his interest for an hour, twisting his head sideways to read the titles on the spines. They were all familiar ones. He had read every book in this section of the library. He would have to get up and go over to another shelf. It seemed like too much work.

He unzipped his backpack, trying to find something to distract himself. There was nothing. He sank backwards, leaning his head against the wall. 

It felt extremely cyclical. His whole life was looping the same day. Nothing was ever going to change. 

His new P. E. class was right after lunch, so when the bell rang, Nico reluctantly dragged himself towards the gym. The bleachers had been folded out, and he found a spot as far away from anyone that he could. He sat, absently picking at the zipper on his bag, until the teachers came out to introduce the classes. Nico saw Coach Hedge. He was carrying a megaphone in one hand and a hunting magazine in the other. His whistle shone around his neck. Nico had only just remembered how unpleasant it sounded when its tinny sound rang out, biting over the noisy bleachers, and drilling into his ears. He put a hand to his head.

Coach Hedge began to explain the new classes by holding up a stack of pamphlets and yelling loudly into the megaphone. He looked extremely proud with his new purchase. Nico lost interest quickly. The sound in the gym was extremely echo-y. 

Coach Hedge was not his teacher this time around. Instead a man with curly black hair, a leopard patterned shirt, and sour expression called the class over. He introduced himself as Mr. D.

Nico found himself sitting in the back of his line, which was just fine with him. He got the feeling that Mr. D didn’t really like his class. He started taking attendance, but even he wasn’t paying attention. He mixed up several names, and didn’t bother to correct himself when the students began to protest. He told the class that he was going to break them up into teams, and he would post the list of who was on what team the next day. Nico had never been more eager to leave a classroom. 

_ Will: Howd it go?  _

_ Nico: Awful. _

The school day was over. Nico was back home, trying to fill out three separate “about me” worksheets for various teachers. He was saved from trying to figure out what his “hidden talent” was.

_ Nico: No, that’s not true. It went normal.  _

_ Nico: Hey, have you heard of a teacher called Mr. D? _

_ Will: ohhh u got the wine dude?! _

_ Will: Im so jealous I always wanted to b in his class _

_ Nico: The wine dude?  _

_ Will: Yeah hes got these obnoxious shorts with wine glasses all over them  _

_ Will: Omg I wish I was u Ive heard hes horrible _

_ Nico: Then why do you want to be in his class so bad?  _

_ Will: Its just one of those things u gotta experience _

_ Will: Do u have ur nickname yet?  _

_ Nico: My what? _

_ Will: He never calles anyone by their names _

_ Will: I think he called Percy Perry Johanson or some shit like that _

_ Will: Thats awesome _

_ Will: How can you say that the day was awful? _

_ Nico: You’re too excited about this  _

_ Will: Tell me waht ridiculous name u get _

_ Nico: What about you? Have you started your new school yet? _

_ Will: Nah  _

_ Will: We start monday _

_ Will: Hows plant class?  _

_ Nico: The same, I guess. It’s hard to tell. School just started.  _

_ Nico: Speaking of, what do you think is my hidden talent?  _

_ Will: Looking good in everything, including nothing ;) _

_ Nico: It’s for class! _

_ Will: Write flower arranging  _

_ Nico: I failed plant class! _

_ Nico: It can’t be my talent  _

_ Will: Hey Ive got to head out my mom wants help _

_ Will: Were not all the way unpacked yet _

_ Will: Virtual kisses :* _

_ Nico: Oh my god. Stop.  _

_ Nico: Goodbye <3 _

_ Will: Bye <3 _

_ Will: talk to u soon _

“Nick the angle,” Nico read aloud. He was holding the corner of the list Mr D. had taped to the wall. The paper was stained and smelled sweet, like Mr. D had spilled soda on it and hadn’t bothered writing a new list.

At least he got a title, he thought as he scanned the rest of the names. 

The class itself wasn’t anything important. Nico had started to realize how much he had hated gym class before. The only good thing about it had been Will, and Nico wasn’t up for making any new friends. 

He changed as quickly as he could in the locker room. He had been walking for several minutes before he realized he was walking his old route, the one from last year. He turned and began to fight his way through the throng of students pushing him backwards. 

* * *

That weekend Will had promised to come back. Nico felt insanely jealous that he had only had only had to attend a few days of classes, while Nico was about to start his second week.

The old minivan was gone, and Will arrived in a normal sized car. It smelled heavily of plastic, like it was new, but Will said his mom had had it for years.

“We can’t eat anything in here, or my mom will kill me,” was the first thing he said. 

“Oh yeah, I’ve missed you too,” Nico said, sliding down the seat to stare out of the front windshield. “Where are we going?” 

Will shrugged and started the car. 

“I haven’t been back to the archery range since I left. I thought we could hang out there for a while.” 

Nico forced the neutral look to stay on his face. It wasn’t like it was something he ordinarily wouldn’t have been fine with. He usually didn’t care what the two of them did as long as they were together, but after weeks apart, it didn’t feel the same anymore. He didn’t want to sit and watch as Will did something that wasn’t focused on him.

“Does your new place not have one?” he asked. It wouldn’t be fair if this was the only place Will had if he asked to do something else.

“No, it does, but it’s inside, and it’s not the same.” 

“Oh.” 

“What?” Will asked.

“I didn’t say anything.” 

It would be ok, Nico decided. He was expecting too much. It would be fine. 

“Yeah, but. You sounded like you wanted to,” Will said. He didn’t seem convinced.

“No, I’m ok. Let’s go,” Nico insisted.

Will pulled the car over and shut it off.

“Nah, fuck that,” he decided. “What do you want to do?” 

Nico hesitated for a second.

“I want to take you on a real date,” he finally said. “We always just hang out,” he added.

Will looked slightly surprised.

“Alright,” he said, a smile tugging the corner of his lips upwards. “Where are you going to take me on our real date then?” 

“I--could I take you out for a cup of coffee? Too boring?” 

“Absolutely not. Take me on a coffee date.” 

And so Nico did, and the two sat outside on the curb outlooking the parking lot. Nico tried coffee for the first time and decided he didn’t like coffee. His cup sat untouched on the sidewalk next to him, as he used his hands to animatedly talk about how miserable his school life had become. He added a bit of humorous sheen to the whole thing, so Will wouldn’t worry. And Will sat his arms crossed over his knees, and watched him the whole time, his head cocked to the side. And when he kissed him, Nico tasted the coffee on his breath, and for a moment it felt like they were back in Will’s bedroom, still with all the time in the world in front of them. It was everything he had wanted and he never wanted it to end.

But eventually the sun set, and the day was over.

“Can you pull up directions?” Will asked, as they started for Nico’s home to drop him off before Will had to go back home. “I’ve lost track of where everything is.”

Nico wound up with Will’s phone clutched in his hand, sitting silently as the phone read out in an automated voice where to go. It was like being an overly glorified coat rack.

It was several minutes before the first message appeared. It was followed by several more. 

“Ugh, is it the group chat?” Will asked. “I thought I had that thing muted.” 

“Is it people from our school?” 

Will shook his head. 

“Nah.” 

“It’s already new people?” 

Will shrugged. 

“I said I was good with people.” 

“Oh.” 

He could see in the back of his mind the impression of Will, darkened by the night, glowing around the edges, illuminated and backlit by the streetlights. He didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to lose the people he knew here. It had seemed so real. It didn’t seem like it meant anything now. It had only been a few days, and there was already a whole new group of people he knew. Had their numbers. Maybe even had spent time with them outside of school. 

How did it happen so quickly?

Nico had hardly spoken to anyone in any of his classes, and he’d been seeing the same faces more or less for years. He felt constantly lonely, and in the back of his head he had been assuming that Will had been feeling the same thing. It had made him feel better, because it felt like a way to connect the two of them. 

It wasn’t like he wanted Will to feel alone. It wasn’t like he had never wanted him to make any friends. It had all happened too fast though, and now it was like he’d been left behind. 

Nico sat with the phone in his hands as it shook in his hands from frequent vibration. Each one made him feel a little bit emptier. 

“Here, I know where we are now,” Will said, when the two were stopped at a red light. He took the phone back, and flicked through it for a second. 

“It’s mostly _ Discord _ ,” he said, tucking it into his pocket. 

Nico, who had never heard of  _ Discord _ , said nothing. 

* * *

That night Nico was about to climb into bed for the night, when he saw the jacket, still tangled up in his sheets. He unwound it, held it at arm's length, and took it in. It looked the same as it always did, only now the year on the front was from two school years ago. He wasn’t sure why, but after today, it made him feel sad, like he was still holding on to something that wasn’t really there anymore. It wasn’t comforting anymore. He wasn’t sure if he wanted it. 

Nico opened his closet and threw the jacket inside, along with everything else he didn’t want to think about anymore.

He lay on his bed, his phone cradled in his hands, and pretending that he wasn’t missing the jacket, and how, even now, he still wanted to curl into it. He dozed off a few times, but always was pulled back from the edges of sleep. Something felt missing, and he knew it was the stupid jacket, but Nico didn’t want to rely on it. He stubbornly left the closet door shut. He heard birds chirping before he finally dozed off. 

He never heard the alarm he’d set for himself. Nico woke up, feeling cramped and sore from the odd position he’d settled into. He spent a few seconds looking at the ceiling before realizing what was wrong: it was too bright. There was too much light spilling in through his window. He was late. Nico checked his phone. It read eleven am. He was hours late. Nico wondered why no one had woken him up, but then reasoned that no one ever did. Why would today be any different? 

He dressed in a whirlwind and was out the door with his bag in less than five minutes. 

The next morning, the bus dropped him off at the school, but Nico didn’t think he’d be able to go in. He didn’t want anyone to ask him where’d been, and he didn’t have any good excuses. It was easier not to go at all.

He looked around to see if anyone had noticed him. Sure he was alone, he turned around and set off down the sidewalk away from the school. He walked quickly, wanting to put as much distance between him and school as possible. He eventually turned a corner, and the building was lost from view, blocked by all the other, taller buildings. 

It wasn’t night, but it was the same feeling of elevation as when he slipped out unnoticed. Nico let his feet carry him, now feather light without knowing where he was going to wind up. 

It took a half hour of walking before he finally saw it out in the distance, the bridge that connected to the highway, the same one that had filled his mind last year. He’d never actually gone. What would it feel like to climb up and look down? He could watch the cars below. It wasn’t like he had anything better to do with his time. 

It was clearly a footbridge. It wasn’t accessible from the road, and a bike path ran through the middle of it. The sides were made from a kind of mesh wire coated in plastic that connected to the metal handrails. 

He was the only one there. Nico leaned on the handrails and looked over the side. As his stomach dropped, he felt something he’d only felt once before. It was the same as when he’d stabbed himself with the drawing compass that day last May. It felt almost like excitement, but it wasn’t quite the same. The way it twisted uncomfortably inside made it feel like it was waiting for him to do something. 

He stepped back. The air around him felt strangely alive. He was suddenly very aware of how his feet felt against the concrete. It didn’t feel safe to be here.

He wandered through the neighborhoods, not caring where he wound up, only using the time to delay the evitable trip back to school. Nico found himself walking the route to Will’s old house. It slowly grew larger until it was right in front of him. It looked empty, the driveway deserted. The curtains were gone and the lights were off. The red door didn’t look as cheerful as it had used to now that everything around it was gone. 

Nico wondered if a new family would move in soon. Who would sleep in Will’s old bedroom. Would he start going to Nico’s school?

Nico knew he would never enter the house again. He’d spent a lot of time there, definitely had some of his best memories there, but that part of his life was over now. It had alway felt more welcoming than his house had ever had, but the house brought him no comfort now. It was only a building: what had made it special was long gone, now living somewhere an hour away. 

He stole one last glance at the house.

This was stupid. He was stupid. He wouldn’t be coming back. 


	20. 20

_ Ring! _

It was the home phone. No one ever called the home phone. Nico snuck down the stairs and watched it ring. The sound burrowed into his ears uncomfortably, but he was more scared to hang up. It shut off. He was about to leave the room when it rang again. Nico got close enough to look at the number on the caller ID. It was the school’s number. 

His hand reached out, hovering tentatively over the receiver. He knew what it was going to be about. The school never called about anything good.

The phone stopped ringing for a second time. Nico walked away, unable to shake the lingering dread of what was going to happen when the school finally got through to someone. 

The phone rang again that night. He and Hazel were in the living room playing a game of chess, the board set out over the coffee table with the two sitting on their legs on either side. 

Hazel stood, and began to walk towards the phone sitting on the desk. 

“Wait,” Nico said, the captured piece he had been absently turning now clasped in his hand. 

“I’m going to see what they want,” Hazel said. “We can go back to playing in a second.”

_ Ring! _

The sound coursed through the room, and as it rippled over Nico, he felt the hair on the back of his arms raise. The room seemed to grow cold.

“It’s nothing.” 

“How do you know? What if it’s something important?” Hazel asked. She took another step towards the phone. “It could be dad.” 

“It’s not!” Nico insisted.

“It might--”

“He’d text us.” 

_ Ring! _

“This is ridiculous,” Hazel exhaled in a single puff of air. She pushed her hair out of her face. She took another few steps forward. She was almost close enough to reach it.

Nico jumped to his feet, knocking into the coffee table. Sharp pain shot through him.

“No!” he cried. 

His little sister was the last person he wanted to answer. He didn’t want her to hear about him, how badly he’d fucked up his life. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Nico was supposed to be the one who she could always go to. He should have been someone she could look up to, and someone who could protect her. She shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around him, or sit up at night wondering what was wrong with him. Like so many other things wrong with him, he had failed his sister, and that hurt.

Hazel froze, only inches away, her arm slightly outstretched.

_ Ring! _

She turned back to Nico. Her eyebrows creased together as she studied his face. 

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s…” Nico looked wildly around the room. “I’ve already talked to them. It’s just people doing a survey. I got stuck talking to them for, like, fifteen minutes before I could hang up. It’s... really annoying.” 

_ Ring! _

“Besides,” he glanced down at the coffee table. “You’re really close to beating me,” he said gesturing at the game. “I can’t sit here and stare at my demise while you talk on the phone. You couldn’t be that cruel.”

A small smile crossed his sister’s face. 

“It'll be just a second,” she said. 

“I--”

“Nico, what’s going on?” 

Nico gritted his teeth. 

“Answer it.”

She turned away. The phone stayed silent and dead looking, perched on the edge of the desk. Hazel put the receiver to her ear.

“Hello?” 

Nothing. Silence. 

The next second stretched into an eternity, as Nico’s heart pounded in his ears. 

“Hello?” Hazel asked again. 

The anxiety twisting Nico’s stomach, began to lessen slowly. He hadn’t convinced Hazel, but he had bought himself enough time. 

Hazel shook her head slightly, and put the receiver back. 

“I guess they’ll call back?” 

“Did you recognize the number?” 

Hazel shrugged. 

“No, should I?” 

Nico realized he only memorized the number because of the amount of times the school had called to report his bad performance. Hazel, who had never had to call in an absence, or receive discipline of any kind, didn’t know. It had been her fantastic performance at school that had saved him. 

“No,” he decided. “Come over here and kill me.” 

Hazel sat back down, at the coffee table, and Nico knelt across from her. He moved his piece, balancing on the balls of his feet, as his arm stretched across the board. 

“Alright,” he said. “Make it quick.” 

* * *

“Did you know the school called?” Nico’s dad asked him.

Nico was sitting in the chair he had pulled up to his window. Lately, it had been easy to spend hours looking out, watching the cars as they pulled through the neighborhood.

He hadn’t been expecting anyone to walk into his room. He hadn’t even known his dad was home.

He unwound himself from the chair, trying to keep his moments slow and natural, so that his dad might not see how nervous he was.

“No?” he asked.

“They left a message asking me to call them back. I did this morning.” 

“Oh.” 

Nico deflated. There was nothing he could do now. He wished he had been there to convince his dad not to call, because if he ignored it, then maybe it wasn’t real and they all could have ignored it forever.

“They say it’s been two weeks since you’ve attended.” 

“I have,” Nico mumbled to the ground. “I go every day.” 

“Where do you go everyday?” 

Nico didn’t say anything. He couldn’t say it, but for the last two weeks he hadn’t been to a single lesson. Some times he slept through the day, only waking for a few hours at night, still incredibly tired. Other days he would wake with the alarm and ride the bus to school. From there he would wander through the city. Most of the time, he would find himself back at the bridge, where he would lean over the side, watching the cars.

It felt good up there. It was one of the only times he didn’t feel sad. He would go over his life, getting lost in memory, and he wouldn’t notice the time passing until the streetlights came on. He’d gotten over the initial fear after a few days, and now welcomed the feeling of anticipation. Standing so close to the edge felt like he was taunting the universe, almost like he still had control over himself. It was the only thing that felt like he did.

“Are you feeling unwell?” 

Nico shook his head. 

“I’m just tired,” he lied. “I sleep through my alarm.” 

“The school has set up a meeting,” Mr. di Angelo said.

“You don’t have to go on my behalf.”

“It’s not for me,” his dad said. “It’s for you.”

Nico blinked, confused.

“It’s for me?” he repeated.

“It’s scheduled for three pm, after school, and I expect you to go.” 

“Are you sure you can’t call the school?” Nico asked. “Cancel the meeting?”

“I”m not going to do anything,” his dad said in a definite tone. “As I said, I expect you to go.” 

Nico swallowed his objections. At least it was going to be him. A family meeting would have been worse.

“Ok.” 

His dad left the door open when he left. After a few minutes, Nico crossed the room and closed it. He leaned his back against it for a few more seconds, a hand over his face. His thought were an incoherent mess and he found it impossible to hold anything in his head other than he couldn’t believe how stupid he’d been. He might feel invisible at school, but the teachers still read his name out every day for attendance. So stupid. 

His hand twisted around the door handle, searching for the lock. With a click, the door was locked. No one was going to walk in on him. 

He walked to the closet. He peered in through the sliver of light. His  _ Magic _ cards were still there, just in front of the door. The box seemed to beckon him, like a wrapped present begging to be opened. Nico would have liked to lose himself in a game of  _ Magic _ , but there was no one to play with and he wasn’t going to play himself. Besides, he needed something stronger. 

He pushed the deck off to the side and began searching the floor. His fingers combed through the carpet. It had to be here somewhere. He knew he’d thrown it in here. And yeah, maybe he’d thrown it in here because he didn’t want to ever see it again, it didn’t matter anymore.

Why did self harm have such a stigma anyway. It wasn’t like it was hurting anyone else, and if Nico wanted to hurt himself, then that should be  _ his _ choice. People get injured all the time, he thought as he shoved a pile of old sketchbooks off to the side. What made this any different? 

Finally, his fingers closed around it. 

He sat on the floor, an arm wrapped around his knees, the exacto knife still clasped in one hand. It was brought up, so that it was resting just against his face. He was looking at the hand holding it. It was perfectly smooth, unmarred by any injuries. It didn’t fit with the rest of him. He switched the blade over to his other hand. 

One mark. 

One mark would be fine. It would be an accident. The dog had scratched him. Or it would be a papercut from homework. Or maybe he’d caught his hand on the corner of the table. It could be anything. 

He cut into the skin just below the knuckle of his thumb, flicking the blade sharply up. It didn’t feel any different than any other part of his body. It was disappointing, although he didn’t know what he had been expecting. 

He watched a thin line of blood running down his wrist. 

He switched the exacto knife back. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, he began to turn his other arm over. He turned his head to the side, tracking the veins that ran from his wrist through his forearm and up to his elbow. He traced the blue lines under his skin. The pressure tickled. 

He raised his hand, twirling the exaco blade, so that he was gripping it right on the blade. He ran it lightly over one of the more prominent veins, right by his wrist. It didn’t draw any blood, but elevation burst forth. This is what he’d been expecting. It ran through him, causing his heart beat to quicken. His hand holding the knife shook slightly, hovering just over the skin. 

He angled it so it was pointing straight down and dug the tip into his arm. He let it rest there for a second, taking in the giddy sensation, before clamping down hard on the handle, dragging it through. It hurt. It hurt a lot more than what he was used to. The pain was driving everything else away, and that felt  _ really good _ . His fingers slipped on the handle because of the blood from his hand running down the other way. It stained the blade, running down it and falling to the ground off the tip. The droplets on the floor grew larger the more damaged he did, until they met, forming one bloody stain. 

Nico held his slashed arm in front of him, cradling it gently with his other hand. He was the one who did this to himself, but he was also the one who comforted himself after, almost like the damage had been done by someone else. It was nice to think of it that way, Nico thought as he brought his injured arm close to his chest. He could feel the blood seeping into his shirt, spotting his chest in the same red lines. 

It wasn’t someone else though. It was just another part of himself that he hated. Just like the timid part of him, too afraid that he’d make a mistake, so he never did anything at all. He wished there was a way to cut away all the parts of himself he didn’t want. What would be left behind? How much of him would be discarded and gone?

* * *

The next day Nico went to school for the first time in weeks. He’d been gone for so long he was sure he wouldn’t have understood most of the material if he had been paying attention. In reality, all he could think of was the meeting he had with the school. He spent most of his classes sitting tapping his pencil against the edge of his desk. After the first few periods, it had gotten painful. The skin on his fingers had grown red from the constant motion.

His eyes were drawn to the slash on his hand. It was the only one that wasn’t hidden under his jacket. He had realized, too late, that he needed long sleeves for gym class, and stopped by the lost and found over his lunch period, hoping to find something there. After claiming to have lost a sweatshirt, the only one administration could find was far too big from him and was very ragged. A large stain was over the pocket in the middle, but it extended through the whole sweatshirt. The discoloration was so prevalent that it could have been a pattern. Nico still insisted that it was his and walked away with it. 

It must have been there for a while, he thought as he pulled it over his head. It smelled sour, like vinegar. Upon putting his hand in the pocket, Nico felt something squishy. He pulled out a clear plastic bag stained brown, mush rolling from side to side. It looked like it might have once been vegetables, but it had long since liquidated and rotted. He flung the bag into the nearest trash can. He wasn’t sure if it had been whatever leaked out of the bag, but there was a very itchy quality to the sweatshirt. 

The itching only got worse though class, to the point Nico was convinced his arms were on fire. After class he looked at himself in the mirror. Red patches were creeping up his neck. He tore off the sweatshirt. His arms matched. He left it hanging from one of the benches in the locker room and sank grateful back into his jacket. 

“Kid.” 

Nico turned to find a deserted locker room. He swiveled his head, looking for whoever had called him. He saw Mr. D’s face poking out from behind the office that was connected by the thin hallway. 

“Hello?”

“Come in here for a second.” 

Nico’s hands went to his backpack straps on his shoulders, as he walked to the office. He wondered if Mr. D had seen his arm and was going to recommend therapy. At least it was a familiar argument that Nico was sure he could knock down. 

The office was small, and looked smaller than it really was because Mr. D had an extra table pushed to the center of the space. His desk was littered with empty Diet Coke cans and paper. Mr. D was sitting on a folding chair at the table, not the desk, shuffling a deck of playing cards.

“Sit down,” he said, gesturing to the meal chair across from him. 

“I have class,” Nico said.

“I’ll write you a hall pass.” 

Nico reluctantly sank into the chair. He watched as Mr. D continued to shuffle the deck.

“Do you know how to play Pinochle?” Mr. D asked.

“What?” 

“Nevermind.” 

“I know Go Fish,” Nico offered, still unsure why he was here now, in between classes, about to play a card game with the teacher he thought least cared about his students.

“It’s a different deck,” Mr D waved him off. “Just as well. How have you been lately?” 

“Um, fine.”

“Not that I care, but you haven’t been here.” 

“Oh,” Nico said.

“I have to ask because it’s my job,” Mr D continued, like Nico hadn’t offered such as lame answer. “and Gleeson-- Hedge, asked me to check up on you.” 

“He did?” 

“Yeah. He asks where your friend went.”

Nico felt his throat grow tight at the mention of Will. He hadn’t seen him in weeks. He wasn't sure if he wanted to. He knew he looked physically worse, and he was sure his mental state wasn’t far behind. Nico was moving too fast to fall apart, and he knew it was the only thing keeping him together anymore.

“He doesn’t go here anymore,” he finally said.

“Anyway, I also wanted to know if there’s anything I can do?” Mr D asked.

“What?”

Nico wasn’t sure if he’d heard him correctly.

“Just if you’re having family problems or whatever,” Mr. D shrugged.

Nico looked at the table, staring hard because he could feel the tears building behind his eyes. He was  _ not _ going to break down and cry at school in front of a teacher. He hated how weak he’d become, and blinked several times, willing himself to shut his feelings off.

“There isn’t anything you can do.” 

His voice was tight, but he was able to look up and meet Mr. D’s eyes straight faced. 

“The school’s got plenty of resources for whatever you need. God knows they’re big enough for that.”

“I don’t need anything,” Nico insisted.

Mr. D sighed heavily and put the deck on the table in front of him.

“Let it be shown I tried,” he said.

“I should go,” Nico said. He rose from the table. 

“If you change your mind, let me know,” Mr D said. “I run the tabletop gaming club. Thursday nights. We could make a decent Pinochle player of you. I’ll get you that hall pass.” 

Nico watched him write for a few seconds.

“Why did you ask?” he blurted out.

“My kids go here,” Mr D answered. “If it was my son, I’d want someone to ask.” 

Nico felt something inside him break. Maybe it was the loney days through the city without a single word spoken to him that caused him to overreact now. Nico was on the edge. He pushed the feelings down, cramming them away until all he felt was numb. 

* * *

The hallway to the administration wing seemed longer than it really was. It was separated from the rest of the school with an arch made from a brick facade, trying to make it look fancier than the concrete the rest of the walls were made of. 

The school felt so much bigger without the thousands of students, the hallway impossibly wide. The building had grown silent, the only noise came from the fluorescent lights buzzing overhead. Nico’s footsteps echoed, bouncing off the walls, and stopped as he did, standing in front of the arch. 

He peered down the hallway. He’d been down this way before, but it was different this time. Never had he been so certain that something was waiting for him at the end of that hallway, not even when he had known he had been headed for the hospital. Logically, he knew people  _ were _ waiting for him, but it wasn’t the same. Whatever expecting him was much larger, and far more sinister than a few teachers.

His skin was still itchy and swollen from the rotting sweatshirt. Nico scratched the side of his neck, leaving nail streaks in his skin. One started bleeding. It stained the collar of his jacket. He could feel the blood run through, pounding its way out of him. The sound filled his ears. 

Once he walked down that hallway, he wasn’t going to be able to come back. 

_ “Where have you been?” _

_ “What makes you avoid us this way?” _

_ “Why are you doing this to yourself?”  _

He didn’t have answers.

He had given up trying to find any. He knew a few months ago, his mind would have been racing, pulling up scenario after scenario, connecting things together with paper thin logic. He would have gone back years, trying to figure out how long it had been going on. He would have yelled at himself in his head. He would psych himself until he couldn’t breath and his vision would grow dizzy.

Now he was just numb. Nothing anyone could say could bother him. The words would slide through him, razor thin. They would leave no marks. He adjusted the straps digging into his shoulders and stepped through the archway. 


End file.
